The First Diwali – The Untold Backstory Of What Transpired When Lord Rama Returned Home

 

Glad to have you back!

 

As the official Pushpak Airlines plane on special duty taxied to a stop, the royal Super Couple and their Sidekick breathed a sigh of relief. It had been a long, tedious flight from Colombo, Sri Lanka, and even though the plane was the best in the airline’s stable, it was still in a fairly ramshackle condition. ‘And this after Bharata has pumped billions of rupees trying to resurrect this so called King Of Maharaja-like Times’, Lord Rama had lamented to himself onboard just a few hours ago. He had been observing Sita make futile attempts to get the entertainment system to work, finally giving up when her headphones broke into two. Thankfully, Lakshmana had slept through most the flight but not after he had blown his top at the flight crew at the bad alcohol selection in the bar menu. “What do you mean you don’t serve Single Malt? Don’t you know who I am?” had been hurled at the shitless flight attendant. ‘I must do something about his anger management issues once we settle in’, the concerned elder brother thought, observing Lakshmana’s perpetually furrowed forehead. ’14 years without sex. That’s gotta be rough.’

“And about time, too!” said Sita as the seat belt sign switched off. “I need a fucking shower so bad I am even willing to walk through fire to get one! Get a move on, guys! Chop, chop!”

‘That makes two. In need of extensive psychiatric therapy’, Lord Rama thought. The newly potty-mouthed lady had been behaving unhinged since her rescue. “Are you telling me that you were busy gallivanting with these godforsaken monkeys while I was roughing it out under this fucking tree?” she had yelled when Lord Rama and his anthropoidal rescue team finally showed up at Ashoka Vatika, the kidnapper’s lair. “Why couldn’t you frigging go to Bharata and get some real help right away? You know, like real soldiers with real weapons?”

‘Hmm, good point…I wonder why I never thought of that’, Lord Rama pondered in reminiscence. ‘Anyway, I think she went batty at the sight of talking monkeys’, he consoled himself. Also, sadly, one picks up unholy words so easily. The foul vocabulary of Ravana’s goons, all those Bhandaranaikes, Vikramsinghes and Jayasuryas seemed to have made permanent residence in Sita’s once virginal lingo.

The airport was mostly cast in darkness as the trio walked towards the arrival hall. Just a few essential lights flickered.

“Terrorism threat?” Lakshmana asked with concern.

“No Sir, pan-Ayodhya power grid collapse,” said the airport official sheepishly. “Second time just this week alone. The whole nation is at a standstill.”

‘Uh oh!’ Lord Rama mumbled.

The resident members of the first family of the nation emerged from the VVIP lounge to greet the erstwhile Exiles. The paparazzi shutterbugs had been kept at bay by their Z+ security category, enabling the three mothers, their four sons, and their wives to shed unabashed happy tears amid incessant hugging and kissing. Emotional PDA among royalty is difficult to accomplish even on a normal day, given the clanging of heavy gold jewellery, the scrunching of expensive Chinese silks, and giant crowns and tiaras that constantly slip down to the eyes, here, one was talking of 14 years of pent up melancholia that needed to be sorted. Expectedly, no mascara was left intact.

“Hello, Chhoti Mummy”, said the eldest son.

“Hello, Beta. Very good to see you again.”

Of course, this polite embrace was fooling no one, but much water had flown down the Sarayu these past 14 years.

Once royal poise had been reclaimed, the party settled in their transportation and started to make their way back to the Presidential Palace. Bharata, Sita and Lord Rama were in one car.

“So, my dear Brother, what’s up with everything looking so beat?” enquired Lord Rama. “The airline looked like shit, there is no electricity in the city, and,” he coughed, “even the air feels smoggy,” just as the car flung itself into yet another massive pothole. It had not been an opportune time for Sita to be putting on lipstick after 14 long years.

“Mother of …!”

The brothers ignored her.

“Sorry, Brother, things are indeed quite bad. We have been floundering. The national morale is down, infrastructure is in pieces, there are massive scams each day. General malaise. No direction, no decision making. And all that the bloody media is concerned with is getting the real scoop on what happened between Sita Bhabhi and Ravana when they were together!”

“No way! These fucking mother … Wait till I get my hands on them, these mother fuckers!” blasted the angry lady. Of course, no one would have taken her seriously if one could see her right now – with a giant lipstick gash from her upper lip all along her right cheek.

“Calm down, Bhabhi. We will sort it out. Once we do your makeover, we will have you do press interviews, Koffee with Karan etc. The Times of Ayodhya newspaper is in our pocket. We will make sure you are popular again.”

“Cocksucking assholes.”

‘Wow’, thought the husband. ‘Not quite TV-ready just yet, are we.’

“So what has kept you from running the nation? From taking decisions?” he resumed with his brother.

