Tag Archives: Marketing and Advertising

Samsung Galaxy S4 Or Apple iPhone 6? The Real Scoop!

The ONLY Technical Review You Will Ever Need! 

 

Nerd Orgasm Alert!

Well, this week, Samsung launched their brand new flagship smartphone called Galaxy Ass-4. I know what you are thinking – ‘Galaxy Ass-4…hmmm…haven’t I heard that name before? Wasn’t that the name of one of the final frontiers ventured to by no man except Captain James T. Kirk (with reliable sidekicks Spock and Bones McCoy), who

Wowsa!

Wowsa!

discovered, much to his unbridled delight, that most extra-terrestrials out there look exactly like the curvy, buxom and blonde earthwomen of the 1960s?’ Yes, possibly, and we will discuss those mysterious ETs some other time. This post, however, is about the new smartphones which have so many features that they could fly the A-380 without human intervention. The feature list of the Galaxy Ass-4, for example, is mindboggling – it can cure your cancer, park your car, get you a hot date, give you a mani-pedi etc etc. – all you have to do as a user is launch an app and wave some gestures at it. Yes, quite like Harry Potter, but with a phone instead of a wand.

Now, I have been a loyal iPhone supporter for many years so I was getting very concerned that the Satan’s Own Fruit company was losing its skills of putting together the world’s most perfect 4 inch strudel. Until I read the feature list planned for iPhone-Sex, that is! I tell you, THIS IS GOING TO BE THE PERFECT SMARTPHONE. Sure, it does all that the Samsung can do (points that I have enumerated above) – plus, it can compose bhajans, correctly count the number of stars in the sky, iron your clothes etc. AND, you have got to look at the HUMAN features they are adding to it!

Read on, this is the new iPhone-Sex feature list that was recently smuggled out of a Chinese sweatshop by the Dalai Lama himself.

 

Ass Shaky Shaky Shaky : Now, here is a gesture to make an unequivocal declaration to the caller on the other side of what a pathetic runt he/she is, and that you are done having that miserable piece of shit in your life. This feature can be used in both personal and professional settings, but it is the latter that will give you the biggest bang for your buck.

To use this gesture, during the call with the said caller, simply point the phone screen to your buttocal area, pull your knickers/drawers down, and wriggle your ass firmly and repeatedly till your phone responds with a beep. The beep confirms that the phone has automatically wiped off all traces of the said asshole from your life. The great thing is that the phone doesn’t even ask for a confirmation!

Notes : The gesture works well on voice calls, Facebook messaging and SMS. And it works incredibly well on video calls.

 

Armpit-O-Meter : This is basically an Odourmeter in your phone that has been calibrated to calculate how close you  can safely get to smelly fellow passengers travelling in overcrowded public transport without loss of consciousness. The results are displayed on a scale that runs from 0 to 10, where the higher the number, the safer it is. For example, a flashing ‘10’ means that you can practically put your nose under the fellow traveller’s armpit and take deep breaths. A ‘5’ means that you might want to seriously consider waiting for the next train/bus/metro. ‘Can it get worse than 5?’, you wonder. Of course, a ‘ZERO’ would mean that it is time you started looking for career opportunities in another city (or country, preferably) – you are absolutely unlikely to survive any public transport travel in this location.

To use this gesture, point the phone for 5 seconds towards the crummiest looking passenger (or whoever you wish to) in the transport vehicle you are about to step into. Observe reading. Take action as proposed above.

Known issues : If the scale shows a negative number, especially while being used in a Mumbai Local, or anywhere near Najafgarh in Delhi, please don’t be alarmed that your phone has conked off. The reading is correct.

 

The Rapunzel Low Hanger Gesture : This is a cutesy name given by the Apple developers to the gesture that alerts you when it is time to consider a hair trim. After all, there is nothing worse for the 21st century  smartphone user than to see his/her cockiness pulverize into ridicule. Thanks to this gesture (which works in conjunction with the Rapunzel App), your wayward follicles can now be kept in check. On using this gesture, the phone screen will turn Green – for Glory, or Red – for Ruin, allowing the user to take appropriate action and, resultantly, chart the destiny they so desire.

To use this gesture, launch the Rapunzel app and bring the phone, face forward, to approximately 3 inches from your nose. Twitch your nose repeatedly at the screen for around 5 seconds. Stop, and observe the colour of the screen. If Red, the upper bezel of the phone automatically converts into a sharp blade and may be used as a hair trimmer.

Note : This is not a toy. Please take suitable precautions when using your phone as a hair trimmer. And, under no circumstances, may the blade be used as a pencil sharpener or on your wrist.

