Tag Archives: Shah Rukh Khan

La Zawaab Film Awards 2013!

Come January each year and the poor Indian plebeians are swamped by a deluge of film awards of all shapes and sizes. Right from Filmfare, Screen, Lux, Zee, Sony, TV Guide, Star Dust and down to Sitara, Manmohak, Charlie, Pappu and their aunt, everyone has their own version of the “biggest and most coveted ever” film awards. Complete, of course, with glittering award functions where identical dance routines are performed to the exact same Bollywood hits.

Amidst all this glamorous vomit, one has to spare a thought for the poor film folks who had the misfortune to be part of successful films of the past year, and who must now bear the brunt of this overenthusiastic adulation. The same names are repeatedly nominated for these zillion awards. For each award function that they deign to attend, there are scores of others that they must find creative ways to wriggle out of.

Here is one such sad story.

We are at the Office of the Organizing Committee of the 2013 La Zawaab Awards, sponsored by the makers of Paan-e-Khaas Paan Masala and Khajana Boutique. The award ceremony is only two days away. The preparations are ongoing but decidedly not very well, going by what is overheard of a conversation between two of the main organizers.

This dialogue has been poorly translated from Gujarati to English.

And the winner is....whoever is available.

And the winner is….whoever is available.

Kokila Behn hangs up the phone dejectedly.

Ramess Bhai (Organizer No.1) : So who was it this time?

Kokila Behn (Organizer No.2) : Vidya Behen.

Ramess Bhai : Let me guess, she can’t make it either. What is her kahaani?

Kokila Behn : You are right, she can’t. But her reason sounds genuine.

Ramess Bhai : What is it?

Kokila Behn : She says she has put on too much weight. The saree she bought especially for our awards function has become too tight. She has nothing to wear now and so she can’t come. I feel too much bekdis with butter she is eating.

Ramess Bhai : Oh no! Can’t she get another saree? Like a XXL size or something?

Kokila Behn : I suggested the same. She said there isn’t enough time. She said her fashion designer Sabji Bhaaji was in Calcutta for Puja.

Ramess Bhai : Puja? Durga Puja? In January?

Kokila Behn : Maybe those Bengali lok do it twice a year? I have never been to Calcutta myself.

Ramess Bhai : Hmm…sounds like an excuse to me. And who is this designer Sabji Bhaaji?

Kokila Behn : Who knows. Aisa hi kuch bola usney. She said she only wears his clothes.

Ramess Bhai : Made up excuse! Like Kareena. Hers didn’t sound genuine either.

Kokila Behn : What did she say?

Ramess Bhai : Dandruff. She says she has too much dandruff and so can’t come.

Kokila Behn : Hah! Who can believe that? Isn’t she constantly applying Head and Shoulders?

Ramess Bhai : How people lie…

Kokila Behn : So, who are we left with?

Ramess Bhai : Well, so Priyanka is out because of she is preparing for Granny awards, and Kareena, and now Vidya. And Sridevi dropped out a week ago.

Kokila Behn : Arrey not ‘Granny’, ‘Grammy’! She only sings Engliss music now. And that Sridevi! I still don’t understand why she was speaking to us in Tamil! You remember when we took her call on speakerphone? I didn’t understand a word she was saying!

Ramess Bhai : Tamil? I thought she was speaking in Hindi!

Kokila Behn : No, it was definitely not Hindi. I think she was speaking in Tamil. Or maybe in Engliss…?

Ramess Bhai : Well, it was definitely not Engliss. Wouldn’t we have understood what she was saying if it was Engliss?

Kokila Behn : Yes, true…

Ramess Bhai : Anyhow, good that you had the foresight to pretend that the line was not clear and asked her to send us an SMS instead.

Kokila Behn : Which she promptly did. With a decline.

Ramess Bhai : How sad!

Kokila Behn : That leaves us with only Katrina Behen who is coming for the awards night.

Ramess Bhai : Which means our Best Actress award will have to go to her.

Kokila Behn : Such a pity.

Ramess Bhai : But what can we do? No option!

Kokila Behn : And on the men’s side?

Ramess Bhai : Well, there’s Akshay Kumar.

Kokila Behn : Arrey? What happened to Aamir Khan? I thought he was coming?

