Category Archives: Why we love Phoren Countries

An Essay on How to Fill a Day with Nothing – Also, known as, The Pleasures of a Purpose-less Sabbatical…

Some three and a half years ago, I took a sabbatical from work, ostensibly to do bigger, better, more worthwhile things in life. (Unfortunately, I settled back into more mundane living fairly quickly, without utilizing my downtime in any meaningful way. Clearly, the current break will have to be much more purposeful!)

This note below captures the heady feeling of the early days of that break…dated October 2009, location New York, NY.

Watching grass grow can be a fun and rewarding experience.

Ah, the Art of Sleep. Or, rather, the Art of Waking-Up-Late. For some, waking up late means 8 am, which is such a pity – this artform is clearly wasted on them. For others, waking up at 11 am or later comes easy. Natural Born Artists. So you continue to hone this Talent each day.

Sometime mid-morning sleep eventually dissipates. Your eyes hook up with your iPhone/Watch/Media Center/Newspaper/Life. 10.55. You float out of bed around the same time as Worker-Bees all around town are hearing the first rumblings in their stomachs. After all, lunch hour is near. The Sun has already expended much of its morning energy, but you don’t notice that because the blinds are down (sensible move last night). Your first act of the day is to bring the Sound-and-Fury box back to life. You already made sure the remote stayed close at hand. Choices abound – there’s CNN, if you want to know how much your Life would Suck if you hadn’t been Goldman Sachs (but wait, you aren’t Goldman Sachs…). Then there’s Martha, who can  teach you how to make Champignon French-something-or-other with mushroom caps and cheese, and craft decorations with discarded mushroom stems and glitter. Super talented woman. But best to settle with the Ladies of The View. Five women talking animatedly about important-sounding topics, you know, Jon and Kate, Balloon Boy and such. They can’t seem to agree between themselves that the sky is blue. And what greater pass time than to guess which dentures Barbara Walters chose to wear today – clearly, she rotates between several pairs depending upon her need for audible coherence?

Breakfast at 12. If you have made lunch (aka breakfast) plans with friends, food is taken care of. But each time you are out having lunch, you wonder why things appear rushed. Could it be that your Worker-Bee-Friend needs to get back to work? You are in no hurry yourself, but those Au Bon Pain soup bowls carry only so much soup. Even the Large ones. Though lunch plans are quick and easy, and your friends have suggested them a few times, you are a lazy sloth (painful to take a quick shower, get ready, and leave home by 1). So you plan to meet another day. Maybe later in the week – Friday.

Today, you are home for breakfast – things are much simpler. The Fridge holds the key to your happiness. Milk. Direct from a cow some two thousand miles away. Wholesome, pure…missing some fat, but with added vitamins. What else…there is Pepperidge Farms Bread – unspoilt even after a week. Fortified with cement, presumably. There’s some Swiss cheese. Organic Grade-A-Large-Eggs with yummy Good-Cholesterol. Gala Apples and Dole Bananas before they go too ripe. But you look beyond all that and grab the big box of Cheerios you bought yesterday. After watching that ad in which a grandfather is having Cheerios with his year-old grandson. They were loving it so! Nothing like a good bowl of cereal. Except carrot cake. Or any cake.

All through your miserable years at work, you have wondered about those folks who sit at Starbucks in the middle of the afternoon, sipping coffee and reading a book. WHAT is their profession – and how do you get to be one of THEM? Well, now is your chance. So you grab your great new Novel, in all its 700 pages of hard bound enormity, and lug it to the cafe two blocks away. You don’t really like coffee, so you order yourself a dessert drink. There is no one ahead or behind you in line, so you get a clear picture of how your Frappucciono is manufactured. Basically, they start with Heavy Cream. Then they add some mix (sugar syrup?) from a bottle. Followed by some fruity looking syrup from a second bottle. Off to the blender. Followed by a huge dollop of more Heavy Cream to top it up. Your heart fails just toting up the calories and Bad-Cholesterol count. The kid behind the counter smiles as she hands the Venti to you, her lips saying ‘Enjoy’ though her eyes clearly mean ‘Good Luck surviving that’.

Drink in hand, you seat yourself at a table with a so-so view of the Street. The best seats are already taken by Ferocious-looking-Hipsters. (Go back to your East Village, you Skinny Jeans Morons). Anyhow, you are not to be undone…you fish out your giant book with both hands (your bag and your shoulder thank you for it). You read. 3.15.

