Category Archives: Why we are Angrezon ki Aulads

Deride Without Prejudice

In the past year, I have come across but just a handful of blogs that are aimed at readers with discerning taste. Among the best of those is Subho’s Jejune Diet (SJD, for short), managed by the extremely well-versed Subhorup Dasgupta. His choice of topic is always compelling, his writing style articulate, and his narration captivating. So imagine my delight (and surprise) when he asked me to do a guest post for him, despite the potty mouth that I am!

I hope that with this piece, I have done justice to what his cultivated audience expects to read at SJD. I must say, I had a blast writing this post. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it. Thanks, Subho, for the opportunity!

 

janeaustentea

Hundreds of years ago, a plain Jane English writer called Jane Austin wrote an epochal novel called ‘Pride and Prejudice’. Quite miraculous that she would achieve that, for, the woman had heard nothing of Blogging in her day. Despite that, how she procured the clarity of thought, the grasp of storytelling technique, and dry wit and humour, attributes that all Indian Bloggers are naturally blessed with the first time they hold aloft a pen, we shall never know.

Anyway, my research has shown that Miss Austin may not have found it that facile to produce her seminal work, as proven by the multiple versions of Chapter 47 that she wrote longhand, one of which I have reproduced here. Moreover, I found it quite interesting that this particular trashed piece alludes to a certain beverage that Subhorup has great affinity to – making this a remarkably serendipitous find! Read on to find out more.

I wish Miss Austin had retained this passage in the book instead of the inferior one that she ultimately went with. Had her writing been of the Blogosphere born, that lapse of judgment would have never occurred.

Ah, well.

 

Read the rest at Subho’s blog using the link below. And don’t miss the glorious introduction he has given me at the top. Frankly, no kinder words have ever been expressed! I shall cherish them for a lifetime.

 

http://subhorup.blogspot.in/2013/04/rickie-khosla-jane-austen-blend-of-tea.html

 

 

Dirty Harry!

As you know HRH Prince Harry was recently caught with his pants missing in a Vegas hotel. So, what do you think happened the moment Happy Harry first realized that the royal jewels were on display to the entire world? Worry about grandma and the future of the British monarchy? Not quite. The first thing he did was make a call to the hotel’s ever reliable lost-and-found department. And as is true with all customer service calls made in the US, that phone call that originated from the Presidential Suite of The Encore was routed to a hapless Vijay Kumar in Gurgaon, India.

Here is what ensued thereafter.

Embarrassed Much?
(Photo courtesy Google and The Independent)

Call Centre : Encore Hotels and Resorts Lost and Found Department. This is Vijay speaking. How can I help you?

Prince Harry : I am calling to report some missing items from my hotel room! Presidential Suite!

Call Centre : I will be glad to help you, Sir. Please can you give me some personal details first?

Prince Harry : Ok, what do you want to know?

Call Centre : Your name?

Prince Harry : Henry Charles Albert David.

Call Centre : Huh? Just your name, Sir, I don’t need the names of your friends and family members.

Prince Harry : Oh blimey! That is just my name. Ok, why don’t you just put down Henry Charles as the name?

Call Centre : Ok, Mr. Charles. Father’s name?

Prince Harry : It’s Henry.

Call Centre : Your father’s name is also Henry?

Prince Harry : I mean my name is Henry. Don’t call me Mr. Charles!

Call Centre : But your name is Mr. Henry Charles, no?

Prince Harry : Yes. But I am not known as Mr. Charles. I am known as Prince…Oh, never mind. Call me whatever!

Call Centre : I could call you Mr. Prince Charles, if you prefer?

Prince Harry : For fuck’s sake! Call me Henry. Just call me Henry!

Call Centre : Ok, Mr. Henry. Father’s name?

Prince Harry : Why do you need that?

Call Centre : Just a matter of policy, Sir.

Prince Harry : Charles Philip Arthur George.

Call Centre : Sir…

Prince Harry : Oh crap…I mean, Charles Philip.

Call Centre : Wife’s name?

Prince Harry : Oh, bloody hell, why do you need that for?

Call Centre : Sorry, Mr. Henry. You don’t need to give that information if it’s of a sensitive nature. I understand that you are calling from Las Vegas and spousal information can be sensitive.

Prince Harry : There is no bloody wife, ok?

Call Centre : I’m sorry, Mr. Henry, for having brought up a sensitive topic for you.

Prince Harry : Fu…! Ok, sure. Can I just lodge my complaint? Please?

Call Centre : Yes, Mr. Henry. What can I help you with today?

Prince Harry : I am missing my pants and my trousers!

Call Centre : I see, Sir. But what exactly do you mean by “my pants and my trousers”?