“But what was I to do? I am no king. I have just been minding the store! Keeping my head down. Staying quiet. Totally mum, actually. Just waiting for directions.”

“Directions? From whom? You are the bloody King!”

“In name only, dear Brother. I am just a remote control, remember?”

Hein? Then who is, pray, controlling this remote control, my dear man? Your mummy? ”

“No, no, don’t you remember? It’s your Slippers! They are running the nation! I took them 14 years ago when I saw you in the forest. I have just let the Royal Slippers show us the path these past 14 years.”

‘Shit on toast’, thought Lord Rama. ‘Is everyone absolutely cuckoo in this family?’

“But now that you are back, dear Brother, please take your country back. This really isn’t my scene. I am done with politics. I am going to take some time off now. I think I’ll start a blog. Or write a novel – a mythological thriller, actually! Maybe even a teenage love story!”

Lord Rama wasn’t listening any more. ‘It will take a lot to get this place back to shape. I will have to hire a completely new cabinet. Put resources around infrastructure and human resource development. Provide jobs. Stamp out corruption. In fact, suck out all the negativity. Give a positive spin to everything. Look confident. For starters, hire a new Public Relations Expert. Yes, that’s what I will do first. Make everything sound good and cheerful – like, help is on its way. Like, it will be all right soon!’

‘Which also means that my personal life is screwed. No rest. No holiday. No distractions. No Sita, no moms, no brothers, no family. Certainly no kids. Just work, work, work. There is no other way to turn this ship around.’

He sighed silently.

“I don’t feel so good,” said Sita suddenly. “Like, I am nauseous all of a sudden. Maybe I am coming down with the flu? And my stomach hurts, too.”

The brothers ignored her. Lord Rama was still lost in thought, gazing out the car window.

“What are all these folks up to? Why are they lighting diyas all around their houses?”

“Must be because of the power grid failure. These poor sods have got to plough on, I guess. What choice do they have? God knows when the electricity is going to be back. Last time it took 36 hours!”

Lord Rama pondered in silence. ‘I think I may already have an assignment for the PR team.

“I say this is a celebration. The countryfolks are simply delighted to have me back in Ayodhya after 14 years and they are lighting diyas to welcome me back. Yes, let’s stick to that thought. This is a celebration – a, what shall we call it, a Festival of Lights!”

“Can we do that? Make people believe something that isn’t there?” said the younger brother questioningly.

“Of course we can. Let’s think of a catchy name! Perhaps something that has Diya or Deep in it.”

The younger brother nodded in agreement. ‘It is so good to finally have Bade Bhaiya back’, he thought.

 

 

Comments

comments

82 thoughts on “The First Diwali – The Untold Backstory Of What Transpired When Lord Rama Returned Home

  1. The Fool

    Very creative. ” Perhaps write a novel – a mythological thriller, actually! Or maybe even a teenage love story!”” – This line was the master touch.

    Reply
      1. The Fool

        I know. Precisely the reason why I called it master touch – The way you linked it with that one. If you notice I have commented there too.

        Reply
      1. phoenixritu

        Oh yes, imagine how much work Tulsidas would have to do to sanitize her language. They would not fit into a chaupai easily

        Reply
  2. Vidya Sury

    Now, I am imagining a TV serial along these lines through my tears……of mirth.
    Thanks to Ritu for bringing me here. :D

    And a very happy “something that has Diya or Deep in it.” Happy Diwali! you bade bhaiyya of humor!

    Reply
  3. Rickie Khosla Post author

    So, since Purba was not able to post a comment here, and sent me a message on Facebook to do so on her behalf, here goes -

    Purba Ray

    My comment, since your damn site won’t let me publish it..

    This is fucking brilliant! Err….I think it’s the Sita effect rubbing in.

    A standing ovation for this masterpiece.

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      If I didn’t know you, I would have thought you were genuinely offended!
      And why poor taste? If anything, this could probably be how Rama started his quest to become the greatest king mankind has ever known! Rising like the phoenix from tinder!
      I wish I knew anything about other religions to even make an attempt at writing about them. (Not that I know much about Ramayana either except for that ‘Sankshipt Ramayan’ they taught us in junior school!) :)

      But Happy that I got you to comment on my blog post – thanks!

      Reply
  4. Rajni Singhal

    wow…super duper like Rickie …..more thn the first Diya…or deep in it or Diwali….it looks like todayz stuff ya man….jus thinkin who cud play sita best….Rakhi sawant ud do or sumone for politcl / crimnl histry…..
    A real gud article….cheers!!!