Outside the window, you spot a chick wearing mittens (already?). An old but well preserved lady with a dog. Back to the book. Two new visitors to the cafe. Marble cake…mmm, maybe you should get that, too. Two sips of the Frappuccino. Book. The visitors settle down at a worse table – take that, Losers. NYU Kids. Ah to be young in New York. Outside, the Mailman runs his block. Frappuccino. Book. Repeat. 3.30.

Only 3.30? Concentrate on the book. It is a great book, but this public area coccooning is new to you. The sounds and visuals are distracting. IPOD! Yes, take that out. Headphone all set. Playlist set to 500-Days-of-Summer. Go. Book. Frappuccino. Book. Repeat. Man running. Two giggly girls. One of the Ferocious-looking-Hipster starts to leave. Should you change you seat? No, that’s uncool, surely. Book. More Book. Even more Book. Frappuccino. Skip Song. Skip next Song, too. Frappuccino. Book. More Book. Even more Book. Now mainly Book and little much Else.

4.30. This turned out to be reasonably ok. You need more practice, so maybe you will repeat this again tomorrow. Or maybe, later in the week – Friday. Did 20 pages of the Book. The Brick goes back into the bag (groan). Onward home.

The Mega Million Lotto is now 108 MILLION DOLLARS! Stop by the neighborhood deli. Pretend you are there to buy something else…Snapple Grapeade, say. And just by-the-way ask for 3 Mega Million tickets. You know, to top out the 5 dollars you placed on the counter.

Finally Home. Free until 7 when you meet your friend over dinner. Go for a run? But you showered already, so perhaps tomorrow. Maybe later in the week – Friday. Catch up on recorded Jay Leno and Conans. Conan is still not funny…poor guy. But you want to be nice to him, so you continue to watch politely. You doze off…as your Natural-born-talent manifests itself again only after a few short hours. But, as Conan says bye for the night, you wake up as well. Perhaps time to change your shirt for the evening. You look through the closet to realize – 1) you still haven’t done laundry, and 2) you don’t have good clothes, anyway. Laundry and Shopping coming up. Maybe later in the week – Friday.

Off for dinner. Thai, Indian, Mexican or Chinese, typically. Usually cheap, and always worth it – there is a reason why New York apartments come with kitchens and smoke-alarms 1 feet apart from each other. Why would anyone want to cook in New York?

Home later. After 9, even your cellphone provider sets you free, so go yap as much as you want. But talking is so 2007, now that there is Facebook…Think of something truly witty for your Facebook status. Think hard. Continue to think. Eventually, give up – it’s not as if you have anything to report – you haven’t done ANYTHING today. Witty or otherwise.

Mr Sandman won’t visit for a while, so you extricate the Brick from the bag. Read the Book. It’s actually quite delightful…you wonder why you couldn’t concentrate at Starbucks. You continue to read. 1 am. You want to catch up on your sleep – there’s much to be done tomorrow. Or, at least, much to done later in the week – Friday.

This is Life you could get used to. You wish your parents had worked harder when they were younger…and left you a Trust Fund.

Deride Without Prejudice

In the past year, I have come across but just a handful of blogs that are aimed at readers with discerning taste. Among the best of those is Subho’s Jejune Diet (SJD, for short), managed by the extremely well-versed Subhorup Dasgupta. His choice of topic is always compelling, his writing style articulate, and his narration captivating. So imagine my delight (and surprise) when he asked me to do a guest post for him, despite the potty mouth that I am!

I hope that with this piece, I have done justice to what his cultivated audience expects to read at SJD. I must say, I had a blast writing this post. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it. Thanks, Subho, for the opportunity!



Hundreds of years ago, a plain Jane English writer called Jane Austin wrote an epochal novel called ‘Pride and Prejudice’. Quite miraculous that she would achieve that, for, the woman had heard nothing of Blogging in her day. Despite that, how she procured the clarity of thought, the grasp of storytelling technique, and dry wit and humour, attributes that all Indian Bloggers are naturally blessed with the first time they hold aloft a pen, we shall never know.