Prince Harry : I mean just that – I am missing my pants and my trousers! What is so difficult to understand?

Call Centre : Do you mean you are missing 2 pants?

Prince Harry : No, my dear man, I mean pants and trousers!

Call Centre : But, Sir, don’t they mean the same thing? It’s like saying – I am missing a cellphone and a mobile phone. But that would really mean – I am missing 2 cellphones, wouldn’t it?

Prince Harry : Cor! Pants, as in underpants, and trousers as in…pants, I guess!

Call Centre : Oh I see now, Mr. Henry. You mean you are missing your underwear and your pants. I am happy to help you with that. But first, I will need some details on the missing items.

Prince Harry : Sure, what do you want to know?

Call Centre : Please can you describe your underwear in 100 characters?

Prince Harry : 100 characters? Why 100 characters?

Call Centre : That is because we release this information to all our hotel employees as a tweet and a Facebook post so that it is easier for them to keep an eye out for the missing items. We have observed that no one reads notice boards any more. But they do check Twitter and Facebook.

Prince Harry : Ok, I see. Very efficient. But why 100? If it’s a tweet, shouldn’t it be 140?

Call Centre : It could, if you didn’t want any contact information attached to that tweet. How will the finder know what to do with the information?

Prince Harry : Yes, yes, quite.

Call Centre : Thank you for understanding, Mr. Henry. Ready when you are.

Prince Harry : Oh, ok. Let’s see. How about – Missing pink coloured boxer shorts with picture of Mickey Mouse on the crotch and Donald Duck on the butt. Size Large. Inscribed with the letters HRH Prince Henry in gold.

Call Centre : Very long, Mr. Henry.

Prince Harry : No, I don’t think they are very long. Normal length. They come up to about my lower thigh.

Call Centre : I meant the tweet, Mr. Henry. It is too long.

Prince Harry : Crikey! Ok, how about – Missing pink coloured boxer shorts with pictures of Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse. Size Large. Inscribed with the letters HRH Prince Henry in gold.

Call Centre : No.

Prince Harry : Missing large pink boxer shorts with Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse. Inscribed with HRH Prince Henry. Happy?

Call Centre : That’s a perfect fit, Mr. Henry. And the pants?

Prince Harry : How about – Missing Brown Pants.

Call Centre : That’s it?

Prince Harry : Yes. What do you want me to say – that it has buttons and a zipper?

Call Centre : As you wish, Mr. Henry. And, where was the last place you saw these missing items?

Prince Harry : On me. I saw them on me.

Call Centre : And what were you doing when you suddenly realized they were missing?

Prince Harry : That is none of your business!

Call Centre : Oh I see. Sensitive topic, Mr. Henry.

Prince Harry : Stop saying that! Just…!

Call Centre : I am sorry, Mr. Henry. And would you say that you misplaced these items through your own carelessness or were they stolen?

Prince Harry : Err…not sure…one could say that it was my own carelessness…

Call Centre : I will need a precise answer, Mr. Henry. It will help us locate the missing items faster.

Prince Harry : All right, all right! I was smashed, ok? Hammered! Plastered! Wasted!

Call Centre : Oh! I am very sorry to hear that, Mr. Henry! Were you violently attacked in your room? Can you describe your attackers? Could they be the ones who removed your underwear?

Prince Harry : Motherf….! No, I meant I was drunk! Drunk!! I don’t know when my clothes were gone and where they went! Just help me get them back. That’s all. Really, I can’t do this any more!

Call Centre : I am sorry, Mr. Henry. I am only trying to help you. Do you have any pictures of the missing items?

Prince Harry : <mumbles>

Call Centre : Mr. Henry, are you still there?

Prince Harry : No, I have no pictures of my underwear and pants. God!

Call Centre : One last question, Mr. Henry. Who can we contact alternatively if we locate the missing items? I see that you haven’t provided your wife’s contact details.

Prince Harry : I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING WIFE!

Call Centre : Then? Your parents? You know what – people sometimes give their grandparents details. It is our observation that grandparents are usually very non-judgmental about their grandchildren’s activities in Vegas. Very forgiving. I think that may be best.

Prince Harry : NO, NO GRANDPARENTS! You fucking hear me?

Call Centre : Yes, Mr. Henry. I am only trying to help you. Sorry for raising a sensit…

Prince Harry : DON’T SAY IT…Just. Don’t. Say. It. Again.

Call Centre : I am sorry, Mr. Henry.

Prince Harry : Is there anything else you need from me?

Call Centre : Yes, Mr. Henry. Just your forwarding address. Oh, wait, looks like I can pull that up from the computer. It says, Windsor Castle, London, UK. Is that correct?

Prince Harry : Yes.

