Tag Archives: Saif Ali Khan

The Good Old Khan Market

The Real Khans (Image from Google Search)

The Real Khans
(Image from Google Search)

The year is 2038, that is, twenty five years from today. The world looks very different. TV serial Pavitra Rishta is finally about to end its legendary run on Zee TV. Prime Minister Rahul Gandhi is expected to lose the next General Elections amid widespread perception of incompetence and fraud, the new multi-coloured  1-Crore Rupee note is the new buzz in town and already in short supply, and Sachin is expected to announce his retirement imminently.

The only thing that hasn’t changed much is Bollywood. Cutting edge movies continue to be made, Item Songs are as raunchy as ever, and Abhishek Bachchan is still waiting to give his first solo hit since his debut 40 years ago. Oh, and one more thing – The Three King Khans still rule Bollywood!

They are meeting today at Shah Rukh’s swanky mansion called Jannat. (Gauri stayed on at Mannat after the divorce) The old boys are reminiscing about their years in the industry over beer, fried boneless chicken and Gelusil.    

 

Salman Khan : Yaar, Arbaaz is forcing me to do Dabanng 14. He says this new one will be better than all the previous ones.

Aamir Khan : How so? When you fart in this one, will it be for real this time?

All of them laugh.

Shah Rukh Khan : Oye Arbaaz, I think I know the real reason why you are making this film.

Arbaaz Khan : What’s that, Bhai Jaan?

SRK : (impishly) Your begum is feeling like doing an item song again, right? Basically, all you are doing is building an entire movie around her item song. Just like the previous 13 Dabanngs!

Aamir sniggers at the suggestion, and Salman and Arbaaz look sheepish now that their secret is out.

Aamir : Abey, haven’t all your heroines retired already? Even Katrina has now, after that awful Mother India remake debacle.

Salman : (genuinely surprised) Oh, you didn’t like it? I thought she was really good! Who else could have played an NRI Mother India so convincingly?

Aamir : (with contempt) Hmpf! Saale, itne saalon mein you couldn’t teach her any acting?

SRK : Sallu Mian teaching acting?

All four laugh again.

 

The doorbell rings. Since only Aamir has fresh batteries in his hearing aids, he is the only one who hears it.

Aamir : I think there is someone at the door.

SRK hops on his motorized scooter and drives to the main entrance. The other oldies follow suit on their scooters. At the door, they find Saif Ali Khan with his daughter.

SRK : Oye, Hello? What are you doing here, Saif Ali?

Saif Ali Khan : (mildly angry) Khan. Saif Ali KHAN. How can you have a Khan meet and keep me out of it?

Aamir : Saif Ali PATAUDI. You are not a Khan, you fraud! You never were and you never will be! Now scoot before I release my 2 Idiots – Sharman and Madhavan – after you.

Saif : This is not fair! I have been as successful a Khan as the bloody three of you, yaar! And look…

Quickly fishes out his visiting card from his wallet.

Saif : Even my visiting card says – Saif Ali KHAN. From Pataudi.

SRK : Aww…that’s cute, Agent Vinod. And don’t think I will not unleash my Ra.One on you just because you show up here hiding behind your daughter, ok?

Saif : Daughter? That’s Kareena, you geriatric idiots! Put on your fucking glasses!

The three real Khans laugh very hard and then immediately break into old man coughing spasms. Saif and Kareena leave the premises in a huff.

 

The men are back in the den, slowly chewing on soft chicken nuggets. Each has been advised by his dentist to be careful about the dentures.

Arbaaz : Bhaiya, tell them about the heroine of the new Dabanng!

Salman digs out his mini iPad from his bag which is also carrying his hot water bottle, emergency hair fixing cream and Viagra.

Salman : Boys, meet my new heroine!

SRK : (observes the picture in the iPad and frowns) New heroine?

Aamir : Abey ullu ke paththey, someone is playing a joke on you! That is Reena Roy. She used to be one of those Nagin type actresses from the 1970s. When we were all in our nikkars!

Salman : (angrily) Arrey kameeno, this is not Reena Roy. This is Heerakshi, Sonakshi Sinha’s daughter. Bloody Assholes!

