Tag Archives: Apple

Why India Needs Steve Jobs – Part II

 

To recount the story so far (read Part – I of this essay here), Steve Jobs started his remarkable professional life by forming his new company Apple over a bowl of Dilli Fruit Chat in Old Delhi. The company was construed as an innovative technology giant for the advanced world (basically everything west of Iraq, east of North Korea, and south of Burma). For the rest, meaning the remaining 3/4th of humanity, Apple was going to be a political consulting firm. Its aim was to make proudly-poor countries like India strong enough to be able to buy the iProducts that Jobs was going to unleash in the next decade or two.

That was the beginning of Jobs’ association with the Bharatiya Janata Party.

Ab, aagey…

 

The Bharatiya Janata Party seemed like the only existing viable alternative to the monolithic dynastic rule of the Nehru-Gandhi family and its personal fiefdom, the Congress party. The Great Chanakya (or was it Voltaire?) had once said that the progress of a nation can be judged by the way it deals with the three realities of life – Death, Taxes, and Bowel Movement. In India, Life was still very cheap and Taxes way too high. Moreover, even after decades of rule, if more than three-quarters of the population still did not have any toilet access, and those who did still could not aim straight into the bowl, there was a clear case to be made for new leadership and fresh thinking. The Bharatiya Janata Party had leaders who were like a breath of fresh Hindi Heartland air – for starters, they were resolute nationalists and wore their patriotism on their sleeve (and also in the form of dhotis, kurtas or very, very loose shorts). Everyone in the Bharatiya Janata Party liked to make fiery speeches, and they all made them well. The Bharatiya Janata Party’s favourite colour was Saffron (so soothing!) and its favourite flower was the Lotus, naturally making the popular Lotus Root (or Kamal Kakdi in Hindi) their favourite vegetable. The Bharatiya Janata Party had everything going for them, including a name that was unpronounceable to only those who did not have an MA in Hindi or Sanskrit.

‘Why don’t you simply call yourself the BJP?’ Jobs had once guided Atal Bihari Vajpayee who had scoffed at the silly, though simple, suggestion. ‘You know, like the AIADMK?’

Hmpf,’ Atalji had declared, ‘if anything, we will call ourselves the Bhaa-Ja-Paa.’

‘Ok, well, suit yourself then. As long as it is simple. I love simplicity,’ was all Jobs had said.

Steve Jobs’s first successful product was designed keeping in mind India’s natural affinity to Sound and Fury. After all, nothing draws more attention in this country than something loud and blaring. So, to drown out the Congress completely, the Bhaa-Ja-Paa needed a human Boom Box – something that only spoke at levels 120 Decibels and higher. It was not important what sound came out of it, as long as it sounded like Heavy Metal and made you want to turn into a rebel without a cause. Thus was born the iPod, more popularly known in India as LK Advani. You could store a million sounds in it. The casing was strong and unbreakable, causing many to visualize a Loh Purush in its design language. But, perhaps, the most ingenious element about LK Advani was the Wheel – a round contraption that allowed control to be swung any which way the wind blew. The Hindi word for Wheel was the Rath and the iPod could yatra far and wide on it, winning hearts and minds, or causing mayhem and destruction, whatever was the political flavor of the day.

Calamity struck in 1992 when the iPod and its Wheel led to the annihilation of Babri Masjid, causing deep consternation in Steve Jobs mind. It was time to cut LK Advani down in size – and Jobs continued to do that relentlessly as he reduced the size of the iPod in avatar after avatar – from the Loh Purush iPod to the iPod Mini, iPod Micro, iPod Nano, and so on.

With the iPod experiment proving to be such a colossal disaster, Jobs realized that for the Bhaa-Ja-Paa to prosper, it needed to be calmer, inclusive, conversational. It needed to be seen as non-confrontational and reflective. It needed to be everything to everybody. Something that everyone would want to call their own. Like a mini-computer that you could talk into, or read poetic prose or witty anecdotes from. High in conservative intellect, yet progressive, dependable. Childlike, yet iconic. Like the iAtal Behari Vajpayee, later shortened to simply the iPhone.

Just like last time, Jobs had another massive hit on his hands. The iPhone ruled the hearts and minds of the country for a solid five years. It survived deep underground nuclear tests just as well it did falls from lofty heights such as the mountains of Kargil. Everyone was happy – it made them feel all glittery. ‘iNdia Shining’ was a slogan that best captured the mood of the population at the time.

However, all good things eventually come to an end. Over time, the iPhone started giving trouble. It would frequently be caught napping in public. Sometimes its speed in responding to your question or command would be so slow that you would subconsciously check if it still had a pulse. Clearly, iAtal Behari Vajpayee was approaching the end of its innovation life-cycle and no iOS update was going to be able to fix that.