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Thanks for reading!
      It doesn’t really matter if it is Rakhi Sawant or Nandita Das, as long as they are able to portray the emotional scarring 14 years of banishment and a year of being imprisoned aptly! Surely, that takes a lot of strength, especially for a person who lived in royalty all her life :)

      Reply
  5. Zephyr

    It seems to be raining parodies of the epics this season, each outdoing the other in creativity and humour, not to speak of contemporary relevance. come to think of it, Ram must have inherited the Bharat as it is now — ailing airlines, power outages and what not! and now we know from where out politicians learnt how to window dress a calamity and make people amnesic about their troubles :) Had a good laugh in the morning, thank you!

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Thanks for reading!
      In order to rise to a Ram Rajya status, I guess one had to start at the lowest possible point. Yes, one could equate it with current Bharat!
      Plus, with the Lakshmana and Sita angle in this essay, I at least wanted to raise the point about the emotional scarring 14 years of hard living (and in Sita’s case, even worse) must have caused. Rama was God, so it probably didn’t affect him as much.

      Reply
  6. Roshni

    Hilarious!! Was Sita showing the first pregnancy symptoms?!! :D And, “shit on toast”!! That is something I used to say all the time as a teen and my friends all used to laugh and ask where I had picked that expression from!!

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      “Shit on toast” is such a tasty expression of despair! You should bring it back in your normal jargon :)
      Regarding Sita, I shall leave that to the reader’s interpretation. In my story, Rama did not need any distractions from fixing his country…so maybe her news came at the most inopportune time!
      Or maybe it was just acidity from the bad airline food – who knows! :D

      Reply
  7. indrani

    Hilarious and brilliant both!
    Looking forward to another of your take on another mythological story. :)

    Reply
  8. Sakshi

    I wonder who will run to sue you first – Lord Rama and family or Madam G and her family. Let’s see! In the mean time, you know this a brilliant piece of writing, worthy or being printed in Times of Ayodhya and what not.
    “The foul vocabulary of Ravana’s goons, all those Bhandaranaikes, Vikramsinghes and Jayasuryas seemed to have made permanent residence in Sita’s once virginal lingo.” – I have finally found an answer to my oft used/enjoyed language. :)

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      I tell you, our nation’s vocabulary has gone down the toilet ever since we started playing cricket with the Lankans!
      Meanwhile, I do have the phone numbers of a couple of good attorneys…just in case I should need one! :D

      Reply
  9. Diwakar Narayan

    Man, you ricked (I mean ‘rocked’) here. From the restlessness of Lakshman because of no copulation to the remote control episode of Bharata, all done so freakingly and awesomely! Maybe, I will come back to provide a more insightful comment. This time, I am just captivated by this piece.

    Reply
  10. Animesh

    I remember reading it earlier too, don’t know why I did not comment. Thanks for directing me to this post once again. This is hilarious I must say and while I was reading it, I could relate to current state of affairs in our country, especially running the country from remote control.
    Rickie, as always you did it :)

    Reply
  11. Rainbow Hues

    Excellent, like always Rickie. That’s some bend to ti…I as a kid used to joke too, (actually I think it was my bade bhaiya, but why give him the credit) that when rama got back because there was no electricity and people were possibly lighting evening diyas that they mistook it as a welcome for him and called is Deepawali.

    Nevertheless, great imagination at work!

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Thanks for reading, Kajal! I think mythology is just embellished truth. So it is entirely possible that the reason why everyone lit up diyas was totally a very simple, innocent one that just got blown out of proportion over time.

      Reply
  12. Sunil

    I am just wondering what would happen to you if this was written on some other religion…Anyways, the ideas were good but choosing the characters were not appropriate. The language and slang by the characters are not at all acceptable…So on the whole, a Big thumbs down for this post. And pls don’t say the bullshit contemporary imagination of characters….Some are best left the way they are.

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      I am sorry that the piece offended you. To be frank, this piece is not about the Ramayana at all. But I can totally see your point about why the characters and the language I have used, can be distracting from the main message.

      Reply
  13. afshan18

    I am smirking endlessly !
    LOL is all I Can say. U merged the past and present in such a brilliant way that the outcome makes one think for long and also laugh !
    Interesting interpretation of the origin of Deepavali

    My fav snippets. Seeta applying lipstick and Times of ayodhya and bade bhaiyya made me think of dabaang
    ROFL

    Reply
  14. Seeta

    Chanced upon the blog through “Real Fiction” and loved the first piece I set my eyes on.. a very different avatar for all I say esp. Seeta.. urrrmmmm yeah that comes from… Seeta :)

    Reply
  15. Madhurima

    Hi Rickie, I have been trying to send you some IIT Kgp pics on FB but I notice that your account isn’t visible anymore. I am not even able to message you there. Anyway, I had really worked hard to locate your dad’s department :( and so wanted to share whatever little i could gather there in those many hours in hand. The wifi was terrible within the campus so wasn’t able to send them right away. Didn’t manage to take a closer look at my dad’s Chemical dept :(…had to make-do with a pic taken from the car. I guess, next time!

    Madhurima

    Reply

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