The year is 2038, that is, twenty five years from today. The world looks very different. TV serial Pavitra Rishta is finally about to end its legendary run on Zee TV. Prime Minister Rahul Gandhi is expected to lose the next General Elections amid widespread perception of incompetence and fraud, the new multi-coloured 1-Crore Rupee note is the new buzz in town and already in short supply, and Sachin is expected to announce his retirement imminently.
The only thing that hasn’t changed much is Bollywood. Cutting edge movies continue to be made, Item Songs are as raunchy as ever, and Abhishek Bachchan is still waiting to give his first solo hit since his debut 40 years ago. Oh, and one more thing – The Three King Khans still rule Bollywood!
They are meeting today at Shah Rukh’s swanky mansion called Jannat. (Gauri stayed on at Mannat after the divorce) The old boys are reminiscing about their years in the industry over beer, fried boneless chicken and Gelusil.
Salman Khan : Yaar, Arbaaz is forcing me to do Dabanng 14. He says this new one will be better than all the previous ones.
Aamir Khan : How so? When you fart in this one, will it be for real this time?
All of them laugh.
Shah Rukh Khan : Oye Arbaaz, I think I know the real reason why you are making this film.
Arbaaz Khan : What’s that, Bhai Jaan?
SRK : (impishly) Your begum is feeling like doing an item song again, right? Basically, all you are doing is building an entire movie around her item song. Just like the previous 13 Dabanngs!
Aamir sniggers at the suggestion, and Salman and Arbaaz look sheepish now that their secret is out.
Aamir : Abey, haven’t all your heroines retired already? Even Katrina has now, after that awful Mother India remake debacle.
Salman : (genuinely surprised) Oh, you didn’t like it? I thought she was really good! Who else could have played an NRI Mother India so convincingly?
Aamir : (with contempt) Hmpf! Saale, itne saalon mein you couldn’t teach her any acting?
SRK : Sallu Mian teaching acting?
All four laugh again.
The doorbell rings. Since only Aamir has fresh batteries in his hearing aids, he is the only one who hears it.
Aamir : I think there is someone at the door.
SRK hops on his motorized scooter and drives to the main entrance. The other oldies follow suit on their scooters. At the door, they find Saif Ali Khan with his daughter.
SRK : Oye, Hello? What are you doing here, Saif Ali?
Saif Ali Khan : (mildly angry) Khan. Saif Ali KHAN. How can you have a Khan meet and keep me out of it?
Aamir : Saif Ali PATAUDI. You are not a Khan, you fraud! You never were and you never will be! Now scoot before I release my 2 Idiots – Sharman and Madhavan – after you.
Saif : This is not fair! I have been as successful a Khan as the bloody three of you, yaar! And look…
Quickly fishes out his visiting card from his wallet.
Saif : Even my visiting card says – Saif Ali KHAN. From Pataudi.
SRK : Aww…that’s cute, Agent Vinod. And don’t think I will not unleash my Ra.One on you just because you show up here hiding behind your daughter, ok?
Saif : Daughter? That’s Kareena, you geriatric idiots! Put on your fucking glasses!
The three real Khans laugh very hard and then immediately break into old man coughing spasms. Saif and Kareena leave the premises in a huff.
The men are back in the den, slowly chewing on soft chicken nuggets. Each has been advised by his dentist to be careful about the dentures.
Arbaaz : Bhaiya, tell them about the heroine of the new Dabanng!
Salman digs out his mini iPad from his bag which is also carrying his hot water bottle, emergency hair fixing cream and Viagra.
Salman : Boys, meet my new heroine!
SRK : (observes the picture in the iPad and frowns) New heroine?
Aamir : Abey ullu ke paththey, someone is playing a joke on you! That is Reena Roy. She used to be one of those Nagin type actresses from the 1970s. When we were all in our nikkars!
Salman : (angrily) Arrey kameeno, this is not Reena Roy. This is Heerakshi, Sonakshi Sinha’s daughter. Bloody Assholes!
The other two oldies readjust their reading glasses and have another look. They nod their heads at each other.
SRK : (doubtfully) Helluva resemblance, I must say. (Does not sound completely convinced about the woman’s authenticity)
The doorbell rings again. This time the boys decide to race their motorized scooters to the main entrance. Aamir wins the race.
Aamir : (surprised) Abey, who are you?
