Indian Railway : 22nd Century Up!
(The Times Of India News Service)
Shri Ganesh to the 22nd Century!
New Delhi : February 26, 2013 : The Union Railway Minister Pawan Kumar Bansal presented his first budget in Parliament today. Experts, parliamentarians and common citizenry are universally hailing it as the most glorious rail budget ever made since the invention of the Steam Engine in 1781. This farsighted budget has, in a giant master stroke, erased the combined losses of Rs. 24,342 crores that Indian Railway has accumulated over the years, and transported it to the 22nd century much ahead of schedule.
The measures announced today are expected to effectively deal with expansion of passenger capacity, passenger comfort and rail safety. Revenues sourced from both passenger and freight services are expected to treble, with only a marginal increase in expenses. No fare increase was proposed.
In a bold and far reaching move, the Minister announced that all trains, no matter how fast or slow, will now be referred to as ‘ultra superfast express’. Taking a leaf out of the French train naming convention, where such trains are simply called TGV (Train a Grande Vitesse, or Very High Speed Train), Indian Railway will title their trains as Tatkal-Tivrata or TAT-TI for short. Three trains have been shortlisted for immediate name change – Poorvanchal Tatti, Shramjeevi Tatti and Shan-e-Punjab Tatti.
Interestingly, this change will not just be limited to name only. The locomotives pulling these trains will now bear new speedometers where a “0” will penciled in after each number on the dial. So a train running at 40 kms per hour earlier will now be deemed to be doing 400 kmph, easily beating the fastest trains from Japan, China and continental Europe. The fastest Indian train, the Bhopal Shatabdi Tatti, is now expected to gush at over 1000 kms per hour, comprehensively breaking the sound barrier.
“We are world beaters once again!” announced the Minister amid the din of thumping desks in the Lok Sabha.
An innovative approach to effectively deal with safety issues plaguing the railways has also been proposed in the budget. “Safety is paramount. I have a 3-word answer to deal with accidents due to signaling and human error. Respected Madam Speaker, the answer is ‘Non-Stop Horn’”, declared the Minister. Non-stop tooting by the train engine is expected to keep the driver, passengers and everyone in the 25 km vicinity of every train wide awake and ever watchful. Experts agreed with this assessment. “Genius solution!” remarked Prof. A.K. Acharya. “Why couldn’t anyone think of this solution earlier? Was the government asleep?” he added questioningly. Prof. Acharya is Senior Vice President at Hasbro Toys where he manages the toy train sets division.
Unlike moribund policies of the past, the current budget proposes drastic changes to mop up additional revenue from freight. Goods trains will now bear open-air seating on their roofs, opening a brand new revenue stream for the ministry. Ticket price will be kept in line with 3-tier Non-AC. A ladder to climb up to the roof, and an umbrella, will be provided to passengers at nominal costs. However, to contain costs, no bedding or pantry services will be available.
Passenger capacity is also being augmented in other unique ways without incurring additional rolling stock expenditure. The Minister announced that all train toilets are being disbanded with immediate effect. These spaces will be refitted as sleepers and chair cars. In lieu of public conveniences, each paying train passenger will now be provided an earthen lota which they are free to use as they wish. Given that all trains make frequent unscheduled stops along our nation’s picturesque countryside, passengers will have ample opportunity of simply hopping on and off to answer a call of nature at their convenience. Most train passengers interviewed for this report heaved a sigh of relief at the new benefit, including those seated 100 feet around train toilets and had been holding their breath for several hours. Rama Devi, a passenger interviewed on the Patna-Indore Express seated a mere ten feet from the train toilet managed to mumble “Fantastic news!” before succumbing to the odours in the bogey.
The Minister made it clear that, as always, in case of dire emergency, or whenever one felt like doing it, the ‘chain’ could be pulled to instantly stop the train and fifty others behind it.
The Minister lamented that passenger comfort had taken a back seat in the past few budgets and was eager to bring it back as a key focus area. To that end, he proposed a repainting of the interiors of all bogies to be carried out on a war footing in the current fiscal. A dual-tone colour scheme has been selected. From the ground to a height of 3 feet, all train surfaces will be painted a shade of reddish-orange. Surfaces above that height will now bear the inviting shade of dark brownish-greyish-black. The new paint scheme is being called ‘Bhartiya Rail Rangoli’ and is expected to uniquely complement the millions of passengers who enjoy oiled hair and paan, and like to touch and feel things around them constantly.
