When Hell Freezes Over

Is it just me or does anyone else also feel that January hardly ever turns out to be that stellar beginning that we all want our new year to have?

Let’s face it, January is never a good month for anyone. It marks the end of vacations (that’s a big problem right there, see?) and the resumption of work, emails, conference calls and the year-end appraisal process. The traffic is awful because everyone is back to their wrong-ways on the roads, despite the Dense Fog. The Dense Fog itself is an invention of airline companies so that they can happily make paper planes with their schedules and then poke our eyes with them. And, have you observed how suddenly this Dense Fog wafts into your life at the most inopportune moment – like, when you are about to leave home for a long-awaited dinner party 25 miles away? Or, when you must pick up an elderly relative from the station when his train arrives – the one that is running with a delay of…umm…anywhere between 2 to 36 hours?

January means acting on New Year resolutions about things you have to resolve yourself into doing because, frankly, there is no way you would do them with a sane mind. Like, ‘I will go to the gym five days a week’, or the death-wish to slip into those jeans from 2010. Or give up Vodka! I mean, really, who are we kidding? Give up Vodka? In this weather? If December is already cold, January is like God teaching Al Gore some kind of a twisted lesson. And have you noticed that frequent urge to pee that seems to get triggered by the mere sighting of water? The eternal conflict between a bursting bladder and the warm razaai, and you cringing in the middle of it, trying your damndest to stay away from your Siberian-cold toilet for as long as possible. It’s the month when morning showers are quickly dispensed with, and strong deodorants are celebrated as your armpits’ best friends. The jaanghiye and baniyaans take at least four days to go from wet to still-damp when you put them on. And then, there are all those pages of your cheque-book that you have to scratch and destroy because you can’t seem to get the bloody year right in the date field. As if signature-matching wasn’t problem enough.

Makes you doubt if that fancy New Year Eve party at the 5-star hotel was really worth breaking your Fixed Deposit for. All that naach-gaana, drunken buffoonery and Facebook check-ins. Such a premature ejaculation of happiness. And for what? January? Like they say, premature of nothing is ever good.

Strange wonder, then, how we still never learn. How we never wait until February to make New Beginnings. Or, better still, March. That one word even has entire phrases like ‘We shall overcome!’, ‘Press ahead!’ and ‘Go seek your destiny!’ built right into its definition!

No, January it always is.

Despite all the miseries I have spoken of above, January is when everyone chooses to soar their highest, only to then land on their backsides with a resounding phus. It is the month that Sallu Tiger picks for the release of his latest magnum opus. The man is sure ballsy but such a pity that his movies only ever smell of the kind made of naphthalene. “Maa Kasam!” you exclaim using the endearing ‘70s vernacular equivalent of the modern-day ‘Holy fuck!’, as you shake your head and exit the theatre after watching ‘Jai Ho’, “that was way too soon after Uday Chopra!”

Then there is that other charmer, Rahul Gandhi, who has shamed until eternity all parents who once adoringly named their sons Pappu or Prince. (Side note : The ones who named their children Prince Pappu or vice versa deserve to be shamed). Indolent Gandhiji lands a January-date with insolent Go-Swamiji, the dimpled man feeling strangely plenty empowered to boldly go where no man has gone before and has ever returned unscathed. The assumption, possibly, being that the cold of the winter hardens ear wax, making all the 1.2 billion people watching Times TV go temporarily deaf – simply unable to hear what is being said.

The less said about the Indian Cricket Team the better. Its gravest nemesis is the Republic of India Passport that allows it to spend its January in the sunny summer of a distant land, where flightless birds and Hobbits can shit on its face repeatedly and with alarming accuracy.

So, no matter whether your name is Kejriwal, Khobragade or something much easier on the lips, January is not likely the most auspicious month for New Beginnings. It’s more like, ‘Let’s Seize the Day some other day’. Frankly, why even look for a reason to delay rolling in the good times? There are 365 days in a year, after all.

So why Day 1? I say, Day 32 (or Day 60) sounds just as good as any to ring in the New Year!