Ramess Bhai : He said he has to go to a village in Jharkhand that day. Or maybe he said Chhatisgarh? It wasn’t Bihar…No, definitely Uttarakhand…he said he was going to Uttarakhand. Or UP?

Kokila Behn : Oh saala! Why?

Ramess Bhai : To judge a kabaddi match! How the hell would I know?

Kokila Behn : You should have asked…

Ramess Bhai :  And said what? Don’t go feed water to the poor suffering farmers of that village, come here instead because we want to give you a prize? Chee! Sounds cheap.

Kokila Behn : You know, he scares me.

Ramess Bhai : He scares me, too! In fact, he was so intense on the phone that the connection broke!

Kokila Behn : Wow!

Ramess Bhai : So the men are out as well – Salman Bhai – court case, Ranbir – because his mummy-papa said no, Ajay Devgn – because Yash Chopra’s accountant was attending the function…

Kokila Behn : And Shah Rukh because he wanted to host and perform.

Ramess Bhai : Too much, this man. Limelight Hogger kahin ka!

Kokila Behn : When we have already selected apna Paresh Bhai to host!

Ramess Bhai : Oh yaarab this Best Actor trophy will have to be given to Akshay Kumar!

Kokila Behn : We should have nominated Irrfan Khan when we had the chance.

Ramess Bhai : Hindsight 20:20 hai!

Kokila Behn : That makes Katrina Kaif and Akshay Kumar our award winners. The Best Actor and Actress in India.

Silence

Ramess Bhai : Well, certainly better than our choice of Best Director and Best Film.

Kokila Behn : That film wasn’t all that bad, was it?

Ramess Bhai : Well, what choice to we have now, anyway?

Kokila Behn : By the way, Karan has asked for 3 extra trophies besides his own – one each for his 3 stars. He wants them all to be in golden colour, with a platinum top and with diamond rivets going down each side.

Ramess Bhai : Gadhedo saala! Chalo, let’s talk to Mansukh Bhai in Surat then. Let’s see what trophies he comes up with.

Kokila Behn : Has anyone even confirmed that they are definitely attending?

Ramess Bhai : Yes, Zarina Wahab.

Kokila Behn : Ok good! At least the Lifetime Achievement award is all set then.

  

Melbourne Ki Jhalak Dikhlaja!

This is an entry for the Indiblogger “…it’s your time to visit Melbourne NOW!” contest.

 

One evening, SRK, Kajol and KJo decide to meet for Koffee to discuss their planned new film. Here is the conversation that Bollywood Reporter managed to capture secretly.

Karan Johar (aka KJo) : Girl and Boy, it is time for us to try something revolutionary. After all, who knows, kal ho na ho? Enough of your Raj-Pooja nonsense, now. And even though your name is Khan indeed, I will give you a much more stylish name in this one. How about Sid? For Siddharth?

Kajol : Aye haye, new name-shame, haan? I like it! I don’t think Sid has been used in any film, has it?

ShahRukh Khan (aka SRK) : K-k-k-Kajol, what is wrong with you? Have you forgotten ‘Wake Up Sid’?

Kajol : Offo…I had forgotten! Chalo, let’s stick with Raj then. I think the name Rajinder is coming back in fashion. Raj can be the nickname.

SRK : Sounds deadly to me. And Rajinder Kumar is my favourite actor! Ok, but what about her?

KJo : Ab Raj ke saath toh Pooja is a package deal. We cannot play around with that otherwise Yash uncle gussa ho jayenge.

Kajol : Yes, please, please, but call me Poo, na? I am dying to have that name!

KJo : Ok, Raj and Poo. Settled.

SRK : And who are we playing in this film?

KJo : I am thinking this time I will have you play two super successful lawyer-artists who are facing off each other five years after you both passed out of the same university.

SRK : What is a “lawyer-artist”?

KJo : I mean you are brilliant lawyers by day but also incredibly successful entertainers in the evenings and weekends. Raj is a theatre director, who also acts – imagine someone like Dev Anand saab. And Poo is the best actress in the country. But your main profession in the film is still Law. You fight very important cases – usually of national importance – and the whole world is glued to what you are up to in court.

SRK : Wow…what a deadly combination!

Kajol : And which exotic location will we film this time?