The other two oldies readjust their reading glasses and have another look. They nod their heads at each other.

SRK : (doubtfully) Helluva resemblance, I must say. (Does not sound completely convinced about the woman’s authenticity)

 

The doorbell rings again. This time the boys decide to race their motorized scooters to the main entrance. Aamir wins the race.

Aamir : (surprised) Abey, who are you?

Fardeen Khan : Fardeen Khan, son of Feroz Khan, requesting permission to join the party.

Salman : Abey, tu pagal hai? We just let the dogs after that Pataudi fellow, but at least he was in films. Have you even worked in films? You look like you run a Halwai shop or something.

SRK : (nodding in agreement) Yeah, he does look like a Halwai. (Calls out loudly for the maid servant) Vimla, did we order any mithai?

Fardeen : (extremely offended) Heyy Baby, Khushi, Jaanasheen – all major box office hits, you bloody pompous assholes!

Aamir : (pretending to think hard) Oh yeah, yeah, I am sort of remembering him now…

SRK : You are?

Aamir : Yeah, he had another film…what was its name again? Oh yes, yaad aaya – NO ENTRY.

The door is slammed shut.

 

Later, after several beers. 

SRK : (wistfully) Yaar, I have had enough of Yash Raj. No more. I can’t play Rahul anymore after the flop.

Aamir : (consolingly) Not a very wise choice for Aditya Chopra to remake his father’s old classic. Is it any surprise that it bombed?

SRK : Well, I think it was because of the title – Jab Tak Haddiyon Mein Hai Jaan. I don’t think people took that to be very romantic. Why couldn’t he just call it – Jab Tak Hai Jaan Mein Jaan – or something like that, like sane people would?

SRK silently takes a swig of Gelusil Liquid.

Salman : (changing topic to lighten the mood, turns to Aamir) I hear your new one is very cutting edge? Planning another trendsetter film?

Aamir : (excitedly) Yes, yes, it’s a psychological science-fiction adult comedy.

Arbaaz : Hein?

Aamir : You remember my old films Talaash and Delhi Belly?

Arbaaz : Yes.

Aamir : So, imagine kind of a rehash of those two genres.

SRK : (finding the mixing of ‘psychological’ and ‘adult comedy’ genres quite strange) And where does the science-fiction part come in?

Aamir : It’s based on the Lunar Mafia. Parts of the film will be shot on the Moon.

SRK : (unconvincingly) I see, I see.

 

The doorbell rings again. By now, the men are annoyed by the constant interruptions.

Salman : (as he opens the door) Oh look what the cat dragged in. It’s Paan Singh Tomar.

Aamir : (gruffly) What do you want, Paan Singh Tomar?

Irrfan Khan : I heard there was a Khan gathering today?

SRK : So, how does it concern you? This is for real, bona fide, Khan heroes only. Not character actors like you.

Salman : Yes, real achievers. Like us!

Aamir : What have you achieved, Pi Patel?

Irrfan : Oh, I guess nothing by your standards. No one is willing to give me romantic hero, or rebel hero, or action hero roles at 70 years of age, that’s for sure.

Salman : Yes, so scoot!

Irrfan : Actually, that is what I came here to tell you. You see, even if you invited me today, I wouldn’t be able to join you. I am off to Los Angeles.

SRK : What for, Billoo Barber?

Irrfan : For the Oscars, na. Didn’t you hear? I am nominated for the Best Actor Academy Award this year. The buzz about my winning the trophy is very strong.

The man bids adieu, slamming the door on the ‘real’ Khans faces.

 

Aamir : (mildly annoyed as he makes a u-turn on his scooter) You know, who cares about the Oscars?

Salman : Yes, who wants worldwide recognition as an actor? I am just happy that people from Bilaspur to Bhatinda idolize me as their God! I am thinking of patenting my pelvic thrust.

SRK : Well, thank God it wasn’t me who got nominated. I don’t want to go through any airport security where they don’t recognize my world famous face.

The men return to the den. They are quite wistful. There is silence, except for Salman’s farts which no one hears anyway. Strangely enough, they are too lost in thought to have even the smell bother them.