Happy February (Happiness of the visual is courtesy Google - what would Bloggers do without it?)

Happy February
(This Visual Happiness is brought to you by Google – a Bloggers best friend)

Comments

comments

46 thoughts on “When Hell Freezes Over

  1. blogwatig

    Oho, you really cannot ‘not like’ January? Do you? Does this mean that you will be celebrating Valentine’s Day jor shor se? Let me know………..I shall await!

    BTW, the pee and the cheques, sooooooooooooooo darn true! Nice to have blog post from you. Don’t get lost now!

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Can’t promise that I will be regular. Just felt like writing on nothing in particular, and this is what I ended up with. I am getting rusty on writing small pieces.
      Glad you stopped by! Thanks.
      Yes, VD. Curious initials, don’t you think?

      Reply
  2. mahabore

    I have to agree with you whole heartedly when you say that New Year has to be shifted to Mar when it is brighter, warmer and in general things are a little more hospitable. But my only fear is that after ten odd years of March being the New Year, you might just end up writing a post cribbing about that as well, wanting the New Year to be moved to July. What then :D

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Glad that we share the same opinion! And I do understand your fears about March’s fate in a few years. Yes, it’s a risk, sure. Thankfully, there are 9 other months to choose from when we get bored of March, too!
      Thanks for reading.

      Reply
  3. jaishvats

    I totally agree. Leave Jan aside; it’s like 31st De midnight is the only time one can make resolutions. Else the whole world waits for the next 31st Dec. Loved that line about getting the dates wrong. That never leaves us eh ?

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      We never learn, do we? The same old story every New Year Eve! I think this year, I will make my New Year Resolutions at another random date – say October 4th!
      Thanks for stopping by.

      Reply
  4. Ruch

    Inspite of January being my birthday month, its my least favorite month.Honestly dont really understand what the hullabaloo is all about ! Good to see a post here !

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Maybe we are just so pumped with all the sugar in the gajjak and rewri that we don’t realize how high with misplaced excitement we are.
      Though, I am sure having one’s birthday is a great reason to celebrate, especially when it comes with BIG gifts!
      Thanks for reading, Ruch.

      Reply
  5. Rachna

    Oho, you came through on your promise! Good to see you back with your blog writing. Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn for January! So, I completely agree with what you say. Though I love January because there is some semblance of winter in the beautiful place I stay. Is it the old age or in general, that these mundane things don’t really make a difference to me? And you are absolutely right. I restarted my Yoga from November. I guess whenever fancy or motivation strikes is the right time. New year Resolutions are not for me. I almost missed this post, you know :-). Guess where I found it, IB of all places. Ping me next time you post, to be on the safer side.

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Hah…I am glad you found me. By IB you mean IndiBlogger? That’s the only place (IndiVine – where I posted this for my four IndiVine contacts!) that I could think of posting this, considering I have burned down my biggest channel of publicity (Facebook) myself! And now I have a bunch of comments from folks like Purba on my Facebook widget on the blog that I can’t even respond to. Drat!
      Yes, will ping you next time, but only if I feel the piece is even worth reading! :P
      Thanks for stopping by.

      Reply
      1. Rachna

        Yep, Indiblogger! You wouldn’t believe but I got maximum comments on my blog last year via FB. If you are blogging, you’d better be on FB ;-). For the time being, just deactivate the FB comment plugin. And copy paste all the comments of the plugin here and respond to them.

        Reply
  6. Rainbow Hues

    Wonderful hate-post! :P

    Well, January is actually my favorite month and I really have never had any complaints from it. But now that you mention all this…ah well…

    Glad to have to back on blogosphere :)

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Kajal, you are one of the few people I know who love January – well, good for you! Would be wonderful if you wrote a post to counter points!
      Yes, this was a post after several months. I hope the next one happens before the cob-webs on my blog reappear!
      Thanks for reading.

      Reply
  7. AlkaGurha

    Is this some sort of trick Rickie? Aamir style.That you disappear before a major release? Because people are missing your presence so much that they lap your post in minutes. Regardless, January was fun.Hope February is even better.
    Cant get over the Hindi equivalent of underpants…LOL.

