Why India Needs Steve Jobs – Part I

As usual, I have ended up writing a monstrously long blog post. But this time I am going to play it sensible. In order to get more eyeballs, I have split the essay into two. Here is Part I. I will release Part II in a couple of days but only if more than 3 people read this one.

 

The world was humming along nicely until one day, sadly, Steve Jobs, died. May God rest his soul.

Now, there have been plenty of eulogies written and scores of paeans sung for him around the world, but the real Steve Jobs still continues to be quite an enigma to many in India. You see, Indians judge a foreigner’s importance through our simple unitary assessment parameter, which is – What does the person think about us. If their impression about India is positive, like with Clinton, Ahmedinejad and Brett Lee, we love the person back unreservedly by, say, naming food dishes after him, or buying their crude oil despite the world’s sniggers, or offering them Horlicks sponsorship deals etc. If not, as in the case of Naipaul and Rushdie, we fucking don’t care – in fact we don’t even consider such people worthy of being called foreigners. Bloody half-twit wannabes they are – who are they to judge us anyway? Don’t they know that our great civilization has existed for 500000 years, that’s almost 5 years longer than the distant second-placed Chinese? Have they not seen pictures of the Taj? And had India not invented the Zero, well, it would have been curtains for the Lunar Module trying to find its way back to Houston, and then there r-e-a-l-l-y would have been a problem. And don’t even get me started on Slumdog Millionaire. ‘Heartfelt Ode to India’ my ass. Lies, all of it! You produce in front of me one person in this country who pronounces the word ‘millionaire’ as ‘Mill-A-Nair’ and I promise you that I will name my next baby boy as Oscar.

Anyway, I think I might be digressing a trifle, so let me get back to my subject. Steve Jobs. Sadly, there has always been much trepidation here about where to peg Jobs’ greatness at since little is known about the time he spent in Manoj Kumar’s favourite country. The only stories one hears of Jobs’ visit are the half-truths about the trip he made to Benaras, where he spent all his days fighting chikungunia and malaria instead of doing what young American backpackers really come to the holy city to do. That being, to learn yoga, smoke hashish, research the correct way to tie the langoti, smoke hashish, learn to pronounce ‘Oum’, train on how to use a lota instead of toilet paper, and to smoke hashish.

The fact is, India to Steve Jobs was way more than a mere survival guide in the absence of Laal and Kaala Hit, or the presence of diarrhea. It is so sad that everyone’s totally missed Jobs’ sublime India connection. There was none of it mentioned even in his recent biopic featuring Ashton Kutcher in and as ‘Jobs’ – the actor prudently chosen to play the World Best Innovator based on his only previous acting stint as the dimwitted Kelso in ‘Friends’.

Truth be told, Jobs was a genius for he had found the formula to not only conquer the western worlds of America and Europe by unleashing iNnovative products there, he was also going to stamp his greatness on proudly-penniless countries like India. No, not by selling his electronics here through EMI and Exchange offers, you fool! No, that vile sales ploy was best left to the Koreans. Jobs was going to be relevant here by being a political consultant.

To know more about that, one must dive deeper into the truth about the founding of Apple. Did you know that the initial idea of that company came to him while watching Salma Sultana on Doordar-sham?

So, decades ago, Steve Jobs was sitting and munching Dilli Fruit Chat in his half-star hotel room in Pahar Ganj in Old Delhi. The chat had been liberally sprinkled with delicious MDH Chunky Chat Masala (yes, this is a sponsored product placement, but the emotional sentiments described about it are my own) and it distinctively brought out the subtle flavor of apple from the fruity mélange. (Lo, and behold, Jobs had a corporate brand name!) As he sat and watched the sullen-faced, single-rose bedecked newsreader half-mumble every single word she spoke amidst visuals of Indira Gandhi and Sanjay Gandhi cutting ribbons, lighting lamps and making speeches, he knew that our nation needed help. ‘One day, I will create something which I will call the iPad Mini…and by God, every upper-middle class teenager in this country shall own one!’ he prophesized. ‘But hell, not if they go on like this. This country’s in the shitter right now!

