Tag Archives: Fake News

The Top 7 Fake News We Would Love To See Come True!

Want Red Beacon Light? Go Through Potency Test First

September 4, 2013 : New Delhi 

In an effort to control the ubiquitous menace of red beacon lights on vehicles, the Supreme Court today ruled that all public officials desiring one will now be required to take a Potency Test first. The court felt that the gross inconvenience involved in going through the test might serve as a deterrent for most aspirants.

This is a file photo. It was not taken during the Potency Test.

This is a file photo. It was not taken during the Potency Test.

It may be recalled that the Potency Test was recently in the news in the Asaram Bapu case.

According to one of the doctors directly involved in handling Asaram Bapu’s surprisingly sprightly genitals, the potency test requires “one to cause stimulation of private parts through manual movements.”

The court did not elaborate whether the official will need to pass the test in order to obtain the red beacon light. However, the results of all Potency Tests conducted for this purpose will be available to the public under RTI. The court is still mulling whether video filming the test as part of record-keeping should be made mandatory.

 

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Sachin Tendulkar To Make Bollywood Debut As Amitabh Bachchan’s Son

March 11, 2015 : Mumbai

The question about Sachin Tendulkar’s next career move since he retired from all forms of cricket has been answered. Agencies report that the ex-cricketer has signed his first Hindi film under the Yash Raj Films banner. The film will also star Amitabh Bachchan and Shah Rukh Khan in key roles.

According to sources, the script has been penned by Aditya Chopra. The original version had Amitabh Bachchan playing a father of twin sons – both sons to be played by Shah Rukh Khan. But with the new casting coup, extensive script changes may need to be made since it is unlikely that the audience will accept Shah Rukh and Sachin as brothers, let alone twins, and Amitabh Bachchan’s sons at that. Sources suggest that Sachin’s character may now be shown as an adopted son.

“Dubbing over Sachin’s original sweet voice by someone more manly is out of the question,” explained an insider close to the project on condition of anonymity.

Reportedly, the original idea of having Deepika Padukone as the leading lady of Sachin’s character has also been shelved.

 

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2014 Lok Sabha Elections To Be Decided Through Reality Show ‘Rakhi Ka Swayamvar’

July 14, 2014 : New Delhi

Given the stalemate produced by the latest Lok Sabha elections where neither the UPA nor the NDA are in a position to form the government, President Pranab Mukherji has decided that the two bachelor Prime Ministerial candidates, Narendra Modi and Rahul Gandhi, will have to face-off in the new season of the popular reality TV show ‘Rakhi Ka Swayamvar’.

Pick me, Rakhiji, pick me!

Pick me, Rakhiji, pick me!

Thees bhill bhee like keelling two stones bheeth hwan bard,” the President declared in his address to the nation last night, carried live by Doordarshan and Zee Bangla.

Loyal viewers of the reality TV show explained that the show involves two bachelors slugging it out to win the affections of Rakhi Sawant as she lines up impossible amorous tasks for them, for example, writing poetry about her beauty, plucking stars from the sky etc. The program’s producers insist that they will stick to the winning formula despite the two high profile participants.

“Not only will the winning bachelor claim the hand of Rakhi Sawant, which already would be the biggest jackpot of their lives, he will also win the Prime Ministership,” explained Ronnie Screwvala, the head of UTV, the studio that produces the show.

“I think it is a win-win for everyone,” said Smriti Irani, the most articulate BJP leader of all time, when asked for her comment. Sonia Gandhi, Chairperson of the UPA, declined to comment.

 

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The RBI Forays Into Toilet Paper Business

September 4, 2013 : New Delhi

With its vast supply of printed Rupees not likely to find any takers for the forseeable future, the Government of India today decided to convert all its currency notes into toilet paper rolls. The decision was taken unanimously by the members of the Planning Commission and the Reserve Bank of India. The project will be executed by the RBI.

Speaking to reporters after the marathon meeting, Montek Singh Ahluwalia, the Planning Commission Chairman said, “We use the best quality paper for our notes. It seemed criminal to waste them.”

Mr Ahluwalia seemed mortified at questions related to the availability of the Rupee Toilet Rolls to the Indian consumer. “This is for export only. We will earn precious foreign exchange in return for our worthless paper,” he said.

“Besides, 65% of the country doesn’t even have any toilet access. So what is the point in focusing on the Indian market?” he asked.