Additional Notes : PLEASE, this gesture is meant to ascertain the civility of the length in your NOSE HAIR ONLY. Do not use on any other parts of the body, you fucking idiot! Other people (family/friends) sometimes need to touch that same bloody phone!

 

 

Ready to kick ass!

Ready to kick ass!

The How-Loud?TM Gesture : This revolutionary idea is going to save new relationships until overt farting (as opposed to the clandestine, noiseless ones – those are more-or-less ok) becomes as socially acceptable as, say, fishing or groinal scratching or even listening to Justin Bieber past 14 years of age. The 21st century smartphone user often worries about – ‘How soon in a relationship is it ok for me to let it rip in front of my boyfriend?’ or, more importantly – ‘Oh fuck, did she hear that? Please God, please let her not have heard that! Shit!’ Well, with The How-Loud?TM gesture, the worrier can breathe easy. This App + Gesture combo gives you a full report on How-Loud?TM you can get and at what distance because, let’s face it, your body is going to let you down at the worst possible moment.

To use this gesture, launch the How-Loud?TM app. Once open, male users (seeking female companionship), must place the phone by the dresser-mirror and walk 5 feet away. Female users (seeking male companionship) need to place the phone on the couch that faces the TV-Gaming console, and walk away the same distance (5 feet). From this distance, the user releases around 10-15 farts, making sure to ‘mix it up’ by modulating their length and sound frequency. Based on the data provided, the phone will automatically produce a detailed report, giving the user precise information on which ‘types’ of farts are safe and from what distance may they be expended.

Note : This data is 100% reliable. Based on trials, it has been observed that almost all users are shocked by the findings. Most farts, inadvisedly considered by them to be surreptitious, are oh not so quiet after all. People are quite foolish that they think they can ‘get away with it’.

 

After reading this, it is clear that the iPhone-Sex is worth waiting for. Move over, Samsung Galaxy Ass-4, you are already obsolete. I don’t know about you but I am already planning to rob the ATM next door to arrange for the needed monies (because I need many, many ‘money’ to afford this). I think I can take that skinny guard if I just spend a few more hours at the gym.

 

(All images have been stolen from the internet – aided and abetted by Google)

 

The Vagina Dialogues – The Jimmy And BOB Story

 

A bunch of my fellow bloggers recently wrote posts about a new product in the market – 18-Again. It’s a new “vaginal rejuvenation and tightening” gel that makes women feel, well, 18 and virginal again. That’s the ludicrous assertion, anyway. Expectedly, these insidious claims got everyone riled up, as they should. The posts I read ranged from those discussing the sanctity of and respect for the female body to the total abhorrence of marketers today in selling us products that we don’t want or need.

Anyway, since nothing is sacrosanct in my universe, not even feminine nether areas, I thought I will just take some highly unnecessary funny jabs at this whole topic.

This is an Adults-only post. You had better not chortle like a 14 year old reading the double entendre.   

 

Two Vaginas of a certain age enter a bar.

Vagaynti : Lord, can’t wait to get some Jack inside me!

Vageena : Me, too! I am beat! Hey, Dick, two Jack Daniels on-the-rocks!

Dick, The Bartender : Coming up, ladies.

Vageena : Thanks!

Vagaynti : What happened to you? You look like a one-eyed-monster ate your pie!

Vageena : Mainly work, but also that prick of a husband of mine! Johnson is at it again. He just can’t keep it in his pants! I think he might be wandering again.

Vagaynti : Oh really!

Vageena : I think he is poking around with that 18-year old temp in his office.

Vagaynti : That dick!

Dick, The Bartender : You wanted something, ladies?

Vagaynti : Oh, sorry, Dick. No, we weren’t talking about you exactly.

Dick, The Bartender : Ok, no problem.

Vagaynti : So, tell me, how did you find out that there was someone else?

Vageena : Well, he clearly has no interest in me anymore! He just comes home, changes into those threadbare boxers of his, and plonks himself in front of the TV. If it isn’t the TV, it’s his laptop. Plus, his energy levels! He is just limp all the time! He couldn’t care less if I sat there with wide-open arms.

Vagaynti : What a dork! But wasn’t he always like that?

Vageena : No, not really! He was always perked up around me. Hard at work to please me. If I was even a wee wee bit sad, he would pour me a stiff drink! There was a time when he was the, what is it that the Chinese say, the dong to my ding?

Vagaynti : It’s yin and yang, actually.

Vageena : Yes, yes, that’s what I meant. Ah well. All that’s down the shaft now.

Vagaynti : Such is life, my dear!

Vageena : And that’s why we love our Jack!

Vagaynti : Amen, sister!

Dick, The Bartender : Ladies, do you need a refill?

Vagaynti : Yes, Dick. The same.

Dick, The Bartender : Ladies, I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation.

Vagaynti : You did?