Jobs was slow to recognize the massive gap in his product line as the iAtal failed. India paid a huge price for Jobs’ shortsightedness. Bhaa-Ja-Paa was swept aside by the nation by a mere push of a button and an inkspot on their forefinger.

Many worried about the future of the Bhaa-Ja-Paa, including its chief political strategist. But just as we were fast losing hope, mortified that the Italian Queen and her Dimpled Prince were going to run the country until the evening of your grandchild’s Ladies Sangeet, Jobs rolled out the latest proverbial rabbit out of his remarkably brimming digital fedora. He knew that the country was again craving for dependability and solid performance, but not of the monotone variety of the 1990s and the 2000s. The iPhone needed to come back, but it needed to project something brash. Something colorful. Something glitzy. Something that encapsulated the predictable-precision of perfection, but with a lot more pizazz. So Jobs readied the iPhone’s new avatar – the Narendra iModi, also known as the iPhone 5C. The heart of the new device was the same as the tried and tested chip of the old block, but this one came in bright colours – like neon saffron and neon green. And with exciting covers too, one could change them as often as one wanted – much like different types of headgear. The only thing that wasn’t compatible with the iPhone 5C was the Muslim Skull Cap.

Even though the new iModi is expected to go far, converting millions into new fans in the next few months, there remain skeptics who worry about its high price – which, they say, may eventually prove to be catastrophic for our secular democracy in the long run. Still, interest on Social Media remains especially strong partly owing to the new product’s brand new iOS – a less complicated, almost friendly user interface than before, with fresher styling, like its starched half-sleeved kurtas.

The Bhaa-Ja-Paa has staked its entire future on its succeeds.

Sadly, though, the new iPhone 5C is the last of Jobs’ contributions to Bhaa-Ja-Paa, or India, really, leaving many of us deeply disturbed and anguished. You see, we are worried because if this latest experiment fails, there is no more Steve Jobs to save our nation.

Steve Jobs, Bharat Ratna winner. (Image shamelessly pilfered from the internet)

Steve Jobs at his Bharat Ratna award distribution ceremony.
(Image shamelessly pilfered from the internet)

 

Why India Needs Steve Jobs – Part I

As usual, I have ended up writing a monstrously long blog post. But this time I am going to play it sensible. In order to get more eyeballs, I have split the essay into two. Here is Part I. I will release Part II in a couple of days but only if more than 3 people read this one.

 

The world was humming along nicely until one day, sadly, Steve Jobs, died. May God rest his soul.

Now, there have been plenty of eulogies written and scores of paeans sung for him around the world, but the real Steve Jobs still continues to be quite an enigma to many in India. You see, Indians judge a foreigner’s importance through our simple unitary assessment parameter, which is – What does the person think about us. If their impression about India is positive, like with Clinton, Ahmedinejad and Brett Lee, we love the person back unreservedly by, say, naming food dishes after him, or buying their crude oil despite the world’s sniggers, or offering them Horlicks sponsorship deals etc. If not, as in the case of Naipaul and Rushdie, we fucking don’t care – in fact we don’t even consider such people worthy of being called foreigners. Bloody half-twit wannabes they are – who are they to judge us anyway? Don’t they know that our great civilization has existed for 500000 years, that’s almost 5 years longer than the distant second-placed Chinese? Have they not seen pictures of the Taj? And had India not invented the Zero, well, it would have been curtains for the Lunar Module trying to find its way back to Houston, and then there r-e-a-l-l-y would have been a problem. And don’t even get me started on Slumdog Millionaire. ‘Heartfelt Ode to India’ my ass. Lies, all of it! You produce in front of me one person in this country who pronounces the word ‘millionaire’ as ‘Mill-A-Nair’ and I promise you that I will name my next baby boy as Oscar.

Anyway, I think I might be digressing a trifle, so let me get back to my subject. Steve Jobs. Sadly, there has always been much trepidation here about where to peg Jobs’ greatness at since little is known about the time he spent in Manoj Kumar’s favourite country. The only stories one hears of Jobs’ visit are the half-truths about the trip he made to Benaras, where he spent all his days fighting chikungunia and malaria instead of doing what young American backpackers really come to the holy city to do. That being, to learn yoga, smoke hashish, research the correct way to tie the langoti, smoke hashish, learn to pronounce ‘Oum’, train on how to use a lota instead of toilet paper, and to smoke hashish.

The fact is, India to Steve Jobs was way more than a mere survival guide in the absence of Laal and Kaala Hit, or the presence of diarrhea. It is so sad that everyone’s totally missed Jobs’ sublime India connection. There was none of it mentioned even in his recent biopic featuring Ashton Kutcher in and as ‘Jobs’ – the actor prudently chosen to play the World Best Innovator based on his only previous acting stint as the dimwitted Kelso in ‘Friends’.