Anyway, my research has shown that Miss Austin may not have found it that facile to produce her seminal work, as proven by the multiple versions of Chapter 47 that she wrote longhand, one of which I have reproduced here. Moreover, I found it quite interesting that this particular trashed piece alludes to a certain beverage that Subhorup has great affinity to – making this a remarkably serendipitous find! Read on to find out more.

I wish Miss Austin had retained this passage in the book instead of the inferior one that she ultimately went with. Had her writing been of the Blogosphere born, that lapse of judgment would have never occurred.

Ah, well.


Read the rest at Subho’s blog using the link below. And don’t miss the glorious introduction he has given me at the top. Frankly, no kinder words have ever been expressed! I shall cherish them for a lifetime.



A Guest Post For A Super Blogger!

Strangely one morning, as she was probably nursing a particularly bad hangover, Purba Ray of A-Musing fame, figured that my writing was worthy of her blog. Her blog – which is among the funniest and most insightful ones out there! So when she asked me to do a guest post for her, I didn’t even stop to ask if she was feeling ok – I just said YES!

Here is the piece. Do read, comment, share – you know, the usual stuff that friends do!


The National Treasure

Beware : Angry Lady Ahead!

Beware : Angry Lady Ahead!

“This is a disaster!” yells Sonia Gandhi as she facepalms her forehead uncharacteristically. “How could we even let this happen?”

The emergency (yet hidden from the media’s prying eyes) political meeting is taking place at the lawns of Sheila Dixit’s official residence in Delhi. The bright winter sun is warm but doing little to dispel the frosty ambience of the congregation. The news that had been received by the PMO just that morning has pulled the rug from under the political establishment’s feet. “It can’t be true!”, “The media must not find out about this!” and “What will Maya and Mulayam do now?” are the universal exclamations in the corridors of power. (As is “How come Urvashi won Bigg Boss?” but that is off-topic for this post.) Mamata Banerji and Narendra Modi have already rushed to Delhi as they are prone to do under such circumstances. So have most other leaders. All except Jayalalitha, who decides to stay put in Chennai under the perceived threat of a snub.
As the perfectly attired waiters with starched pagdees discreetly serve cream of mushroom soup and assorted nibblers, the political class furiously debates ways to help abate the latest crisis – the imminent loss of a national treasure to an adversarial nation.


Continue reading at A-Musing


Melbourne Ki Jhalak Dikhlaja!

This is an entry for the Indiblogger “…it’s your time to visit Melbourne NOW!” contest.


One evening, SRK, Kajol and KJo decide to meet for Koffee to discuss their planned new film. Here is the conversation that Bollywood Reporter managed to capture secretly.

Karan Johar (aka KJo) : Girl and Boy, it is time for us to try something revolutionary. After all, who knows, kal ho na ho? Enough of your Raj-Pooja nonsense, now. And even though your name is Khan indeed, I will give you a much more stylish name in this one. How about Sid? For Siddharth?

Kajol : Aye haye, new name-shame, haan? I like it! I don’t think Sid has been used in any film, has it?

ShahRukh Khan (aka SRK) : K-k-k-Kajol, what is wrong with you? Have you forgotten ‘Wake Up Sid’?

Kajol : Offo…I had forgotten! Chalo, let’s stick with Raj then. I think the name Rajinder is coming back in fashion. Raj can be the nickname.

SRK : Sounds deadly to me. And Rajinder Kumar is my favourite actor! Ok, but what about her?

KJo : Ab Raj ke saath toh Pooja is a package deal. We cannot play around with that otherwise Yash uncle gussa ho jayenge.

Kajol : Yes, please, please, but call me Poo, na? I am dying to have that name!

KJo : Ok, Raj and Poo. Settled.

SRK : And who are we playing in this film?

KJo : I am thinking this time I will have you play two super successful lawyer-artists who are facing off each other five years after you both passed out of the same university.

SRK : What is a “lawyer-artist”?

KJo : I mean you are brilliant lawyers by day but also incredibly successful entertainers in the evenings and weekends. Raj is a theatre director, who also acts – imagine someone like Dev Anand saab. And Poo is the best actress in the country. But your main profession in the film is still Law. You fight very important cases – usually of national importance – and the whole world is glued to what you are up to in court.

SRK : Wow…what a deadly combination!

Kajol : And which exotic location will we film this time?