 

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The Times Of India Becomes The World’s First Ads-Only Newspaper

October 2, 2013 : New Delhi

In a step that was long overdue, Bennet, Coleman & Co. Ltd announced that their flagship brand ‘The Times Of India’ would henceforth be an ads-only newspaper. All 96-pages of India’s leading daily will carry only advertisements, no news.

“Our readers won’t even notice any difference. As you know, we already stopped printing news years ago,” stated Mr Jug Suraiya, Associate Editor of the newspaper.

Understandably, the staff at The Times is very proud to be the world’s first newspaper to have declared itself news-free.

 

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Tech Buzz : Facebook To Start Paying Its More Loyal Users?

September 4, 2013 : Palo Alto

The technology world is abuzz with rumours of an impending statement by Mark Zuckerberg, the Chief Executive of Facebook, where he will announce the roll out of a bonus payment plan aimed at the most loyal users of Facebook. According to insider sources, Facebook Inc. is so flush with funds that it will pay out US$ 1.00 to every loyal user for each ‘like’ the person clicks. That amount is expected to go up to US$ 5.00 for every comment typed.

Birthday greeting messages, however, will not be encashable.

A ‘Loyal User’ has been described as anyone who sends out at least 10 Facebook Friend requests daily. Alternatively, if you spend all your waking hours refreshing the notification button, you may also qualify as a ‘Loyal User’.

It is already well known that Facebook pays US$ 1.00 for every ‘like’ or ‘share’ of photos of sick or deformed children that most Facebook users observe on their Timelines all the time. It is estimated that close to 6 billion such lucky children have already been cured, thanks to the philanthropic activities of Facebook.

However, critics of the new rumoured policy have already started complaining. “Who does he think he is? Bill Gates? I hope he goes to Africa and dies of Malaria,” said one of the Winklevoss twins when contacted. It was virtually impossible to tell which one of the twins that was.

 

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Alok Nath To Limit His TV Appearances

September 4, 2013 : Mumbai

There was widespread panic in the Indian Television world today when veteran actor Alok Nath, simply known as Baba in all the serials he has ever acted in, announced that he was going to limit his TV appearances to only 50 serials at a time. Baba currently stars in all 148 serials aired across all TV channels in India, including many in regional languages.

Mujhe maaf kar do, Beta

Mujhe maaf kar do, Beta

“He can’t do this! I have 24 serials that will get affected by his arbitrary policy,” complained Ekta Kapoor, owner of Balaji Telefilms.

“But, Beta, where is the time to do so many serials?” Baba asked this reporter in his characteristic voice, furrowed forehead and I-am-just-about-to-cry expression. “Besides, I have also been offered Suraj Barjatiya’s next film in which I play the head of a joint family. I play Prem, I mean, Salman Khan’s father, and Reema Lagoo’s husband in the new film,” he added happily.

At the time of going to print, the TV industry and Baba were still discussing an amicable solution to this deadlock.

 

 

 

I am taking part in The Write Tribe Festival of Words 1st – 7th September 2013. The theme is SEVEN. This post features seven made-up news stories. Fake, sure, but millions of people pray and fast each day hoping that they will come true. 

Samsung Galaxy S4 Or Apple iPhone 6? The Real Scoop!

The ONLY Technical Review You Will Ever Need! 

 

Nerd Orgasm Alert!

Well, this week, Samsung launched their brand new flagship smartphone called Galaxy Ass-4. I know what you are thinking – ‘Galaxy Ass-4…hmmm…haven’t I heard that name before? Wasn’t that the name of one of the final frontiers ventured to by no man except Captain James T. Kirk (with reliable sidekicks Spock and Bones McCoy), who

Wowsa!

Wowsa!

discovered, much to his unbridled delight, that most extra-terrestrials out there look exactly like the curvy, buxom and blonde earthwomen of the 1960s?’ Yes, possibly, and we will discuss those mysterious ETs some other time. This post, however, is about the new smartphones which have so many features that they could fly the A-380 without human intervention. The feature list of the Galaxy Ass-4, for example, is mindboggling – it can cure your cancer, park your car, get you a hot date, give you a mani-pedi etc etc. – all you have to do as a user is launch an app and wave some gestures at it. Yes, quite like Harry Potter, but with a phone instead of a wand.