Truth be told, Jobs was a genius for he had found the formula to not only conquer the western worlds of America and Europe by unleashing iNnovative products there, he was also going to stamp his greatness on proudly-penniless countries like India. No, not by selling his electronics here through EMI and Exchange offers, you fool! No, that vile sales ploy was best left to the Koreans. Jobs was going to be relevant here by being a political consultant.

To know more about that, one must dive deeper into the truth about the founding of Apple. Did you know that the initial idea of that company came to him while watching Salma Sultana on Doordar-sham?

So, decades ago, Steve Jobs was sitting and munching Dilli Fruit Chat in his half-star hotel room in Pahar Ganj in Old Delhi. The chat had been liberally sprinkled with delicious MDH Chunky Chat Masala (yes, this is a sponsored product placement, but the emotional sentiments described about it are my own) and it distinctively brought out the subtle flavor of apple from the fruity mélange. (Lo, and behold, Jobs had a corporate brand name!) As he sat and watched the sullen-faced, single-rose bedecked newsreader half-mumble every single word she spoke amidst visuals of Indira Gandhi and Sanjay Gandhi cutting ribbons, lighting lamps and making speeches, he knew that our nation needed help. ‘One day, I will create something which I will call the iPad Mini…and by God, every upper-middle class teenager in this country shall own one!’ he prophesized. ‘But hell, not if they go on like this. This country’s in the shitter right now!

So, Jobs knew what he needed to do. Apple, his new company construed over a bowl of Dilli Fruit Chat, needed to not just be a technology giant. It also needed to be a Political Consulting Company that would make a country like India strong enough to be able to buy those iPad Minis that he knew he was going to produce in China one day. Jobs was already aware of the profoundness of the entity he had just conceptualized, and the indomitable excitement of the moment simply caused him to eat way too much chat that evening. (And that led to diarrhea and all that other mess that happened in Benaras later – you already know about all that.)

And that, my friends, was the beginning of Steve Jobs association with the Bharatiya Janata Party.

Steve Jobs at an Indian Fancy Dress party (Image shamelessly pilfered from the internet)

Steve Jobs at an Indian Fancy Dress party
(Image shamelessly pilfered from the internet)

The rest of the story will happen in Part II in a couple of days. 

 

Now that the second part has been written and uploaded on the blog, lazy folks will want to proceed to it by clicking here. I am calling them lazy because they don’t seem to want to leave a comment below for the first part. Sigh. So disappointing!

 

Samsung Galaxy S4 Or Apple iPhone 6? The Real Scoop!

The ONLY Technical Review You Will Ever Need! 

 

Nerd Orgasm Alert!

Well, this week, Samsung launched their brand new flagship smartphone called Galaxy Ass-4. I know what you are thinking – ‘Galaxy Ass-4…hmmm…haven’t I heard that name before? Wasn’t that the name of one of the final frontiers ventured to by no man except Captain James T. Kirk (with reliable sidekicks Spock and Bones McCoy), who

Wowsa!

Wowsa!

discovered, much to his unbridled delight, that most extra-terrestrials out there look exactly like the curvy, buxom and blonde earthwomen of the 1960s?’ Yes, possibly, and we will discuss those mysterious ETs some other time. This post, however, is about the new smartphones which have so many features that they could fly the A-380 without human intervention. The feature list of the Galaxy Ass-4, for example, is mindboggling – it can cure your cancer, park your car, get you a hot date, give you a mani-pedi etc etc. – all you have to do as a user is launch an app and wave some gestures at it. Yes, quite like Harry Potter, but with a phone instead of a wand.

Now, I have been a loyal iPhone supporter for many years so I was getting very concerned that the Satan’s Own Fruit company was losing its skills of putting together the world’s most perfect 4 inch strudel. Until I read the feature list planned for iPhone-Sex, that is! I tell you, THIS IS GOING TO BE THE PERFECT SMARTPHONE. Sure, it does all that the Samsung can do (points that I have enumerated above) – plus, it can compose bhajans, correctly count the number of stars in the sky, iron your clothes etc. AND, you have got to look at the HUMAN features they are adding to it!

Read on, this is the new iPhone-Sex feature list that was recently smuggled out of a Chinese sweatshop by the Dalai Lama himself.

 

Ass Shaky Shaky Shaky : Now, here is a gesture to make an unequivocal declaration to the caller on the other side of what a pathetic runt he/she is, and that you are done having that miserable piece of shit in your life. This feature can be used in both personal and professional settings, but it is the latter that will give you the biggest bang for your buck.