Dick, The Bartender : Yes, and if you don’t mind my saying, I think you are approaching your problem all wrong.

Vagaynti : We are? I mean, she is?

Dick, The Bartender : Yes, ladies. You belong to the 21st century. You are modern and liberal. Hell, you need to open up and see what is going on around you. So, do you see what the problem is?

Vageena : What is it?

Dick, The Bartender : Well, it certainly isn’t your husband, what did you say his name was? Jimmy?

Vageena : It’s Johnson, really, but go on, why do you say the problem is not him?

Dick, The Bartender : Well, can’t you see? Because he is The Man! He is the pocket-rocket that needs to shoot to the skies. If you were a tent, he would be the tent-pole it would rest on. If you were a video game, he would be your joystick. He is the meat, the hot dog in your otherwise plain bun. He is the salami….

Vagaynti : Ok, ok, so what exactly are you saying? That…

Dick, The Bartender : …that you ladies need to get your act together and not blame him for your miseries. Yes, exactly!

Vagaynti : Our miseries? I see.

Vageena : So, if…errr…Jimmy is being a wanker at home, it is my fault?

Dick, The Bartender : It must be.

Vageena : And, when he comes home all dispirited and we can’t seem to get it up, it is I who must do something about it?

Dick, The Bartender : You bet!

Vagaynti : Hmm. Good points, our man is making.

Vageena : Oh, and if Jimmy is bonking that 18-year old at work, it really is not his fault, is it?

Dick, The Bartender : It absolutely isn’t! It must have been she who came on to him.

Vageena : That cu*t! I knew it.

Vagaynti : Yeah, right? Why do these young things go after other people’s shriveled old things in the first place?

Vageena : I tell you, they have no self-respect. None, whatsoever!

Dick, The Bartender : You can change a lot of your situation, you know.

Vagaynti : We can? Tell us, how, how!

Vageena : Yes, what is it that we should do, Dick? We are all, what shall I say, ears?

Dick, The Bartender :  I am too shy to say, but have you heard of 18-Again?

Vagaynti : The Zac Efron – Chandler Bing movie?

Dick, The Bartender : No, no, ladies. It is…errr….perhaps too intimate a thing for me to talk about. Let’s just say, it is a cream that “tightens” your skin and make everything “virginal” again. Use it and watch your Jimmy Johnson fire up for you again!

Vageena : Oh, really? Because that’s exactly what I want!

Dick, The Bartender : Yes, isn’t it great that some men out there are looking out for what you ladies need? Here, let me scribble the brand name for you on this. There, take this – hold on to this tissue. This tissue is all you need. Find out more about it at home.

Vagaynti : You can be sure we will. This is such great news! I could get busy as a beaver with this information!

Dick, The Bartender : Glad I could help!

Vagaynti : Bless the folks at 18-Again! They know exactly what the women of today need!

Vageena : This will have me purring as a pussy. I am already on cloud 9!

Vagaynti : Any more sage advice?

Dick, The Bartender : That’s it from me, ladies. Take charge of your lives! Be the rulers of your own destiny!

Vagaynti : We sure will, Dick! You know what, you are a genius! You are practically all brain! If every man had a Dick like you as their bartender, I tell you, the world would be a different place!

Vageena : I know! I wish every man let their Dick do the thinking.

Dick, The Bartender : Oh, thank you, Ladies, you are too kind!

Vageena : I feel really good now.

Vagaynti : Me, too!

Vageena : What do you say, should we get out of here? We need to check out more on this, don’t we?

Vagaynti : Sounds like a plan!

Vageena : Thanks, Dick. Here, keep the change.

Dick, The Bartender : Pleasure, ladies. Do come again.

Vagaynti : Oh, we will!

 

Exit the Bar. The Vaginas now wait for a cab outside.

Vageena : What a tool, that man!

Vagaynti : So, are you thinking what I am thinking? Did you grab the tissue?

Vageena : Of course!

Vagaynti : You remember the last product you gave me? I feel that Clean and Dry Intimate Wash has made me 6 shades lighter already! I can’t stop staring at myself in the mirror!

Vageena : Good on you! So, what is this one called again?

Vagaynti : 18-Again Vaginal Tightening Gel. Interesting. Heck, no harm in trying that, is there! Sounds like botox!

Vageena : I know, right?

Vagaynti : Ok, here comes a cab. Can you drop me home?

Vageena : Yes, sure, just have to make a quick stop at the drug store. I need to buy some batteries.

Vagaynti : Me, too!

Vageena : BOB’s been running tired lately.

Vagaynti : Is that what we are calling our Battery Operated Boyfriends these days?

Vageena : We sure are! Now hurry, I can’t keep BOB waiting for long, can I?

Vagaynti : Of course not!