Now, I have been a loyal iPhone supporter for many years so I was getting very concerned that the Satan’s Own Fruit company was losing its skills of putting together the world’s most perfect 4 inch strudel. Until I read the feature list planned for iPhone-Sex, that is! I tell you, THIS IS GOING TO BE THE PERFECT SMARTPHONE. Sure, it does all that the Samsung can do (points that I have enumerated above) – plus, it can compose bhajans, correctly count the number of stars in the sky, iron your clothes etc. AND, you have got to look at the HUMAN features they are adding to it!

Read on, this is the new iPhone-Sex feature list that was recently smuggled out of a Chinese sweatshop by the Dalai Lama himself.

 

Ass Shaky Shaky Shaky : Now, here is a gesture to make an unequivocal declaration to the caller on the other side of what a pathetic runt he/she is, and that you are done having that miserable piece of shit in your life. This feature can be used in both personal and professional settings, but it is the latter that will give you the biggest bang for your buck.

To use this gesture, during the call with the said caller, simply point the phone screen to your buttocal area, pull your knickers/drawers down, and wriggle your ass firmly and repeatedly till your phone responds with a beep. The beep confirms that the phone has automatically wiped off all traces of the said asshole from your life. The great thing is that the phone doesn’t even ask for a confirmation!

Notes : The gesture works well on voice calls, Facebook messaging and SMS. And it works incredibly well on video calls.

 

Armpit-O-Meter : This is basically an Odourmeter in your phone that has been calibrated to calculate how close you  can safely get to smelly fellow passengers travelling in overcrowded public transport without loss of consciousness. The results are displayed on a scale that runs from 0 to 10, where the higher the number, the safer it is. For example, a flashing ‘10’ means that you can practically put your nose under the fellow traveller’s armpit and take deep breaths. A ‘5’ means that you might want to seriously consider waiting for the next train/bus/metro. ‘Can it get worse than 5?’, you wonder. Of course, a ‘ZERO’ would mean that it is time you started looking for career opportunities in another city (or country, preferably) – you are absolutely unlikely to survive any public transport travel in this location.

To use this gesture, point the phone for 5 seconds towards the crummiest looking passenger (or whoever you wish to) in the transport vehicle you are about to step into. Observe reading. Take action as proposed above.

Known issues : If the scale shows a negative number, especially while being used in a Mumbai Local, or anywhere near Najafgarh in Delhi, please don’t be alarmed that your phone has conked off. The reading is correct.

 

The Rapunzel Low Hanger Gesture : This is a cutesy name given by the Apple developers to the gesture that alerts you when it is time to consider a hair trim. After all, there is nothing worse for the 21st century  smartphone user than to see his/her cockiness pulverize into ridicule. Thanks to this gesture (which works in conjunction with the Rapunzel App), your wayward follicles can now be kept in check. On using this gesture, the phone screen will turn Green – for Glory, or Red – for Ruin, allowing the user to take appropriate action and, resultantly, chart the destiny they so desire.

To use this gesture, launch the Rapunzel app and bring the phone, face forward, to approximately 3 inches from your nose. Twitch your nose repeatedly at the screen for around 5 seconds. Stop, and observe the colour of the screen. If Red, the upper bezel of the phone automatically converts into a sharp blade and may be used as a hair trimmer.

Note : This is not a toy. Please take suitable precautions when using your phone as a hair trimmer. And, under no circumstances, may the blade be used as a pencil sharpener or on your wrist.

Additional Notes : PLEASE, this gesture is meant to ascertain the civility of the length in your NOSE HAIR ONLY. Do not use on any other parts of the body, you fucking idiot! Other people (family/friends) sometimes need to touch that same bloody phone!

 

 

Ready to kick ass!

Ready to kick ass!

The How-Loud?TM Gesture : This revolutionary idea is going to save new relationships until overt farting (as opposed to the clandestine, noiseless ones – those are more-or-less ok) becomes as socially acceptable as, say, fishing or groinal scratching or even listening to Justin Bieber past 14 years of age. The 21st century smartphone user often worries about – ‘How soon in a relationship is it ok for me to let it rip in front of my boyfriend?’ or, more importantly – ‘Oh fuck, did she hear that? Please God, please let her not have heard that! Shit!’ Well, with The How-Loud?TM gesture, the worrier can breathe easy. This App + Gesture combo gives you a full report on How-Loud?TM you can get and at what distance because, let’s face it, your body is going to let you down at the worst possible moment.