Fardeen Khan : Fardeen Khan, son of Feroz Khan, requesting permission to join the party.
Salman : Abey, tu pagal hai? We just let the dogs after that Pataudi fellow, but at least he was in films. Have you even worked in films? You look like you run a Halwai shop or something.
SRK : (nodding in agreement) Yeah, he does look like a Halwai. (Calls out loudly for the maid servant) Vimla, did we order any mithai?
Fardeen : (extremely offended) Heyy Baby, Khushi, Jaanasheen – all major box office hits, you bloody pompous assholes!
Aamir : (pretending to think hard) Oh yeah, yeah, I am sort of remembering him now…
SRK : You are?
Aamir : Yeah, he had another film…what was its name again? Oh yes, yaad aaya – NO ENTRY.
The door is slammed shut.
Later, after several beers.
SRK : (wistfully) Yaar, I have had enough of Yash Raj. No more. I can’t play Rahul anymore after the flop.
Aamir : (consolingly) Not a very wise choice for Aditya Chopra to remake his father’s old classic. Is it any surprise that it bombed?
SRK : Well, I think it was because of the title – Jab Tak Haddiyon Mein Hai Jaan. I don’t think people took that to be very romantic. Why couldn’t he just call it – Jab Tak Hai Jaan Mein Jaan – or something like that, like sane people would?
SRK silently takes a swig of Gelusil Liquid.
Salman : (changing topic to lighten the mood, turns to Aamir) I hear your new one is very cutting edge? Planning another trendsetter film?
Aamir : (excitedly) Yes, yes, it’s a psychological science-fiction adult comedy.
Arbaaz : Hein?
Aamir : You remember my old films Talaash and Delhi Belly?
Arbaaz : Yes.
Aamir : So, imagine kind of a rehash of those two genres.
SRK : (finding the mixing of ‘psychological’ and ‘adult comedy’ genres quite strange) And where does the science-fiction part come in?
Aamir : It’s based on the Lunar Mafia. Parts of the film will be shot on the Moon.
SRK : (unconvincingly) I see, I see.
The doorbell rings again. By now, the men are annoyed by the constant interruptions.
Salman : (as he opens the door) Oh look what the cat dragged in. It’s Paan Singh Tomar.
Aamir : (gruffly) What do you want, Paan Singh Tomar?
Irrfan Khan : I heard there was a Khan gathering today?
SRK : So, how does it concern you? This is for real, bona fide, Khan heroes only. Not character actors like you.
Salman : Yes, real achievers. Like us!
Aamir : What have you achieved, Pi Patel?
Irrfan : Oh, I guess nothing by your standards. No one is willing to give me romantic hero, or rebel hero, or action hero roles at 70 years of age, that’s for sure.
Salman : Yes, so scoot!
Irrfan : Actually, that is what I came here to tell you. You see, even if you invited me today, I wouldn’t be able to join you. I am off to Los Angeles.
SRK : What for, Billoo Barber?
Irrfan : For the Oscars, na. Didn’t you hear? I am nominated for the Best Actor Academy Award this year. The buzz about my winning the trophy is very strong.
The man bids adieu, slamming the door on the ‘real’ Khans faces.
Aamir : (mildly annoyed as he makes a u-turn on his scooter) You know, who cares about the Oscars?
Salman : Yes, who wants worldwide recognition as an actor? I am just happy that people from Bilaspur to Bhatinda idolize me as their God! I am thinking of patenting my pelvic thrust.
SRK : Well, thank God it wasn’t me who got nominated. I don’t want to go through any airport security where they don’t recognize my world famous face.
The men return to the den. They are quite wistful. There is silence, except for Salman’s farts which no one hears anyway. Strangely enough, they are too lost in thought to have even the smell bother them.
Aamir : (finally breaking the silence) Saalon, we have been hares all our lives, running after glittery things that mean nothing. And that kameena kachua just pipped us to the post.
SRK : Yes, yaar, bande mein talent toh hai.
Salman and Arbaaz merely nod.
Suddenly, Karan Johar’s voice booms on the Public Address system all around the mansion.
Karan Johar : (over the PA) Boys, food is served. Come and get it!
The announcement breaks their reverie.
SRK : (looks at Salman) Ah, anyway, tell me more about Heerakshi. Yeh bata saale, will she play your wife or granddaughter in that film?