So, Jobs knew what he needed to do. Apple, his new company construed over a bowl of Dilli Fruit Chat, needed to not just be a technology giant. It also needed to be a Political Consulting Company that would make a country like India strong enough to be able to buy those iPad Minis that he knew he was going to produce in China one day. Jobs was already aware of the profoundness of the entity he had just conceptualized, and the indomitable excitement of the moment simply caused him to eat way too much chat that evening. (And that led to diarrhea and all that other mess that happened in Benaras later – you already know about all that.)

And that, my friends, was the beginning of Steve Jobs association with the Bharatiya Janata Party.

Steve Jobs at an Indian Fancy Dress party (Image shamelessly pilfered from the internet)

Steve Jobs at an Indian Fancy Dress party
(Image shamelessly pilfered from the internet)

The rest of the story will happen in Part II in a couple of days. 

 

Now that the second part has been written and uploaded on the blog, lazy folks will want to proceed to it by clicking here. I am calling them lazy because they don’t seem to want to leave a comment below for the first part. Sigh. So disappointing!

 

Comments

comments

52 thoughts on “Why India Needs Steve Jobs – Part I

  1. jaishvats

    Steve jobs and Bjp? Oh my God. That smoke hashish line was brilliant Rickie 🙂 btw u can’t decide your baby’s names based on things like this hi hi. Awaiting the next part

    Reply
  2. Rainbow Hues

    Okay, you know I am dimwit when it comes to politics (agree!) so I will possibly have to read the whole essay in entirety if I have to make sense of it ALL!!

    Now I did get some of the jokes there (okay! am at least a bit smart) but was the mention of Ashton Kucher in Friends incidental or you planted it there…oops!

    Anyway, I am sure you’ll get more than 3 comments on this one, so let’s have the next round now?! 🙂

    Reply
  3. alkagurha

    Lal and Kala Hit + Chunky Chaat Masaala + Wit+ Intellect + Satire = Who Cares What I Think.
    You love the eighties don’t you? I mean how many of us remember Salma Sultan!
    Look forward to part two, even though I am a Steve Mods, oops Steve Jobs fan.

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Oh we all love the 80s! Actually, I remembered Salma Sultan because I recently saw an interview of hers on YouTube!
      Yes, will put up the second part soon. Thanks for reading!

      Reply
  4. asteria22

    U forgot kelsos shameless act in two n a half men (o come on, u could have linked all that somehow ), i knew bout the hashish but blur salma was a far fetched one.
    When is curtain raiser on next one??

    Reply
  5. gpadmanabha

    Eagerly awaiting for part 2 and to know about the Bha-Jha-Pa – Steve Jobs association.

    Thumbs up for the fancy dress competition photo. I wonder if it served as the wallpaper of Steve Jobs’s iPhone.

    Reply
  6. BhavanaDiary

    You need more than 3 readers? Being too modest eh Rickie? 😀
    I am sure you have a fan following 🙂
    This post is too witty to receive my senseless comment. But still, I have left it and I just loved it. Even if you wish to write a blog post which is as long as hanuman’s tail on which he sat in Lanka, I will read it at one go 😀

    Reply
  7. sanjiv

    Fantastic read ! Eagerly waiting for the next part …who could ever think of linking salma sultan and ashton kutcher in same essay …only you!

    Reply
  8. Rachna

    I am scared to write a comment as I saw Narendra Modi and BJP right at the end. And you know how much I get your political puns :). But Jobs as political consultant, now that would be real fun! I just love your subtle digs, I always do. There were a few places that I read and actually winked at the screen, the puns were so delicious ;-). You know it is my honest opinion about your writing because I only write my honest opinion especially on blog posts and comments!
    Have you noticed how all foreign cricketers immediately start singing paeans to Sachin as soon as they land in India. I guess they do their home work really well. And we instantly warm up to the gentle gora. And when Hollywood actors are caught in a bind, they always have an answer ready about how much they love India! Looks like everyone has understood the sycophancy gene of ours. BTW, Ashton Kutcher never appeared in ‘Friends’ unless that is some pun I missed.