To use this gesture, launch the How-Loud?TM app. Once open, male users (seeking female companionship), must place the phone by the dresser-mirror and walk 5 feet away. Female users (seeking male companionship) need to place the phone on the couch that faces the TV-Gaming console, and walk away the same distance (5 feet). From this distance, the user releases around 10-15 farts, making sure to ‘mix it up’ by modulating their length and sound frequency. Based on the data provided, the phone will automatically produce a detailed report, giving the user precise information on which ‘types’ of farts are safe and from what distance may they be expended.

Note : This data is 100% reliable. Based on trials, it has been observed that almost all users are shocked by the findings. Most farts, inadvisedly considered by them to be surreptitious, are oh not so quiet after all. People are quite foolish that they think they can ‘get away with it’.

 

After reading this, it is clear that the iPhone-Sex is worth waiting for. Move over, Samsung Galaxy Ass-4, you are already obsolete. I don’t know about you but I am already planning to rob the ATM next door to arrange for the needed monies (because I need many, many ‘money’ to afford this). I think I can take that skinny guard if I just spend a few more hours at the gym.

 

(All images have been stolen from the internet – aided and abetted by Google)

 

Ta Ta To You!

Ta Ta, everyone!

 

New Delhi : October 2 : On the occasion of Gandhi Diwas, the Government of India officially notified its final, and thus, most historic law ever. Addressing the nation from the ramparts of the imposing Red Fort, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, in the presence of political leaders of all backgrounds, announced the disbandment of the entire political machinery of India.

“I am a man of few words. And the only word today is Ta-Ta,” said Mr. Singh, the now ex-Prime Minister of India. His statement was met with a standing ovation from all present. Many politicians were seen dabbing their moist eyes, including Rabri Devi and Sheila Dixit, two popular ex-Chief Ministers. “These are tears of joy,” Mrs. Dixit quickly clarified.

Added L.K.Advani, leader of the erstwhile opposition, ”Think of today as India’s new Independence Day. Long years ago, on August 15, 1947 to be precise, we made a tryst with destiny, and now the time comes when we shall break our pledge. At the stroke of the midday hour, as the employees of our government offices sleep, India will re-awake to life and freedom. 65 years of fruitlessly attempting to run this country, we have finally concluded that India is ungovernable and we, the leaders, are unfit to lead it. The Proud People of India, the time has come for you to go your way, and we to go ours.”

Fireworks went off at Tihar Jail soon after the ex-Prime Minister’s announcement, with ex-ministers Suresh Kalmadi and A. Raja leading the celebrations inside the jail premises. All resident politicians participated in the festivities.

Sexy Bhai!

According to the latest NDTV-Nielsen-TNS-Outlook-Hindustan Times-ABP opinion poll (based on 50,000 respondents), 89.77 percent of the population supported the transition of the nation from a democratic federal republic to basically a nation without a political system. The remaining 10% interviewed wanted the current political organization to continue. Interestingly, this number comprised entirely of respondents from Gujarat, where Narendra Modi was Chief Minister until yesterday. Mr. Modi is expected to announce the opening of his own high-end men’s fashion label later this week (‘From Le Modi to La Moda’– see story on Page 14). The uber-stylish sex symbol ex-politician is expected to cash in on his half-sleeved suits and much copied bearded look which have been all the rage recently.

The immediate impact of yesterday’s decision was felt at the petrol pumps across the country. With subsidies gone, the prices of all fuels zoomed to Rs.100 per litre, to match international oil prices. LPG cylinders are expected to cost Rs.1000. However, this did not appear to concern the average person on the street who seemed jubilant at the exit of the political class. “Who cares about cooking anyway? We can always order pizza from Dominos,” said Asha Kiran, a reveler at Chowpatty beach who had come to watch the ex-Prime Minister’s address on the giant screens installed there.

“I am just happy that I won’t need a driving license anymore!” said Tanvi Mohan, a 17-year old student in Bangalore. She had a driving test scheduled for next week, which now stands cancelled as the Bangalore RTO shut shop.

Major changes are expected to take place with government owned immovable property. The Parliament House will be converted into a convention centre, something that the city of Delhi sorely lacked until now. The Times Group announced today that Sansad Bhawan had already been booked for the 2013 Femina Miss India and Filmfare Awards ceremonies to be held early next year. The organizers of Zee Cine Awards are also expected to announce similar plans shortly.

The future Connaught Place Wal Mart?