Call Centre : Oh great. If I may say so, Sir, I have always wanted to visit London. But they say that it is very rainy there. Do you think there will be a storm when you get home?

Prince Harry : Hah…will there be a shit of a storm when I get home…

Call Centre : I am very sorry to hear that, Mr. Henry. Well, do carry an umbrella! Ok, that’s it, Mr. Henry, I have everything that I need. Is there anything else I can help you with?

Prince Harry : NO!

Call Centre : Thanks for calling Encore Hotels and Resorts Lost and Found Department. You were speaking with Vijay. May you have a very pleasant stay in Vegas.

Prince Harry : <mumbles> Thank you. <mumbles>

 

 

My New Word Submissions – Part 3

Ok, so technically these are not my creations but of my great friend Adam Murphy. This Aussie has a wicked sense of humor – the kind we all like. Here are some fantastic new additions to the English language!

Read more on his blog!

 

http://clightnirish.wordpress.com/2012/06/03/new-words-with-friends/

 

 

Adam, Goldie and I visiting Mayawati's favourite possession

 

My New Word Submissions – Part 2

So, the list continues. I have 2 new words to add to the previous list.

Rue-pee-wee (, for short) – noun. The feeling of utter impotence when staring at sudden cataclysmic shrinkage. Usually to be used in context of financial instruments, e.g. investments, forex etc. And never to be used when talking of body parts, even when usage feels perfectly apt.

Typical usage – “I bumped into him at the Chemist. He was there to buy some Viagra. I suspect the only way he can tell his wife about their Facebook stock’s rue-pee-wee is after giving her some crazy, hot sex”.

 

Cuss-Tamer Dare – noun. A charming phone-based mind-game played by Customer Care Executives to get calling customers to alternate between hair-pulling exasperation and frazzled-subservience. The dare is won by the executive who is able to keep a customer on the phone the longest, without helping him/her at all.

Typical usage – “Oh, it’s easy to win at Cuss-Tamer Dare! Start by telling the sucker that the server is slow today. Then, get him to fax the last 5 phone bills, his passport and driver’s license copies, and a photo of all family members on the family plan to a made-up fax number. Offer to keep holding while the asshole does that. After a couple of hours, he will finally give up and ask for the address of the nearest Service Centre. Let him know…and don’t forget to thank him for calling Vodafone Customer Care!”

 

And here are some earlier submissions, in case you missed them!

 

Gangoogly (or just ganguli, for short) – noun. The false pretense of being a Quality Product even though it is at least 5 years past the Expiry Date.

Typical usage – One century in over 365 days? How long will Sachin Tendulkar continue bowling the gangoogly to us?

 

Ass-Archaic (or just S-R-K-ic, for short) – noun. Bouts of antediluvianism and grandiosity causing a seemingly rational person to behave like a total jackass, usually in a public area.

Typical usage – I spent good money and precious time watching that crapfest called Tees Maar Khan. I could make a better film than that fucking no-talent Sirish Kunder, even with my eyes closed! I am going to go all ass-archaic on him if I ever see him!

 

Kingfizzlenoun. A crash, failure, fiasco, collapse, fall through, defeat, pie-on-the-face of very, very large proportion. Usually applies to a pompous ass (and his progeny, too)

Typical usage – Just like we do so often, the whole idea was to hit the shacks in Goa early and booze the living daylights out of us. Instead, we spent the entire day at the airport waiting for the damned flight to take off. Kingfizzle, man! Epic kingfizzle!

 

 

My New-Word Submissions – Part I

New words are added to the Oxford and Webster English dictionaries all the time. Here is a new series I am starting, with 3 new words inspired by IPL and people associated with it! 

 

Gangoogly (or just ganguli, for short) – noun. The false pretense of being a Quality Product even though it is at least 5 years past its Expiry Date.

Typical usage – One century in over 365 days? How long will Sachin Tendulkar continue bowling the gangoogly to us?

 

Ass-Archaic (or just S-R-K-ic, for short) – noun. Bouts of antediluvianism and grandiosity causing a seemingly rational person to behave like a total jackass, usually in a public area.

Typical usage – I spent good money and precious time watching that crapfest called Tees Maar Khan. I could make a better film than that fucking no-talent Sirish Kunder, even with my eyes closed. I am going to go all ass-archaic on him if I ever see him!

Kingfizzlenoun. A crash, failure, fiasco, collapse, fall through, defeat, pie-on-the-face of a very, very large magnitude. Usually applies to a pompous ass (and his progeny, too)

Typical usage – Just like we do all the time, the whole idea was to hit the shacks in Goa early and booze the living daylights out of us. Instead, we spent the entire day at the airport waiting for the damned flight to take off. Epic kingfizzle, man!