KJo : You know, I am a bit undecided about that. We have already done Switzerland, London, New York, California. How about this time we try the other side of the globe? What do you feel about Japan?

SRK : Japan? So, we will play the most successful lawyer-artists of Japan? And when we fight important court cases in Japanese courts, the entire Japanese population will be glued to their TV sets watching our live coverage?

Kajol : I am assuming that we will make our courtroom arguments in Hindi and not Japanese, right? Mujhe toh bilkul Japanese nahi aati – except waka doki!

KJo : Of course, silly! Yeh Hindi movie hai.

Kajol : So, will we assume that all Japanese people know Hindi, just like the British and the Americans in Hindi films? I guess no harm in that…

SRK : No, no, I think thoda zyada ho jayega.

KJo : Hmmm…I see your point. I guess that also rules out Beijing and Shanghai then. And Seoul.

SRK : Dammit. I really wanted to remix Govinda’s old song for my next film – “Korea, chura na mera jiya, Korea chura na mera jiya…

Kajol : Husn hai suhana, ishq hai…

KJo : Guys! Focus!

SRK : Oh sorry, sorry!

Kajol : Jo-Kar, have you thought about Australia? We did Sydney for that dreadful – We are Family – so this time we could go to Melbourne!

Melbourne Cricket Ground

SRK : Yes, M-m-m-Melbourne! Sounds like a perfect choice to me! Will we get a chance to go see the world famous Melbourne Cricket Ground?

KJo : Sure!

Kajol : Quick, quick, tell us more of the story now!

KJo : So, we begin with Raj and Poo, biggest rivals in college. She is called Raj ki Poo, and he is called Poo ka Raj. That is how much they are identified with each other!

Kajol : How adorable! I can almost smell love-hate in the air.

SRK : Will we be filming at the Melbourne Law School in the University of Melbourne? I hear they have a marvellous campus!

University of Melbourne – Newman Residential College

KJo : It is marvelous indeed! In fact, I am also thinking of doing a college celebration-type song where you both, with 50 other white Australian kids, sing and dance at the world famous Melbourne State Library. You know, like a ‘We don’t want no education’ kind of song.

Kajol : Where everyone does Bollywood dancing, right? I think everyone in Australia learns Bollywood dancing at some point in their lives!

KJo : Of course.

SRK : But what exactly is the story?

KJo : You see, you both were the most popular students in your university. You were always competing against each other for the best grades, the most popular student award, the best sportsperson award etc. But even through all that rivalry, you secretly loved each other.

State Library of Victoria

Kajol : Wow…I already have goose-bumps! Tell me more!

KJo :  And then when college ended, you both went your separate ways, without getting a chance to express your love for each other.

Kajol : Awww….that is so sad!

SRK : But why didn’t we express our love?

KJo : Fate. Circumstance. Ego. Parents wishes. Higher education. Call it what you may.

Kajol : Such a pity!

SRK : Is there a sad song at this point?

KJo : Yes, obviously! I can show you walking around the beautiful streets of Melbourne as two sad, heartbroken almost-lovers. I think I will also show you both go and light a candle at the divine St. Paul’s Cathedral one by one, missing each other by minutes and inches.

St Pauls Cathedral

Kajol : Sigh. Our love. It was not to be!

KJo : But now here is the catch! You both do get to meet again!

Kajol : Oh goodie! Otherwise this would have turned out to be such a sad story!

KJo : Yes, five years later, when you both are 25 and super successful lawyers, you get a chance to fight a highly charged court case in the Supreme Court of Melbourne. It’s about an Australian-Indian couple who don’t want a divorce but they still must go through it.

Kajol : Awww….how sad!

SRK : But why are they getting divorced if they don’t want to?

KJo : Fate. Circumstance. Ego. Parents wishes. Children’s future. Call it what you may.

Kajol : Such a pity!

SRK : Is there a sad song at this point?

KJo : No, not this time. This time, you both decide to capture the agony of this estranged couple through your art. While you fight the case in court, you are simultaneously also working on a play that depicts their misery. And through their sadness, you aim to show yours!

SRK : But why?

KJo : Because you both realize, in an ocean of emotions that despite the five years of separation, and even though you are now 25 and no longer virgins, your love for each other is still strong. And yet, you are still shy to declare your feelings to each other.