Meanwhile, Wal Mart has expressed its intention to take over Rashtrapati Bhawan. “It is exactly what we need – very large real estate in the heart of the city,” said Sam Mehta, CEO of Wal Mart India. “We will sell everything from underwear and baby diapers to utensils, and laundry detergent and drain cleaners to frozen potato smileys – all at very low prices right from this building. There is ample parking space in front. We believe that FDI in retail was the best among the last decisions taken by the government,” he added.Similar plans are afoot in several state capitals as well, including the Mantralaya in Bombay. (Mumbai renamed Bombay, Thackerays say ‘whatevs!’ – see story on Page 4)

Daily commuting across the country is expected to get much easier for people who rely on cabs. The erstwhile government’s fleet of 650,000 Ambassador cars will be installed with fare meters and launched as taxis. Since these cars are bulletproof, there is bound to be a very positive effect on the law and order situation as well.

Practice makes perfect. The Yadav family trying out Swiss traditions.

Interestingly, the dissolution of the political system in India has created a prodigious bounty for the Government of Switzerland. Since most politicians have succeeded in obtaining Swiss immigration in the past few weeks, all Swiss Air flights from Delhi to Zurich are solidly overbooked for the next several months. Last evening, in Lucknow, the father-son duo of Mulayam Singh Yadav and Akhilesh Yadav were seen practicing the famous Alphorn outside their residence. “We want to seamlessly blend-in in among our new people,” trumpeted the senior Yadav between his practice sessions. Sharad Pawar and Jayalalitha are already considered to be the leading male and female yodelers in India, a skill that is expected to come in very handy in their new country.

Not everyone is happy with the travel plans of our erstwhile political masters. “I wanted to add a new song to my film Jab Tak Hai Jaan among the Swiss tulips, but there are just no flights,” rued Yash Chopra, film director and the first Indian ever to have set foot in Switzerland.

Among the first politicians to be leaving the country is West Bengal ex-Chief Minister Mamata Banerji. She is taking over as Global Public Relations Officer at a prestigious social network company based at Menlo Park, California. Speaking to tens of fans who had come to see her off at Kolkata airport last evening, she urged the nation to “keep in touch” with her on Facebook. She vowed to bring about people-friendly changes using her new powers. “We are with the people. Even we don’t like Timeline. We will fight against it,” she said.

It has been reported that in village Ralegan Siddhi, India Against Corruption activist Arvind Kejriwal viciously attacked the ex-Prime Minister alleging that the latest law was personally designed to prevent him from participating in the 2014 elections. “These morally bankrupt scum of the earth were scared of me,” he told a part time reporter from a local Marathi newspaper who was in the village visiting his ailing aunt.

The dissolution of the government is having a major impact on the nation’s media scene. All news channels ceased broadcast for good immediately after Mr. Singh’s speech since there was nothing more left to argue or discuss. The nation’s leading daily, The Times of India, will relaunch itself tomorrow as an entertainment daily. “We expect the change to be seamless. Our readers won’t notice anything different from what they have been used to,” clarified Jaideep Bose, Editor-in-Chief at the newspaper.

Bollywood, except filmmaker Prakash Jha, who specializes in making political dramas, has also welcomed the government’s announcement. With the Censor Board now defunct, directors like Mahesh Bhatt can be expected to bring to Indian audiences even more cutting-edge foreign storylines and bountiful talent. Readers may recall that his last imports, Jism 2 and Sunny Leone were lasciviously lapped up by moviegoers.

Meanwhile, Rajghat wore a desolate look today due to the new political changes. No politician appeared on site to pay the otherwise customary annual homage to the Father of the Nation. Only a single family of four was spotted entering the complex until 5 pm today. When asked if they were there to pay their tributes to the Mahatma, Santosh Sharma, the head of the family laughed and said, “No, no, we are here because we found parking. It’s a nightmare out there. All the malls and parks were so crowded today.”

Peace Out!

The Brilliance Of A Better Tomorrow : A News Report From The Future

This post is my submission for the Surf Excel Matic #SoakNoMore contest on Indiblogger. Surf Excel Matic : Remove tough stains in the machine without soaking!

September 10, 2013 : New Delhi : Details are fast emerging today of a massive scandal that has left India awash with shock and awe. While past scandals have soaked the disaffected nation in distrust and instability, this new one appears to have had remarkably positive repercussions. Media analysts are calling it Surfgate, named after the brand Surf Excel Matic whose extraordinary tactics have caused the overwhelming difference that has come about to our lives recently.