Politicians cutting across party lines gushed at the “best railway budget ever”. West Bengal Chief Minister Mamata Banerji tweeted, “Best rail bhaajet : beeg ween for TMC”. Later, however, she retracted the tweet, possibly after realizing that her party was not in the government any more.
Earlier in the day, before the budget was even presented, there was an air of exhilaration pervading through the Parliament. Many Members of Parliament were seen locked to their iPads canceling impending flight trips. “I will use my rail quota myself instead of giving it away to my in-laws,” said Kumari Selja, when asked for her expectations from the budget. The minister, considered to be single until now, however refused to divulge any details on the ‘in-laws’ despite persistent questioning.
You always amaze and amuse me. The railways will provide a free lota. …magar paani?? Yeh toh mineestar ne socha he nahi!
Sara sochne ka kaam Minister karega toh hum aur aap kya karenge?
Tat-ti??
HAHHAH! I am quite good at it, too!
i shall take all my budget updates from you atleast i can understand the finer points in details !! Economic times always confuses the shit out of me !!
It’s quite a mystery to me why I am not on the ET and TOI payroll already!
oho Rickie .. if they disband the toilets where will people travelling without ticket hide when the TT enters the compartment
So from this week onwards I would be travelling in New Delhi – Chandigarh tatti
Remind me to eat nothing in the train !
Nothing to fear any more – eat and drink as much as you please! Ab jab train mein toilet hi nahi hoga toh why worry about ‘toilet use karna pada toh?’?
And the Akhil Bhartiya Rajiv Gandhi Railway Wi Fi Yojna will provide internet access to passengers on agreeing to the terms and conditions which will be written in Bold, Caps, as dictated by Kapil Sibal. People who don’t adhere to these guidelines will not be allowed to travel.
The ABRGRWFY is already a reality! Oh, and since Starbucks functions only when it has at least a 100 people thronging around it, all railway station platforms will now be required to have a Starbucks!
And what will they call the Shatabdi Tat-ti in English? The Shatabdi loose motion train?
I was thinking that they will start triple decker trains under the Rajiv-Gandhi-Chalte-phirte-garib-ghar yojna. The homeless can actually live in those and it will remove the burden from our roads.
You made me laugh out loud in the office. Now that is rare.
That sounds like another apt use of the “Rajiv Gandhi Yojna” tag!
And I am sure you didn’t laugh because of the post. It’s probably hysteria – at the mere thought of what mindboggling antics your fellow cab passengers might be up to this evening!
Kumari Selja is going to gun for you, Rickie…
The post is indeed hilarious… would love to read a full-length novel written by you.
Arvind Passey
http://www.passey.info
So that rules her out as the Chief Guest at my book launch, right?
Oh man, Hilarious..Bharatiya Rail Rangoli
I did write up a micro blog post in facebook as I listened to his announcements.
https://www.facebook.com/sunil.ramavarapu/posts/4787860569384?comment_id=54834777¬if_t=feed_comment
Sunil
http://www.sunilspeaks.me
Hah! Just read! Clearly, you and I need to be called in as experts!
Rickie, seriously hilarious
. It is only apt that the trains be named tatti after we get ample darshan on the tracks, at stations and in toilets. Looks like all people in power do is shit on our sensibilities. You quite literally brought shit to centerstage. Nothing about the icky diarrhea-inducing railway khana 
?
You guessed the main thought that kept bouncing around in my head when I started writing this…and especially after having made a less than stellar train trip back from Kolkata in December last year. Our group had romanticized about a ‘Train Trip’ (bada maza aayega!)…so we went Delhi-Kolkata by air, and returned on the Howrah Duronto. The first 2 hours were great…and after that I couldn’t wait to get off that godforsaken shit hole. And this is the experience on probably one of the most premier trains we have!
Raj-shit-dani! And you’ve no idea how frightening the toilet using experience is for kids. My younger son cried so much when he had to do potty in the train that even one day after the journey he could not shit. They get instantly constipated at the thought of using the toilet in the train
. The stink is nauseating. Just thinking about it makes me want to puke. I have heard such horror tales about the food that I’d rather eat homemade puris for a day but won’t touch the crap they serve with a barge pole.