Aamir : (finally breaking the silence) Saalon, we have been hares all our lives, running after glittery things that mean nothing. And that kameena kachua just pipped us to the post.

SRK : Yes, yaar, bande mein talent toh hai.

Salman and Arbaaz merely nod.    

Suddenly, Karan Johar’s voice booms on the Public Address system all around the mansion.

Karan Johar : (over the PA) Boys, food is served. Come and get it!

The announcement breaks their reverie.

SRK : (looks at Salman) Ah, anyway, tell me more about Heerakshi. Yeh bata saale, will she play your wife or granddaughter in that film?

The boys laugh and drive their motorized scooters to the dining room.

 

 

No motorized scooters were harmed in the writing of this fictional story. I am taking part in The Write Tribe Festival of Words 1st – 7th September 2013. The theme is SEVEN. This story featured seven people who happen to have the same last name.

 

Saifeena! The Secret Story Behind The Marriage That Almost Didn’t Happen.

They may look like a perfectly happy couple now, but do you know that the first date between Saif and Kareena almost didn’t go quite right? This is what the waiters at The Zodiac Grill at The Taj overheard of that meeting many months ago.

Made For Each Other. Manufactured Ten Years Apart.

Kareena Kapoor : Hello!

Saif Ali Khan : Oh, hello, Bebo! I mean, I hope you don’t mind me calling you that…

Kareena : No, no problem at all, Uncle!

Saif : <Coughs> Errm…I wish you wouldn’t call me that…

Kareena : Call you what?

Saif : I mean, Uncle! Uncle is such a…such a formal word, isn’t it? You could just call me…

Kareena : Chachu?

Saif : No, no, not that!

Kareena : Mamu, then?

Saif : Why don’t we just call each other by our names? We both have such cool names. You could just call me Saif.

Kareena : Haww…I used to call Amrita aunty Amrita aunty, na! And you have always called me Kareena beta. Remember your wedding? I was wearing my pink frock and plastic clips in my hair. I must have been 2 years old or something. You must have been, what, 50?

Saif : You were 10. I was 19. But that was many years ago. We are both grown ups and mature adults now! We don’t have to be formal any more.

Kareena : Ok, Unc…I mean, Saif-ji…?

Saif : Saif. Just Saif. Please.

Kareena : Ok, Saif.

Saif : So, Bebo, how are things going?

Kareena : Oh, things are going great! Especially after I broke up with that lazy loser Shahid! You know, jab we met no, I thought it would be cool to get married to someone who already had Kapoor as a surname. But he is just so…blehh!

Saif : I see. Is it important for you to retain your surname after marriage?

Kareena : Yeah, sure. I am a Kapoor after all. Our family has achieved so much! You know why the Karishma – Abhishek engagement broke?

Saif : Why?

Kareena : Because he didn’t want to change his name from Abhishek Bachchan to Abhishek Kapoor. What a loser!

Saif : Naturally.

Kareena : I know, right! I mean, look at Karishma! She is considered to be the most famous actress of all time!

Saif : Oh, she is?

Kareena : Of course, that was why she was the heroine of all No. 1 films – Biwi No. 1, Hero No. 1 etc. etc. Why else would they name those films after her?

Saif : I see.

Kareena : And now, she is about to release her comeback film – Dangerous Ishqq 3D. I think the Khans had better watch out!

Saif : You mean I should be worried?

Kareena : You? Why?

Saif : You just said – the Khans had better watch out.

Kareena : Oh, sorry, I meant Aamir ji, Sallu bhai and SRK. You are not really in their league, na.

Saif : Ouch…that hurt…

Kareena : I mean, you are a Khan, too, but still not quite one. They are like – KHAAAAAAN. You are just – khan. You know what I mean?

Saif : Not really. But you do realize that I am as accomplished as them, right?

Kareena : Oh, yeah, yeah, I didn’t mean you are not old like them.

Saif : <Coughs> I mean, I am not that old.

Kareena : You are what now…like, 50 or something?

Saif : No, no, I am waaaaay younger than that!