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      To be frank, I had expected the break to be much longer at a few weeks rather than just a few hours that it eventually ended up being! But it is always wonderful to be missed – why deny what is so obvious! :P
      Good that your January was fun. I wish that the rest of your year is ever better!
      Thanks for reading, Alka.

      Reply
  8. janakinagaraj

    Back with a bang! So many comments in just an hour! We missed your writing…no?
    Well, this January has been extra meharbaan on me. I don’t complain about the months, but weather? Yes. i can’t bear cold.

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      ‘Back with a bang’ toh pata nahi, but yes, it was enjoyable to write a post after so long. (I remember my promise to you! Will act on it very soon.)
      Well, good for you if the month has been swell. May the remainder of the year be even better!
      Thanks for reading.

      Reply
  9. purbaray

    Such a premature ejaculation of excitement for January , will be etched in my heart for ever :D

    Btw, I think it’s the damn weather that makes all difference. It’s too cold, too foggy to feel sunny. And to make it worse, 26 January chose Sunday to make an appearance.

    Great to read you after such a long gap, Rickie.

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Glad to be back, Purba. Despite the book project that is taking much of my time, I hope I manage a sporadic post or two for the next couple of months…writing nonsense about nothing is so cathartic!
      Yes, this January was perhaps quite awful for kids and adults alike. What could be more terrible than a National Holiday falling on a Sunday!
      Thanks for reading.

      Reply
  10. ritzy182000

    oh well……January 2015 will be pretty wary of arriving, now that you have stripped it to shame…forever…….i wonder what kind of fortune awaits february, which is no better than its predecessor in many ways. And with the mushy V-day in its kitty, you have got a month, all ready and designed to be lambasted :P

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Hah! Well, come December 2014 and people would have forgotten this fervent effort of mine to open their eyes about January!
      And yes, that February mush fest that you are talking about has not lost my attention. Did write a piece on Valentine’s Day last year. I think I will brush it up and re-release it!
      Thanks for stopping by.

      Reply
  11. C. Suresh

    Absence has not rendered your wit dull. Amazing as ever. And, does it matter WHO Arnab purports to interview? I mean when all you hear is the man himself talking why make such a song-and-dance about a mere sounding board? :)

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Very happy that you enjoyed the post, Suresh! And yes, you are right about Arnab. But now, after reading your comment, I have an image of the man doing that ‘song-and-dance’ Bollywood-style…and I can’t seem to get the mental picture out of my head!
      Thanks for reading.

      Reply
  12. Pingback: Sunday Brunch (#3) | Serenely Rapt

      1. vishalbheeroo

        hehe!! Bechara Rahul. Love the post, ur at ur best Rickie.
        Hey, just have a look @http://vishalbheeroo.wordpress.com/2014/01/29/amul-baby-face-a-case-study-attempt-on-rahul-baba/

        Reply
  13. Seeta

    Thank you! For giving me enough reasons to justify my so so feelings for January.. Now I know why I didn’t like the month so much :D Keep them coming, there are way too many readers out here waiting to lap up your posts.

    P.S- premature ejaculation of happiness… that line is going into my dictionary :P

    Reply
  14. Santulan

    I personally don’t mind the cold.. It’s such a bliss to sleep with the fan on in the winters, and then wake up in the middle of the night to slow it down. Then again these are not the northern winters. I have had only one brush with the northern winters when I had come to Dilli for the Auto Expo in my final year of Engineering. Early morning I went to the toilet in the train to do my my business when a gust of cold wind swept up my pichhwada. Needless to say, I decided to hold it till I reached the comforts of a hotel.

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Hah…your train story reminded me of mine. I traveled from Kolkata to Delhi by Rajdhani in Dec 2012, my idea of ‘romanticising’ my vacation by doing one leg of the travel by rail. It was my first train ride in probably 30 years. Needless to say, the experience was terrible, with the bathroom ‘breaks’ being astonishingly awful! Never again. Never!
      Glad you stopped by to read. Thank you!

      Reply

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