People from all walks of life have sensed a massive change for the better in the way the country is being run today. There is general consensus that this shift started six months ago – about the same time that Surf Excel Matic-sponsored public pool parties started getting organized all across the country. These special parties were arranged in VVIP areas in the national and state capitals, and people from many backgrounds, but mainly politicians, bureaucrats, corporate and civil society leaders and others in important public positions, were invited to attend. Elaborate food and entertainment provisions were made, leading to the attendees to unanimously sing paeans about the arrangements and about the enjoyment they were having. The piece-de-resistance at these shindigs was, obviously, always the glorious pool itself (these being pool parties, after all), and people of various shapes, sizes, gender, hues and hirsuteness were seen dunking themselves in the inviting waters amidst all the eating, drinking and socializing.

Now, here is the remarkable part. All those who have attended these pool parties have claimed to be feeling fresher, lighter, freer and amiable, and consequently, more empathetic, accessible, accountable, responsible and earnest. But, perhaps more than anything else, they have felt 100% clean, untainted and incorruptible.

The reason for this change in mood, attitude and behaviour had been unclear. Until today, that is. Our investigative journalists have unearthed a massive plot by the most distinguished detergent brand in the country – Surf Excel Matic – behind this extraordinary transformation of our ruling class.

It has now been confirmed that, unbeknownst to all, the organizers of these parties have been lacing their pool waters with Surf Excel Matic! Owing to new Surf Excel Matic’s mighty vibrating molecules that, despite no soaking, penetrate deep into embedded dirt and stains and remove them effectively, the effect on our country’s squalid powers-that-be has been nothing short of miraculous. As more and more such folks unknowingly took dips in these pools, deep-seated impurities, grime, muck, filth and other forms of illicitness were pulled out of their minds and bodies like magic, leaving them cleaner, and therefore, better human beings.

A half-year on since these Surfgate parties started, and the country is practically unrecognizable. The shocking results are there for everyone to see. The latest national statistics released this morning show that the GDP for the last quarter was 11.5%, the highest in the world. The Rupee is now trading at 42 to a dollar, the strongest in a decade, leading to lower food and fuel prices and inflation. The Parliament is functioning with amazing smoothness, and important bills are being passed with intelligent debate and magnanimous consensus. When asked in a recent interview, Lok Sabha Speaker Meira Kumar couldn’t remember the last time she had to say, “Shaant ho jayiye. Baith jaiye”, in Parliament. A bunch of TV news channels have had to shut down because there is no more room for bellicose debate and rancour to be covered. Corruption has virtually vanished. The latest Time magazine issue features India on its cover with the headline – “India : The Giant Rises. Can anything stop it now?”

The average Indian appears delighted at the changes. The banishment of corruption and all forms of impropriety have expectedly restored his faith in the country and its establishments. A couple of catchphrases that have become very popular among the citizenry are –

How to save yourself from Corruption ridicule?

Make friends with a Vibrating Molecule!

…and…

Black Money looking scared and running frantic

Look out, it’s being chased by Surf Excel Matic

 

Interestingly, despite the revolutionary nation-building side-effects of Surf Excel Matic, its original benefit of providing a brilliant machine-wash without soaking has not gone unnoticed. Most people seemed thrilled with the quality of washing. “I can’t even begin to tell you how much time I can save during the day now. Clothes have to soak no more, they go straight to the washing cycle! No stains, just a brilliant clean!” said Malini Dey, a senior corporate executive with a multi-national in Kolkata and a mother of two. However, despite the universally acknowledged benefits, there were still a few disgruntled people that our team ran into. S. Susheela, a housewife in Chennai, told our reporter, ”All those compliments of – Is that a new saree? – even when what I am wearing is a 6-year old one, are all gone. There was a time when I was the only one who used Surf Excel Matic. Now everyone is using it, and everyone seems to be wearing old clothes that look brand new. It’s disgusting!” Clearly, it is difficult to please everyone.

So, where does that leave the perpetrators of the Surfgate scandal itself? Consensus is building across the country that despite the clandestine nature of the act, the contribution of Surf Excel Matic in effectively cleansing the moral fabric of the nation cannot be ignored. Add to that, the speed with which this ‘wash’ was accomplished, where not a minute was lost in soaking the citizenry in useless and long winded sermons and platitudes, and Surf Excel Matic’s act becomes beyond invaluable.

The Surfgate matter is expected to be presented in front of the Supreme Court shortly. A complete absolution is expected imminently. This will be one scandal with an ‘Excel’lent ending!