Kareena : You know, Lolo is many years older than me. Many times, I just call her Daadi-ma. She is just sooo old! You know she even colours her hair! Have you seen her Garnier hair dye TV ads?

Saif : <Coughs> But many people colour their hair…no harm in that!

Kareena : Yeah, old people do! Like Aishwarya ji in her L’Oreal ads! By the way, I just re-bagged Heroine, that movie she was supposed to do with Madhur ji. I think it’s going to be another Mother India. A total classic!

Saif : Congratulations…yes, I can already see it as the biggest success of 2012! Madhur and his hard-hitting brand of cinema. In fact, I am hoping that he will someday make a male-oriented film called Halwaai and sign me up for that.

Kareena : Oh wow, really?

Saif : Never mind that. You know, there are many other great things on the anvil for 2012…

Kareena : Really? Like what?

Saif : Have you heard of Agent Vinod?

Kareena : Agent Vinod…hmmm…I think so. Isn’t it a brand of phenyl? Strong chemical agent to clean floor ke kaale kaale daag? I think they asked me to be their brand ambassador once. Before I bagged the Boroplus campaign.

Saif : <Coughs> No, no…nothing like that. It’s a new movie I am planning. Like James Bond. Agent = Spy, get it?

Kareena : Oh, I get it!

Saif : Would you be interested in playing the female lead in the film?

Kareena : I would be, but only if the character is very hat-ke. Something so unusual that it doesn’t even exist! Like, if you are a RAW agent, I could play a female Pakistani spy! Who is also good hearted! It will be sensational! I bet you, no one can even imagine a character like that, let alone play one! A good female ISI spy!

Saif : Yeah, that does sound absolutely unusual! Never in a million years will we ever have Aamir, SRK, or even that box-office ka Ek Hi Tiger Salman have his heroine play a Pakistani agent in their film! We could be the pioneers of this genre!

Kareena : Super excited! This will be another Sholay at the box office !

Saif : My God, we will have a Sholay and a Mother India in the same year!

Kareena : Good times!

Saif : I think we make a great pair!

Kareena : Yes, won’t it be great if we won the Filmfare awards together in 2012? Me for Heroine and you for Agent James!

Saif : Agent Bond. I mean Vinod James. I mean…

Kareena : Agent Vinod, yes, yes, sorry!

Saif : Yeah, but what I meant was that we make a great pair not just professionally. I think we are at the same wavelength personally as well.

Kareena : I know! Like the connection that M.F. Hussain and Madhuri Dixit have!

Saif : <Coughs> No, no, not like them!

Kareena : You mean, like M.F. Hussain and Tabu, then?

Saif : No! I don’t mean M.F. Hussain at all!

Kareena : Who then?

Saif : I was thinking more like Amit ji and Jaya ji, Rishi uncle and Neetu aunty. Like Shah Rukh and Karan. Like Riteish and Genelia.

Kareena : Oh! But you are so…

Saif : I am so what? Royal, suave, articulate? Charming?

Kareena : I was going to say o…

Saif : Opulent? I am a Chhota Nawab. Opulence runs in our blood. Have you not seen my mother?

Kareena : Yes, she does look good even though she is so old. How old is she, like 100?

Saif : You had better not say that in front of her. But yes, she does look great. And as Begum of Pataudi, she is royalty. Owner of all the khandaani riches – clothes, jewellery, land.

Kareena : Hmm…

Saif : All of which will be inherited by the next Begum…

Kareena : Amrita aunty?

Saif : We are divorced now!

Kareena : Oh, you mean your next begum!

Saif : I am just saying.

Kareena : Interesting thought – you and me. At least my initials won’t change!

Saif : That’s right!

Kareena : Though, if it ever gets serious between us, everyone will maaro PJs about our age difference!

Saif : Not at all. No one will even notice the age difference! There is hardly any, anyway!

Kareena : But you are old…

Saif : I am not…

Kareena : Geriatric almost.

Saif : <Coughs> Let’s talk about something else. Should we just order something? How about some wine?

Kareena : Sure. As long as it’s vintage.

Saif : Dammit!

Kareena : <Laughs>