To use this gesture, during the call with the said caller, simply point the phone screen to your buttocal area, pull your knickers/drawers down, and wriggle your ass firmly and repeatedly till your phone responds with a beep. The beep confirms that the phone has automatically wiped off all traces of the said asshole from your life. The great thing is that the phone doesn’t even ask for a confirmation!

Notes : The gesture works well on voice calls, Facebook messaging and SMS. And it works incredibly well on video calls.

 

Armpit-O-Meter : This is basically an Odourmeter in your phone that has been calibrated to calculate how close you  can safely get to smelly fellow passengers travelling in overcrowded public transport without loss of consciousness. The results are displayed on a scale that runs from 0 to 10, where the higher the number, the safer it is. For example, a flashing ‘10’ means that you can practically put your nose under the fellow traveller’s armpit and take deep breaths. A ‘5’ means that you might want to seriously consider waiting for the next train/bus/metro. ‘Can it get worse than 5?’, you wonder. Of course, a ‘ZERO’ would mean that it is time you started looking for career opportunities in another city (or country, preferably) – you are absolutely unlikely to survive any public transport travel in this location.

To use this gesture, point the phone for 5 seconds towards the crummiest looking passenger (or whoever you wish to) in the transport vehicle you are about to step into. Observe reading. Take action as proposed above.

Known issues : If the scale shows a negative number, especially while being used in a Mumbai Local, or anywhere near Najafgarh in Delhi, please don’t be alarmed that your phone has conked off. The reading is correct.

 

The Rapunzel Low Hanger Gesture : This is a cutesy name given by the Apple developers to the gesture that alerts you when it is time to consider a hair trim. After all, there is nothing worse for the 21st century  smartphone user than to see his/her cockiness pulverize into ridicule. Thanks to this gesture (which works in conjunction with the Rapunzel App), your wayward follicles can now be kept in check. On using this gesture, the phone screen will turn Green – for Glory, or Red – for Ruin, allowing the user to take appropriate action and, resultantly, chart the destiny they so desire.

To use this gesture, launch the Rapunzel app and bring the phone, face forward, to approximately 3 inches from your nose. Twitch your nose repeatedly at the screen for around 5 seconds. Stop, and observe the colour of the screen. If Red, the upper bezel of the phone automatically converts into a sharp blade and may be used as a hair trimmer.

Note : This is not a toy. Please take suitable precautions when using your phone as a hair trimmer. And, under no circumstances, may the blade be used as a pencil sharpener or on your wrist.

Additional Notes : PLEASE, this gesture is meant to ascertain the civility of the length in your NOSE HAIR ONLY. Do not use on any other parts of the body, you fucking idiot! Other people (family/friends) sometimes need to touch that same bloody phone!

 

 

Ready to kick ass!

Ready to kick ass!

The How-Loud?TM Gesture : This revolutionary idea is going to save new relationships until overt farting (as opposed to the clandestine, noiseless ones – those are more-or-less ok) becomes as socially acceptable as, say, fishing or groinal scratching or even listening to Justin Bieber past 14 years of age. The 21st century smartphone user often worries about – ‘How soon in a relationship is it ok for me to let it rip in front of my boyfriend?’ or, more importantly – ‘Oh fuck, did she hear that? Please God, please let her not have heard that! Shit!’ Well, with The How-Loud?TM gesture, the worrier can breathe easy. This App + Gesture combo gives you a full report on How-Loud?TM you can get and at what distance because, let’s face it, your body is going to let you down at the worst possible moment.

To use this gesture, launch the How-Loud?TM app. Once open, male users (seeking female companionship), must place the phone by the dresser-mirror and walk 5 feet away. Female users (seeking male companionship) need to place the phone on the couch that faces the TV-Gaming console, and walk away the same distance (5 feet). From this distance, the user releases around 10-15 farts, making sure to ‘mix it up’ by modulating their length and sound frequency. Based on the data provided, the phone will automatically produce a detailed report, giving the user precise information on which ‘types’ of farts are safe and from what distance may they be expended.

Note : This data is 100% reliable. Based on trials, it has been observed that almost all users are shocked by the findings. Most farts, inadvisedly considered by them to be surreptitious, are oh not so quiet after all. People are quite foolish that they think they can ‘get away with it’.

 

After reading this, it is clear that the iPhone-Sex is worth waiting for. Move over, Samsung Galaxy Ass-4, you are already obsolete. I don’t know about you but I am already planning to rob the ATM next door to arrange for the needed monies (because I need many, many ‘money’ to afford this). I think I can take that skinny guard if I just spend a few more hours at the gym.

 

(All images have been stolen from the internet – aided and abetted by Google)