Kajol : Awww….how sad!

SRK : So what do we do?

KJo : You both decide that you will fight the case but, for the sake of your love, you will sacrifice.

Melbourne Supreme Court

SRK : Sacrifice? How?

KJo : By losing the case and making the other person win! Remember, you are both successful lawyers who have never lost in the past. For love, you are even prepared to do that!

Kajol : Awww….how sad!

SRK : Stop saying that, silly! How can that be possible?

Kajol : Oh sorry, yes, I do see your point! Jo-Kar, don’t you think it is unlawful for either of us to knowingly lose the case of our client?

KJo : But all is fair in love and war!

Kajol : Awww….

SRK : Haan, woh toh hai…

Kajol : So, what happens then?

KJo : Simple, you both plot to bring your clients back together! By the way, your judge in court starts sensing that you both have a larger mission to bring your clients together. And he is secretly all for it! Do you know who I am signing up for that role?

SRK : Anupam Kher, obviously!

KJo : Obviously!

Kajol : Who is he playing?

KJo : The Chief Justice of Australia!

SRK : It’s great to see how successful people of Indian-origin are in Australia. Bravo!

KJo : Coming back to the estranged couple, your plan of getting the two of them to keep bumping into each other at all kinds of places and situations seems to work its magic slowly.

Kajol : How nice! I think this calls for a happy song!

KJo : And there sure is one. Yes, I was thinking we could film this number at the Shrine of Remembrance!

Shrine of Remembrance

SRK : And later, when they come see our play, our clients get convinced that their love is forever, and they decide to drop their case and get back together again!

Kajol : Yay! The End!

SRK : What ‘The End’ silly? Our own love story has still not been resolved!

Kajol : Oh haan!

KJo : And guess who brings the two of you together?

Kajol : Who? Our parents?

KJo : Have you not been paying attention at all? It’s the Judge!

Kajol : Oh wow!

KJo : Yes! Obviously he senses the undercurrent between the two of you, and he even comes to watch your play in disguise!

Kajol : What a great man!

KJo : Yes, as he throws out the case of your clients, he also issues a court order for you both to get together! But as soon as he does that, Poo flies off the court house!

SRK : Why?

KJo : Because I don’t want the last scene to be in a court house!

Kajol : So where do I fly off to?


Southern Cross Station

KJo : To a train station obviously. We will film at the Southern Cross Train Station. Where you are anxiously waiting in the train for Raj to come for you, and Raj is frantically looking into each train window searching for you!

Kajol : How romantic!

SRK : But why did Poo run away in the first place?

KJo : Fate. Circumstance. Ego. Parents wishes. Their past. Call it what you may.

Kajol : Such a pity!

SRK : So do they find each other?

KJo : Yes, thankfully! Someone calls the station and tells them there is a bomb on the train. The friendly and efficient Victoria Police stops the train and rescues all the passengers. And amidst all the drama, you both find each other and finally profess your undying love for each other!

The ever-smiling Victoria Police

Kajol : Awww….

SRK : …while all this is being telecast live on Australian TV, right?

KJo : Yes, and there is not a single dry eye in the entire country! In fact, all news channels are carrying a live stream in India, too, and every Indian feels the same emotions five thousand miles away!

Kajol : I think I am going to cry myself!

SRK : What can I say…this movie is a winner. Bravo!

Kajol :  And already, every time I think of Melbourne, mere dil mein kuch kuch ho raha hai!

SRK : And I can already imagine our fans flocking to their travel agents to make their Australia bookings. It’s almost like we are beseeching them – “it’s your time to visit Melbourne NOW!”

The very popular Collins Street of Melbourne

Kajol : By the way, who was it who calls to say that there is a bomb on the train?

SRK : Yes, I am curious, too!

KJo : It’s the judge! Actually, there really is a bomb on the train! You see, the film ends with a teaser for Part II of this film…in which the judge is really a terrorist!

Kajol : Oh my God!

KJo : Isn’t that a great twist?

SRK : Better than great! Main kurbaan jaun aapke idea par!

Kajol : But listen Jo-Kar, why don’t you cast yourself in the film? You’ve been a director, a fashion designer, a compere, a host and a judge. Obviously, acting is the next logical move for you.

SRK : Yes, ab acting mein apna johar dikhao! Waise, what part do you think he should play?