KJo : You know, I am a bit undecided about that. We have already done Switzerland, London, New York, California. How about this time we try the other side of the globe? What do you feel about Japan?

SRK : Japan? So, we will play the most successful lawyer-artists of Japan? And when we fight important court cases in Japanese courts, the entire Japanese population will be glued to their TV sets watching our live coverage?

Kajol : I am assuming that we will make our courtroom arguments in Hindi and not Japanese, right? Mujhe toh bilkul Japanese nahi aati – except waka doki!

KJo : Of course, silly! Yeh Hindi movie hai.

Kajol : So, will we assume that all Japanese people know Hindi, just like the British and the Americans in Hindi films? I guess no harm in that…

SRK : No, no, I think thoda zyada ho jayega.

KJo : Hmmm…I see your point. I guess that also rules out Beijing and Shanghai then. And Seoul.

SRK : Dammit. I really wanted to remix Govinda’s old song for my next film – “Korea, chura na mera jiya, Korea chura na mera jiya…

Kajol : Husn hai suhana, ishq hai…

KJo : Guys! Focus!

SRK : Oh sorry, sorry!

Kajol : Jo-Kar, have you thought about Australia? We did Sydney for that dreadful – We are Family – so this time we could go to Melbourne!

Melbourne Cricket Ground

SRK : Yes, M-m-m-Melbourne! Sounds like a perfect choice to me! Will we get a chance to go see the world famous Melbourne Cricket Ground?

KJo : Sure!

Kajol : Quick, quick, tell us more of the story now!

KJo : So, we begin with Raj and Poo, biggest rivals in college. She is called Raj ki Poo, and he is called Poo ka Raj. That is how much they are identified with each other!

Kajol : How adorable! I can almost smell love-hate in the air.

SRK : Will we be filming at the Melbourne Law School in the University of Melbourne? I hear they have a marvellous campus!

University of Melbourne – Newman Residential College

KJo : It is marvelous indeed! In fact, I am also thinking of doing a college celebration-type song where you both, with 50 other white Australian kids, sing and dance at the world famous Melbourne State Library. You know, like a ‘We don’t want no education’ kind of song.

Kajol : Where everyone does Bollywood dancing, right? I think everyone in Australia learns Bollywood dancing at some point in their lives!

KJo : Of course.

SRK : But what exactly is the story?

KJo : You see, you both were the most popular students in your university. You were always competing against each other for the best grades, the most popular student award, the best sportsperson award etc. But even through all that rivalry, you secretly loved each other.

State Library of Victoria

Kajol : Wow…I already have goose-bumps! Tell me more!

KJo :  And then when college ended, you both went your separate ways, without getting a chance to express your love for each other.

Kajol : Awww….that is so sad!

SRK : But why didn’t we express our love?

KJo : Fate. Circumstance. Ego. Parents wishes. Higher education. Call it what you may.

Kajol : Such a pity!

SRK : Is there a sad song at this point?

KJo : Yes, obviously! I can show you walking around the beautiful streets of Melbourne as two sad, heartbroken almost-lovers. I think I will also show you both go and light a candle at the divine St. Paul’s Cathedral one by one, missing each other by minutes and inches.

St Pauls Cathedral

Kajol : Sigh. Our love. It was not to be!

KJo : But now here is the catch! You both do get to meet again!

Kajol : Oh goodie! Otherwise this would have turned out to be such a sad story!

KJo : Yes, five years later, when you both are 25 and super successful lawyers, you get a chance to fight a highly charged court case in the Supreme Court of Melbourne. It’s about an Australian-Indian couple who don’t want a divorce but they still must go through it.

Kajol : Awww….how sad!

SRK : But why are they getting divorced if they don’t want to?

KJo : Fate. Circumstance. Ego. Parents wishes. Children’s future. Call it what you may.

Kajol : Such a pity!

SRK : Is there a sad song at this point?

KJo : No, not this time. This time, you both decide to capture the agony of this estranged couple through your art. While you fight the case in court, you are simultaneously also working on a play that depicts their misery. And through their sadness, you aim to show yours!

SRK : But why?

KJo : Because you both realize, in an ocean of emotions that despite the five years of separation, and even though you are now 25 and no longer virgins, your love for each other is still strong. And yet, you are still shy to declare your feelings to each other.