The boys laugh and drive their motorized scooters to the dining room.
No motorized scooters were harmed in the writing of this fictional story. I am taking part in The Write Tribe Festival of Words 1st – 7th September 2013. The theme is SEVEN. This story featured seven people who happen to have the same last name.
ROFL big time. Thanks for keeping it straight-forward 😉 Liking the ingenious ways you cook up a post!
Thanks, Susan. Glad you liked it!
Rickie, what fun I had reading this. You know – no matter how old we are, we can never resist laughing at the mention of a “fart”.
I swear I’ve always thought Sonakshi looks like Reena Roy. 🙂
I loved their Gelusil and the motorized scooters and Kareena 😀
Thanks for considerably brightening up my day. Took me back a few decades to the time when we would write imaginary conversations like this in school. 🙂
I love writing such conversational pieces…you can take the story anywhere with your imagination!
Thanks for reading!
LOL! 😀 That was a hilarious one. I almost choked laughing. 😀
Thanks, Rekha! Glad you liked it.
Awesome as always…Loved it 🙂
Thanks so much, Sunil!
Ah, you made my day, Rickie. Anyway, was the drop of ‘Khan’ from Irfan Khan intentional? I bet it must have been.
Hahah…no, I didn’t drop ‘Khan’ from his name. I just didn’t repeat it after the first usage!
Thanks for reading!
But that is good in a way, given the fact that he does not use Khan with his name in any of his films. He once said he dropped his surname purposely.
See, I didn’t even know he had dropped the surname!
I guess the man is talented – people would go watch him regardless of his name.
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhaaaaaaaaaa Heerakshi!!!!!!!!!and you are so right about Irfan!
Sigh Rickie Khosla I officially missed you………….Muah………….loved this
Thank Youuuuu! Yeah, I am having fun writing these pieces!
Glad you liked this one!
Cool imagination. Good to see you back after the hiatus.
Thanks, LTF. I have 3 new posts this month – part of the SEVEN series (it’s some Write Tribe thingy). Do check those out, too, when you have some time!
Enjoyed it thoroughly. Love the dig at The Khans. 🙂
Thanks for reading!
Hola!! me parece que has realizado un buen trabajo con esta pagina y me gustaria saber si controlas algo de oscilospios en workbench porque ando un poco verr.e.Gdacias
Okay I’m convinced. Let’s put it to action.
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Chaaa gaye tussi! Rickie, isse kehte hai post! Purrr-fect Blockbuster budtameez hit!
Lolz!!
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Wah, what a delightful comment! Thanks for your lovely words, E!
I take this post as satire on sad state of affairs in bollywood. The state is so bad that even is a model-turned-heroine makes a non-commercial movie, then it is called ‘acting’.
I dont know if the film industry will ever improve in India??
I wonder if Abhishek has taken over in anchoring KBC by then?
🙂
It is, totally! Old Men playing Young Men and Tall Untrained Women playing Leading Actresses. Ah, well!
LOL…just a matter of time before we see Abhishek take over KBC, I’m sure!
If Rajini can, Khans kan’t? Don’t underestimate the power of the Khans! Mera Sallu Dabanng tha, Dabanng hai aur Dabang rahega. Hey Bhagwan! ye sab dekhne ke liye mujhe zinda rakhna.
Oh the Khans totally can, are and will! I shall pray that you live long enough to see off the very last one of them!
Thanks for reading!
I’ve do not have enough words to describe your post. What I can say is…simply brilliant.
Thanks for the lovely compliment!
In your element Rickie? That was a laugh riot 🙂
Thanks, Suresh! Could you tell that I enjoyed writing this one?
Course you did! After all it had Salman in it 🙂
Hahahha….you know me too well!
I’ve been looking high and low, and it seems that most liberal arts schools are populated by heavy drinkers and partiers, which I am not interested in. If I can, I’d like to double major in creative writing and jou.malisnr. Thank you!. February 25, 2013
I am a fan of Bloom Workshop on Facebook! These prizes are just wonderful. Would love to get my little newbie paws on them as I grow in my photography. Happy Anniversary too!
That’s an expert answer to an interesting question
Welcome back Rickie 🙂
Hah! Thanks for reading!
Only you can write such stuff… but why did you have to divorce SRK and Gauri?
Arvind Passey
http://www.passey.info
Thanks for reading!