Kajol : He could be the hero’s best friend. We could call him Sid!

SRK : Perfect. Raj-Pooja-Sid! Yeh dostana achcha chalega! I am already thrilled!

KJo : Yes, why not? Perhaps I can be the reason why Raj never got together with Poo all this while!


This blog post is all in jest, obviously, except that it really is your time to visit Melbourne now! For more details about what to find there, and how to get there, do visit :

The popular and tourist friendly Bourke Street of Melbourne

Dirty Harry!

As you know HRH Prince Harry was recently caught with his pants missing in a Vegas hotel. So, what do you think happened the moment Happy Harry first realized that the royal jewels were on display to the entire world? Worry about grandma and the future of the British monarchy? Not quite. The first thing he did was make a call to the hotel’s ever reliable lost-and-found department. And as is true with all customer service calls made in the US, that phone call that originated from the Presidential Suite of The Encore was routed to a hapless Vijay Kumar in Gurgaon, India.

Here is what ensued thereafter.

Embarrassed Much?
(Photo courtesy Google and The Independent)

Call Centre : Encore Hotels and Resorts Lost and Found Department. This is Vijay speaking. How can I help you?

Prince Harry : I am calling to report some missing items from my hotel room! Presidential Suite!

Call Centre : I will be glad to help you, Sir. Please can you give me some personal details first?

Prince Harry : Ok, what do you want to know?

Call Centre : Your name?

Prince Harry : Henry Charles Albert David.

Call Centre : Huh? Just your name, Sir, I don’t need the names of your friends and family members.

Prince Harry : Oh blimey! That is just my name. Ok, why don’t you just put down Henry Charles as the name?

Call Centre : Ok, Mr. Charles. Father’s name?

Prince Harry : It’s Henry.

Call Centre : Your father’s name is also Henry?

Prince Harry : I mean my name is Henry. Don’t call me Mr. Charles!

Call Centre : But your name is Mr. Henry Charles, no?

Prince Harry : Yes. But I am not known as Mr. Charles. I am known as Prince…Oh, never mind. Call me whatever!

Call Centre : I could call you Mr. Prince Charles, if you prefer?

Prince Harry : For fuck’s sake! Call me Henry. Just call me Henry!

Call Centre : Ok, Mr. Henry. Father’s name?

Prince Harry : Why do you need that?

Call Centre : Just a matter of policy, Sir.

Prince Harry : Charles Philip Arthur George.

Call Centre : Sir…

Prince Harry : Oh crap…I mean, Charles Philip.

Call Centre : Wife’s name?

Prince Harry : Oh, bloody hell, why do you need that for?

Call Centre : Sorry, Mr. Henry. You don’t need to give that information if it’s of a sensitive nature. I understand that you are calling from Las Vegas and spousal information can be sensitive.

Prince Harry : There is no bloody wife, ok?

Call Centre : I’m sorry, Mr. Henry, for having brought up a sensitive topic for you.

Prince Harry : Fu…! Ok, sure. Can I just lodge my complaint? Please?

Call Centre : Yes, Mr. Henry. What can I help you with today?

Prince Harry : I am missing my pants and my trousers!

Call Centre : I see, Sir. But what exactly do you mean by “my pants and my trousers”?

Prince Harry : I mean just that – I am missing my pants and my trousers! What is so difficult to understand?

Call Centre : Do you mean you are missing 2 pants?

Prince Harry : No, my dear man, I mean pants and trousers!

Call Centre : But, Sir, don’t they mean the same thing? It’s like saying – I am missing a cellphone and a mobile phone. But that would really mean – I am missing 2 cellphones, wouldn’t it?

Prince Harry : Cor! Pants, as in underpants, and trousers as in…pants, I guess!

Call Centre : Oh I see now, Mr. Henry. You mean you are missing your underwear and your pants. I am happy to help you with that. But first, I will need some details on the missing items.

Prince Harry : Sure, what do you want to know?

Call Centre : Please can you describe your underwear in 100 characters?

Prince Harry : 100 characters? Why 100 characters?

Call Centre : That is because we release this information to all our hotel employees as a tweet and a Facebook post so that it is easier for them to keep an eye out for the missing items. We have observed that no one reads notice boards any more. But they do check Twitter and Facebook.