Kajol : Awww….how sad!

SRK : So what do we do?

KJo : You both decide that you will fight the case but, for the sake of your love, you will sacrifice.

Melbourne Supreme Court

SRK : Sacrifice? How?

KJo : By losing the case and making the other person win! Remember, you are both successful lawyers who have never lost in the past. For love, you are even prepared to do that!

Kajol : Awww….how sad!

SRK : Stop saying that, silly! How can that be possible?

Kajol : Oh sorry, yes, I do see your point! Jo-Kar, don’t you think it is unlawful for either of us to knowingly lose the case of our client?

KJo : But all is fair in love and war!

Kajol : Awww….

SRK : Haan, woh toh hai…

Kajol : So, what happens then?

KJo : Simple, you both plot to bring your clients back together! By the way, your judge in court starts sensing that you both have a larger mission to bring your clients together. And he is secretly all for it! Do you know who I am signing up for that role?

SRK : Anupam Kher, obviously!

KJo : Obviously!

Kajol : Who is he playing?

KJo : The Chief Justice of Australia!

SRK : It’s great to see how successful people of Indian-origin are in Australia. Bravo!

KJo : Coming back to the estranged couple, your plan of getting the two of them to keep bumping into each other at all kinds of places and situations seems to work its magic slowly.

Kajol : How nice! I think this calls for a happy song!

KJo : And there sure is one. Yes, I was thinking we could film this number at the Shrine of Remembrance!

Shrine of Remembrance

SRK : And later, when they come see our play, our clients get convinced that their love is forever, and they decide to drop their case and get back together again!

Kajol : Yay! The End!

SRK : What ‘The End’ silly? Our own love story has still not been resolved!

Kajol : Oh haan!

KJo : And guess who brings the two of you together?

Kajol : Who? Our parents?

KJo : Have you not been paying attention at all? It’s the Judge!

Kajol : Oh wow!

KJo : Yes! Obviously he senses the undercurrent between the two of you, and he even comes to watch your play in disguise!

Kajol : What a great man!

KJo : Yes, as he throws out the case of your clients, he also issues a court order for you both to get together! But as soon as he does that, Poo flies off the court house!

SRK : Why?

KJo : Because I don’t want the last scene to be in a court house!

Kajol : So where do I fly off to?

 

Southern Cross Station

KJo : To a train station obviously. We will film at the Southern Cross Train Station. Where you are anxiously waiting in the train for Raj to come for you, and Raj is frantically looking into each train window searching for you!

Kajol : How romantic!

SRK : But why did Poo run away in the first place?

KJo : Fate. Circumstance. Ego. Parents wishes. Their past. Call it what you may.

Kajol : Such a pity!

SRK : So do they find each other?

KJo : Yes, thankfully! Someone calls the station and tells them there is a bomb on the train. The friendly and efficient Victoria Police stops the train and rescues all the passengers. And amidst all the drama, you both find each other and finally profess your undying love for each other!

The ever-smiling Victoria Police

Kajol : Awww….

SRK : …while all this is being telecast live on Australian TV, right?

KJo : Yes, and there is not a single dry eye in the entire country! In fact, all news channels are carrying a live stream in India, too, and every Indian feels the same emotions five thousand miles away!

Kajol : I think I am going to cry myself!

SRK : What can I say…this movie is a winner. Bravo!

Kajol :  And already, every time I think of Melbourne, mere dil mein kuch kuch ho raha hai!

SRK : And I can already imagine our fans flocking to their travel agents to make their Australia bookings. It’s almost like we are beseeching them – “it’s your time to visit Melbourne NOW!”

The very popular Collins Street of Melbourne

Kajol : By the way, who was it who calls to say that there is a bomb on the train?

SRK : Yes, I am curious, too!

KJo : It’s the judge! Actually, there really is a bomb on the train! You see, the film ends with a teaser for Part II of this film…in which the judge is really a terrorist!

Kajol : Oh my God!

KJo : Isn’t that a great twist?

SRK : Better than great! Main kurbaan jaun aapke idea par!

Kajol : But listen Jo-Kar, why don’t you cast yourself in the film? You’ve been a director, a fashion designer, a compere, a host and a judge. Obviously, acting is the next logical move for you.