The reason for Gauri kicking SRK out is in the last para…I think it (he) will be clear if you read that again!
How, just HOW good can anyone be? As my stomach slowly un-cramps from the fit of laughter that caught it a second back, I thank my dear good Lord that Rickie Khosla keeps away from all writing contests/twitter wars. May you always have the best smart phones, already. 😛 Your list of best-sellers should ensure that! And much sooner than 2038, you will be the very King Khan of the writing world yourself. 😉
Oh dear…I don’t even know how to handle such a maha-compliment! Just a simple Thank You will have to do. But, very glad that you enjoyed the post!
I remember someone mentioning this on a previous thread (or was it an announcer?), but I thought it was a great point: the Lakers are so used to being longer and more athletic inside that they can usually get away with little tivhmo-t-etselpes defensive rebounds and then come away with it. Not so in this series. These Nuggets are nearly as long and athletic, and will take away a loose ball in the paint nearly every time.The Laker bigs need to realize that and go out and get a hold of that ball.
Will this change help weed out sites that do nothing but scrape and steal other sites' content? For example, stackoverflow.com has a ton of original content. yet Google often leads me to other sites that simply copy the SO content. Will this change help?
I couldn’t stop laughing as and when I kept reading this post 🙂 Awesome imagination and loved the way that Irrfan took the cake at the end….
Reeky Coleslaw, you are anything but reeky, and yes, I echo Sakshi’s comment completely 😀
Very glad that you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it!
Thanks for reading…and the delightful compliment!
Loved the fun! Rickie and Bollywood cannot be far apart :). Irrfan has already dropped Khan from his name. I guess he does not wish to be counted in their league even by mistake :). The entire industry works on sycophancy. It sort of makes me sick see them sing paeans for each one. And I do like Aamir, at least he is an actor!
And are KJo and SRK living together now? ROFL!
Hahahh…well…at some point…?
See, I didn’t even know about Irrfan not using his surname till someone told that to me after reading the post!
I guess, whatever drama Bollywood engages in, just makes them more endearing in our eyes, right? And I am saying that after comparing the state of our films with our TV! 😀
It is one of the best posts I have read in a very long time 🙂 Enjoyed reading about the Khans in 2038, Sonakshi-Reena Roy, kuch toh golmaal hai 🙂
What a delightful compliment! Thanks for reading! I enjoyed writing this one 🙂
LOL
That heerakshi part was funny and ending as well. Reminded of some thing I wrote where I had a chat with just all these khans !!
I have this kind of silly conversations happening in my head all the time!
Glad you liked it! Thanks for reading!
They will be Khan Dadas by then 😛
You bet!
Thanks for reading!
Isn’t it scary that your wild imagination is not too far from reality!
Welcome back, Rickie. We were all missing your ROFL posts.
Hahhah…isn’t it? I really do think these three (or at least two of them) have still got another 15-20 years of romantic herogiri left in them!
Thanks for reading…glad you liked it!
Woof!! this one is a loud woof! I loved the post completely (You promised that!) ROFL with the ‘Jab Tak Hai Haddiyon Mein Jaan’….I still can’t get over that point….so damn funny.
Oh the ending was just too good. What was for khaana btw? Or maybe I just ask KJo? 😀
Good one Rickie!
Mein na kehta tha?
Could you tell that I thoroughly relished writing this post? 😀
Glad you liked it…thanks for reading as always!
Hehehe that was quite a meet up 😀 well written
Thanks for reading! Glad you liked it!
Lol….this was AWESOME…it sounds like the your imagination will turn true.
I am indeed waiting for Dabanngg-14!
Thanks for reading!
ROFL…!! What cool imagination you have! This is just so awesome! Sona-kshi’s daughter Heera-kshi! Hilarious! And you are so damn right about the hare and tortoise analogy! 😀 😀
Glad you liked it! Thanks for reading 🙂
Espero que te entretengas lo suficiente…Qué tal todo por ahÃ?Es tan malo como lo pintan? Yo siempre pienso que nos quieren asustar con algo…terrorismo, crsi.s…gripe.i.Un beso
The farts! The old farts couldn’t smell them? Yeh kuch zyada ho gaya! Still laughing at the blogpost
With so much fart in the air, I just thought it was more realistic that the oldies wouldn’t even notice the smell after a point! Of course, it is quite possible that the air in the room might have been a fire hazard! 😀
Thanks so much for reading!