You remember that Sholay dialogue – Beta so ja, nahi to Gabbar aa jayega?
Reading your comment, I was visualizing you scolding your kids with a – Beta so ja, nahi to hum fir se train mein jayenge!
Sorry to be striking a sour note here but the Bhopal Shatabdi Tatti is not safe from accidents despite ‘Non-stop Horn’ since it has comprehensively broken the sound barrier
Nit-picking of me to cavil about one train when all other trains have been safeguarded – or have they considering that the sound barrier is not as high as 100KMph? 
Rickie, you outdo yourself every time and I unfortunately cannot do the same in adequately expressing my appreciation
Knowing your adventurous nature, I feel you’ll be going for the roof-travel on the Bhopal Maal gaadi next time you have to go there!
And, don’t worry, Suresh…you are already doing awfully well with the compliments!
And I was hoping they will announce toilets worth Rs 35 lakhs the ones like in Planning Commission.
Anti cliamx.You guys are still discussing Lotas
35 lakhs per bogey per train….can you imagine how many fact-finding missions to Switzerland and New Zealand by railway officials that translates to??
OhO,,Swiss visits are for still better reasons
Tatkal Tivrata – even if you stopped writing at that – the post would be solid gold (no pun intended
). Very clever, fast paced and of course – as always witty-shitty 
I hope it makes you want to run to the Railways website and spend 3 hours to book a ticket, right?
ROFL .. this is hilarious …
TAT-TI …lol got to be very careful from now onwards as to whether to eat anything or not before i start my journey coz it’s gonna be TATTI all over
Nahi nahi, khoob khao. Aakhir ab dirty toilets ki toh koi chinta hi nahi hai!
RICKIE ,it is mind blowing nd i can ensure that if mr. bansal ever read ur blog would not hesitate in consulting u for d changes. oh god! ur ideas of TAT-TI , goods train nd d lota r amusing. hats off.
Haha…I must remind myself to stay close to my phone…who knows when Bansal saab might call?
Hilarious, as always. But the sad truth is that Railways has been milked for so long that it is in coma. Using a train loo is my worst nightmare.
In fact, Railways deteriorated after Madhav Rao Scindia left as the Railway Minister and thereafter it was a steep downfall from Jaffer Sharif to Laloo to Mamta. My dad retired as CMS Northern Railway, so I know the inside story.
Alka, how does Laloo Yadav have such a great reformist image as Railway Minister? Is it just good PR?
Now what can i say-it has all been said!I must say you have a unique approach to things–should we,or should we not vote you in as the next Railway Minister?
Who knows what you will think of next!!!!!!!
I did the needful of giving the best possible advice! Clearly, these steps will make Indian Railway world beaters!
I was having my breakfast when I decided to read your post. Bad idea! Someone compared Indian Railways to the largest toilet track on the world and rightfully so.
But I still feel Mamata Di’s exit was the best thing to have happened to Indian Railways.
I would say that’s a fairly typical reaction. Once you read of all the exciting changes on the anvil, who wants breakfast!
So, will you be going for the Duronto Tat-ti for your next Cal trip?
On a serious note… this one tickled my funny bone..
I dint read the railway budget so seriously like I did your post..
The non-stop horning, the new color scheme, renaming that we are so good at, the toilet goes missing…. Ha ha ha … I can’t stop laughing..
As you can see, thrilling times ahead for our Railways!
Hilarious Mr Colesaw!!
fc*klove
If it has made you plan a train trip immediately, even if it is only to the town next door, this post can be called successful!
for someone who has worked in the railway consultancy sector in India for some time now…i can tell you that the Ministry of Ralways babus need to speed up their thought process by 100 years!!!
ministers have no or little knowledge of the technologies and this is one ministry run practically by babus!!! and if they dont change, nothing in MOR will!!
MOr has been deemed a difficult client by almost all consultancies who are working in railway sector!!
http://www.myunfinishedlife.com/
I’m sorry, I don’t know how I missed your comment!
This is indeed sad. Sad that we can take something so spectacular and run it to the ground. My family, friends and I made a trip to Kolkata last December. We went by air but decided to make a train trip back on the Duronto for old times sake – we just thought it would be a charming experience. I was travelling by train for the first time since 1996! My verdict? NEVER AGAIN. Ever!