SRK : Yes, ab acting mein apna johar dikhao! Waise, what part do you think he should play?

Kajol : He could be the hero’s best friend. We could call him Sid!

SRK : Perfect. Raj-Pooja-Sid! Yeh dostana achcha chalega! I am already thrilled!

KJo : Yes, why not? Perhaps I can be the reason why Raj never got together with Poo all this while!

 

This blog post is all in jest, obviously, except that it really is your time to visit Melbourne now! For more details about what to find there, and how to get there, do visit :  www.visitmelbourne.com/in

The popular and tourist friendly Bourke Street of Melbourne

A Yash Chopra Romance : The Only Preview You Need To Read!

Friend and fellow blogging-enthusiast-without-a-blog Achala Srivatsa is back, this time donning her Movie Critic hat. Her new interest is a movie strangely called “A Yash Chopra Romance”. Lest you wonder why anyone in their right frame of mind would want to see an 82-year old man, who looks more and more like Pandit Jasraj’s long lost twin each day, romancing amid the tulips in Roger Federer’s garden, let me quickly tell you that he is only the director of this new movie – the real stars are ShahRukh Khan, Katrina Kaif and Anushka Sharma. Presumably, working on this film has been so mind numbing for its creative team that they have run out of steam cooking up a suitable title so far. New rumours have it that it might be called “Yeh Kahan Aa Gaye Hum”. The only thing that needs to be checked now is to see if that title hasn’t already been usurped by a TV serial or two. Because, as we all know, what’s a TV serial if it isn’t titled after a film song that has at least 15 words in it?

Read on for Achala’s hilarious preview!

Singing on the Thames

So I understand that the new Yash Chopra Romance is “loosely” based on The End of the Affair. Which, as anyone knows, is right on top of the pile when it comes to the Doomed Romance category.

Now the intensely brooding Ralph Fiennes combined with the fragility of Julianne Moore makes for a double pack of Kleenex movie.

But we are dealing with Chopra the Elder here – no mean hand in the Doomed Romance area.  What can we expect from the Yashified End of the Affair? Here are my confident predictions.

Act 1

  • SRK is a dashing investment banker  – probably in London or New York. These two cities have the kind of glamour and grit we need. And these Grand Romances do not take place in Gurgaon or Bangalore.
  • There will of course be the fiery and tempestuous meeting, the mandatory romantic song in Switzerland, followed by reckless Romantic Declarations
  • Then the Accident or some random act that results in the hero having his near death experience. Since the original was set against WW II, it would be a bit difficult to match that, but I am sure Chopra the Elder will manage.
  • This is then followed by the heroine’s pact with the Almighty – let him live and I will walk away from him Forever.
  • I would also expect clever subterfuge at this point – Heroine cunningly tries the completely original “I will make Rahul think I am cheating on him” gag. Always a good bet, since the hero, whose brain has turned into bubble gum after singing those songs, is very easily convinced that his girlfriend (a girl who has invested considerably in Bollywood dance lessons for his sake) is two-timing him.  Smiling bravely through her tears etc, she converts his everlasting Pyaar into soul torturing Nafrat.

Act 2

  1. Separation is followed by the Anxiety that goes with it. Maudlin Song Opportunities with at least 2 lines sung by Yash’s Muse –Lata Didi
  2. Katrina (Pooja/Kiran) gets married to an Insipid Sap whose role is to Sacrifice his love in the end to the Hero. Most likely SRK (Yes, yes, Rahul or Raj- why buck a trend?) will marry a suitably long-suffering second heroine (shades of Kabhi Kabhie anyone?).

Act 3

  • Cut to 10 years later. Since SRK is sick of London by now, my guess is the crew shifts to maybe Scotland.  So an accidental meeting with the Heroine, that familiar refrain and boom, we are back in business.
  • Bring out the big guns – swelling music, tears, refrain, Declarations of Love, kick Insipid Sap in the face and…
  •  …the Almighty weighs in on the situation. Aforementioned pact must be honoured. Hence heroine is struck down with an illness that leaves her suitably pale and wan and swiftly dispatches her (but not before that last song).
  • However, there must be a child lurking somewhere… and the story continues.
  • Movie ends on a Love Never Dies motif…?