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LOL….BTW, I really think Irfan Pathan will beat this Khan group at the end 😀
I think he already has with his global reach, don’t you think?
Thanks for reading!
Work wise, yes. But I was thinking in terms of fees he could command 😀 Paisa bolta hai 😛
ROFL!!!! You do have some imagination!
Btw SRK is the best! 😀
Glad you liked it! Thanks for reading!
Frankly, my favourite is Saif…who is probably not even considered a real Khan! 😀
Hilarious! Loved it in-spite of the jokes n SRK 😉
Glad you liked it!
I did think of what your reaction might be when I was writing some of the SRK related bits! 😀
🙂 Happy to know that. So I am the ‘parakashtha of a SRK Fan’ – vaah vaaah, mera din safal ho gaya
Well, you are the only friend of mine who I know has had a picture of her with SRK as her Facebook DP 🙂
funny! I am sure the Khan’s will be around even 50 years from now!
You bet, they all will still be around!
Glad you liked it. Thanks for stopping by!
Irfaan was a neat slap on the KHANs… the observation put to best use.
Aww….we kid the Khans in jest. They have and will continue to entertain us with their silliness for years!
Thanks for reading!
hahahah … ROFL …. Never knew abt Irfan has dropped his surname intentionally .. but i loved the ending … Must say ‘Great Imagination and writing skills’ 🙂
Thanks so much for reading!
i was literally ROFL while reading the conversation….and the treatment to Saif, Fardeen was so apt and so was to the three khan’s by the Real Khan pipping them to the Oscar’s….thoroughly enjoyed reading it !!!
you can check out my post here-
Karan – Brother
I really did enjoy the Fardeen and Saif bits, too! But, I do like them, despite everything!
Thanks for reading!
ROFL! That has to be the funniest post I’ve read in a while!!
Thanks for the appreciation!
Oh god I am laughing my guts out.I made my husband to read this…lololol.Do you mind if i share this post on my fb page….;)
Glad you liked it! By all means, share away!
Mazza aa gaya. Take a bow. 🙂
There is much mazaa to be had at the Khans’ cost!
Glad you liked it!
xpadder recognizes … xpadder recognizes my wireless xbox 360 game pad, but it wont recognize my PS2 game pad, I’m using an adapter to use plyaitatson controllers on pc Was this answer helpful?
I appreciate you taking to time to contribute That’s very helpful.
Nu har jag high-jackat. Två raka trådar. Ber om ursäkt och går tillbaka till min vinterdvala fram till derbyt.Puss på er allesammans. Det är en bra dag att vara Milanista, händer inte så ofta numera. Njut medan ni kan, för allt kan vara krossat redan på söndag.
just darling! i would love to sport one of those sweet things. this is the summer of the headband for me, but sad to say, all the new ones i've picked up have headache issues. this would be the perfect solution.love the snaps, m. you are everything a doll should be.
Like the president of the USA lives the same way most live in washington? Funny how all these muslim leaders that used to be “friends” to the US suddenly had to go while one of the worst persons since hitler Cambodia prime minister Hun Sen is getting no heat at all.Do some digging there AlJazeera and you will find more dirt then on a garbage dump
Oh My goodness! To much fun stuff to look at! I LOVE LOVE LOVE the little house with the K! Hmmmm…as soon as I get settled in our new house…we may have to do a swap together! Love all your other goodies. The pink hat, the jewelry you made, and the old vintage books! Yum!
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patenting pelvic thrusts?? and ‘Jab tak hain haddiyon mein jaan’? Boy , you Rock! 😀
Thanks for reading! 😀
This post has been selected for the Spicy Saturday Picks this week. Thank You for an amazing post! Cheers! Keep Blogging 🙂
Thank you so much!
I dropped in go check your new blog look which by the way is awesome.
This was an an imaginative witty post. I could visualize the khans with beer in their hands and Viagra in their pants.LOL. Kareena will kill you for Mother India.
Thanks for stopping by for a looksie. I like the new look, too!
And very glad you liked the post 🙂
I almost laughed at each sentence! You wrote, clean and crisp. I could almost imagine myself sitting somewhere in the corner and watching this. Awesome post!
Heerakshi Sinha. bohot hi funny. and all other puns. same sentiment.
entire conversation is vivid, i could actually visualise this happening in my head. 😀