Prince Harry : Ok, I see. Very efficient. But why 100? If it’s a tweet, shouldn’t it be 140?

Call Centre : It could, if you didn’t want any contact information attached to that tweet. How will the finder know what to do with the information?

Prince Harry : Yes, yes, quite.

Call Centre : Thank you for understanding, Mr. Henry. Ready when you are.

Prince Harry : Oh, ok. Let’s see. How about – Missing pink coloured boxer shorts with picture of Mickey Mouse on the crotch and Donald Duck on the butt. Size Large. Inscribed with the letters HRH Prince Henry in gold.

Call Centre : Very long, Mr. Henry.

Prince Harry : No, I don’t think they are very long. Normal length. They come up to about my lower thigh.

Call Centre : I meant the tweet, Mr. Henry. It is too long.

Prince Harry : Crikey! Ok, how about – Missing pink coloured boxer shorts with pictures of Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse. Size Large. Inscribed with the letters HRH Prince Henry in gold.

Call Centre : No.

Prince Harry : Missing large pink boxer shorts with Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse. Inscribed with HRH Prince Henry. Happy?

Call Centre : That’s a perfect fit, Mr. Henry. And the pants?

Prince Harry : How about – Missing Brown Pants.

Call Centre : That’s it?

Prince Harry : Yes. What do you want me to say – that it has buttons and a zipper?

Call Centre : As you wish, Mr. Henry. And, where was the last place you saw these missing items?

Prince Harry : On me. I saw them on me.

Call Centre : And what were you doing when you suddenly realized they were missing?

Prince Harry : That is none of your business!

Call Centre : Oh I see. Sensitive topic, Mr. Henry.

Prince Harry : Stop saying that! Just…!

Call Centre : I am sorry, Mr. Henry. And would you say that you misplaced these items through your own carelessness or were they stolen?

Prince Harry : Err…not sure…one could say that it was my own carelessness…

Call Centre : I will need a precise answer, Mr. Henry. It will help us locate the missing items faster.

Prince Harry : All right, all right! I was smashed, ok? Hammered! Plastered! Wasted!

Call Centre : Oh! I am very sorry to hear that, Mr. Henry! Were you violently attacked in your room? Can you describe your attackers? Could they be the ones who removed your underwear?

Prince Harry : Motherf….! No, I meant I was drunk! Drunk!! I don’t know when my clothes were gone and where they went! Just help me get them back. That’s all. Really, I can’t do this any more!

Call Centre : I am sorry, Mr. Henry. I am only trying to help you. Do you have any pictures of the missing items?

Prince Harry : <mumbles>

Call Centre : Mr. Henry, are you still there?

Prince Harry : No, I have no pictures of my underwear and pants. God!

Call Centre : One last question, Mr. Henry. Who can we contact alternatively if we locate the missing items? I see that you haven’t provided your wife’s contact details.


Call Centre : Then? Your parents? You know what – people sometimes give their grandparents details. It is our observation that grandparents are usually very non-judgmental about their grandchildren’s activities in Vegas. Very forgiving. I think that may be best.

Prince Harry : NO, NO GRANDPARENTS! You fucking hear me?

Call Centre : Yes, Mr. Henry. I am only trying to help you. Sorry for raising a sensit…

Prince Harry : DON’T SAY IT…Just. Don’t. Say. It. Again.

Call Centre : I am sorry, Mr. Henry.

Prince Harry : Is there anything else you need from me?

Call Centre : Yes, Mr. Henry. Just your forwarding address. Oh, wait, looks like I can pull that up from the computer. It says, Windsor Castle, London, UK. Is that correct?

Prince Harry : Yes.

Call Centre : Oh great. If I may say so, Sir, I have always wanted to visit London. But they say that it is very rainy there. Do you think there will be a storm when you get home?

Prince Harry : Hah…will there be a shit of a storm when I get home…

Call Centre : I am very sorry to hear that, Mr. Henry. Well, do carry an umbrella! Ok, that’s it, Mr. Henry, I have everything that I need. Is there anything else I can help you with?

Prince Harry : NO!

Call Centre : Thanks for calling Encore Hotels and Resorts Lost and Found Department. You were speaking with Vijay. May you have a very pleasant stay in Vegas.

Prince Harry : <mumbles> Thank you. <mumbles>