    Thank you for showing the mirror to our “indian” traits and for bringing back nostalgic memories of Salma Sultana’s beauty and mistake-filled stone faced newsreading. Yes, next part, please!

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      I am making sure I don’t read anything between the lines in your comment…hehheh 😀
      Yeah, sycophancy gene – that’s a good name for it! How we hate people more who hate us! We don’t take criticism well, do we?
      The ‘Friends’ mention was intentional – just wanted to convey how forgettable the series was…that I didn’t even remember the name right.
      By the way, I watched some new interview with Salma Sultan on youtube recently. She still looks exactly the same! She seemed absolutely poised and eloquent speaking in English. I quite liked her.

      Reply
      1. Rachna

        I liked “That 70s show;” it was goofy. But the choice of Ashton Kutcher to play Jobs flummoxed me too. Oh yes, that 50 years of DD thing. But she read news in Hindi on DD. And though her Hindi/Urdu was good, she hesitated and made mistakes. She was so pretty with matching flower in her hair. Do you remember that lady who read news for the deaf and mute? She was hilarious!

        Reply
        1. Rickie Khosla Post author

          I think the early bits of That 70’s Show were nice…but the novelty wore off quite quickly. I used to love the mother’s character…and Kelso’s girlfriend.
          Yes, hehheh, I remember the other lady. She used to make her gestures in that small window on the side of the screen. I must say, DD was progressive on some parameters. Wonder if they still have those bulletins.

          Reply
  9. janu

    Leave it to you to make the associations and you come up with your own formula for ‘chat’ masala. Poor Jobs…let him rest in piece!

    Reply
  10. mahabore

    Loved the MDH Chunky Chaat Masala product placement, actually loved your disclaimer even more there…..:D

    And trust you and only you to come up with a post like this reminiscing about Jobs’ India connection when the rest of the world could only think of stupid i jokes whenever they think of Jobs.

    Waiting for Part 2 dude…

    Reply
  11. Pingback: Why India Needs Steve Jobs – Part II | Who Cares What I Think?

  12. Sakshi Nanda

    Where was I when this got posted? Must be busy with writing a contest post, I’m sure. Brilliant. Excuse me, again, but I told you the last time around I have no more words to shower on your posts, especially since you know already what I think of them. By the way, where is part II? Is it out?

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      You are too kind, Sakshi, thank you! And, let me just say – ditto – because you have just stated my exact feelings about your writing! Your post today about your NSS stint in college just blew me away.
      The second part of this essay is up on my blog now. Do read and let me know what you think of it!

      Reply
  13. Dagny

    Rickie, I notice that you expansively promise to christen your ‘next’ baby boy as Oscar. May I… er…. remind you that you are yet to open your baby account? I dare say it slipped your notice, engrossed, as you were, in polishing a sparkling post.

    Off to part two now….

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      You got me! Yes, I should have just said ‘my first’! In my defense, I can’t be a 100% sure that there are no kids out there that carry half of my DNA! 😛
      Thanks for reading, Dagny! The next part is up and waiting for your eyeballs.

      Reply
  14. Madhurima

    *a 90-degree bow* LOL! you nailed it, Rickie! I was sold right at the title itself, which couldn’t be more true. India needs Jobbs. India needs Larry Page and Sergey Brin! Though I especially loved the last line that spoke of the BJP-alliance along with the Modi pic (caption: Phata Poster Nikla Hero)…that was like the last nail on the coffin. Better still…imagine the tragedy that would befall had he met Mamata didi instead?

    Reply
  15. Amit

    I always knew this! Although Jobs does look a bit different with that turban and beard, my doubts have been cleared.
    I do wish he had named his brand Mango instead of Apple. He would have been a bigger hit here.

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      I agree about ‘Mango’! Though, I think we should be glad that he chose the name of a fruit instead of a vegetable. ‘Onion’ might have made it to his shortlist, in that case!
      Thanks for reading!

      Reply

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