The Top 7 Fake News We Would Love To See Come True!

Want Red Beacon Light? Go Through Potency Test First

September 4, 2013 : New Delhi 

In an effort to control the ubiquitous menace of red beacon lights on vehicles, the Supreme Court today ruled that all public officials desiring one will now be required to take a Potency Test first. The court felt that the gross inconvenience involved in going through the test might serve as a deterrent for most aspirants.

This is a file photo. It was not taken during the Potency Test.

This is a file photo. It was not taken during the Potency Test.

It may be recalled that the Potency Test was recently in the news in the Asaram Bapu case.

According to one of the doctors directly involved in handling Asaram Bapu’s surprisingly sprightly genitals, the potency test requires “one to cause stimulation of private parts through manual movements.”

The court did not elaborate whether the official will need to pass the test in order to obtain the red beacon light. However, the results of all Potency Tests conducted for this purpose will be available to the public under RTI. The court is still mulling whether video filming the test as part of record-keeping should be made mandatory.

 

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Sachin Tendulkar To Make Bollywood Debut As Amitabh Bachchan’s Son

March 11, 2015 : Mumbai

The question about Sachin Tendulkar’s next career move since he retired from all forms of cricket has been answered. Agencies report that the ex-cricketer has signed his first Hindi film under the Yash Raj Films banner. The film will also star Amitabh Bachchan and Shah Rukh Khan in key roles.

According to sources, the script has been penned by Aditya Chopra. The original version had Amitabh Bachchan playing a father of twin sons – both sons to be played by Shah Rukh Khan. But with the new casting coup, extensive script changes may need to be made since it is unlikely that the audience will accept Shah Rukh and Sachin as brothers, let alone twins, and Amitabh Bachchan’s sons at that. Sources suggest that Sachin’s character may now be shown as an adopted son.

“Dubbing over Sachin’s original sweet voice by someone more manly is out of the question,” explained an insider close to the project on condition of anonymity.

Reportedly, the original idea of having Deepika Padukone as the leading lady of Sachin’s character has also been shelved.

 

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2014 Lok Sabha Elections To Be Decided Through Reality Show ‘Rakhi Ka Swayamvar’

July 14, 2014 : New Delhi

Given the stalemate produced by the latest Lok Sabha elections where neither the UPA nor the NDA are in a position to form the government, President Pranab Mukherji has decided that the two bachelor Prime Ministerial candidates, Narendra Modi and Rahul Gandhi, will have to face-off in the new season of the popular reality TV show ‘Rakhi Ka Swayamvar’.

Pick me, Rakhiji, pick me!

Pick me, Rakhiji, pick me!

Thees bhill bhee like keelling two stones bheeth hwan bard,” the President declared in his address to the nation last night, carried live by Doordarshan and Zee Bangla.

Loyal viewers of the reality TV show explained that the show involves two bachelors slugging it out to win the affections of Rakhi Sawant as she lines up impossible amorous tasks for them, for example, writing poetry about her beauty, plucking stars from the sky etc. The program’s producers insist that they will stick to the winning formula despite the two high profile participants.

“Not only will the winning bachelor claim the hand of Rakhi Sawant, which already would be the biggest jackpot of their lives, he will also win the Prime Ministership,” explained Ronnie Screwvala, the head of UTV, the studio that produces the show.

“I think it is a win-win for everyone,” said Smriti Irani, the most articulate BJP leader of all time, when asked for her comment. Sonia Gandhi, Chairperson of the UPA, declined to comment.

 

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The RBI Forays Into Toilet Paper Business

September 4, 2013 : New Delhi

With its vast supply of printed Rupees not likely to find any takers for the forseeable future, the Government of India today decided to convert all its currency notes into toilet paper rolls. The decision was taken unanimously by the members of the Planning Commission and the Reserve Bank of India. The project will be executed by the RBI.

Speaking to reporters after the marathon meeting, Montek Singh Ahluwalia, the Planning Commission Chairman said, “We use the best quality paper for our notes. It seemed criminal to waste them.”

Mr Ahluwalia seemed mortified at questions related to the availability of the Rupee Toilet Rolls to the Indian consumer. “This is for export only. We will earn precious foreign exchange in return for our worthless paper,” he said.

“Besides, 65% of the country doesn’t even have any toilet access. So what is the point in focusing on the Indian market?” he asked.

 

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The Times Of India Becomes The World’s First Ads-Only Newspaper

October 2, 2013 : New Delhi

In a step that was long overdue, Bennet, Coleman & Co. Ltd announced that their flagship brand ‘The Times Of India’ would henceforth be an ads-only newspaper. All 96-pages of India’s leading daily will carry only advertisements, no news.

“Our readers won’t even notice any difference. As you know, we already stopped printing news years ago,” stated Mr Jug Suraiya, Associate Editor of the newspaper.

Understandably, the staff at The Times is very proud to be the world’s first newspaper to have declared itself news-free.

 

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Tech Buzz : Facebook To Start Paying Its More Loyal Users?

September 4, 2013 : Palo Alto

The technology world is abuzz with rumours of an impending statement by Mark Zuckerberg, the Chief Executive of Facebook, where he will announce the roll out of a bonus payment plan aimed at the most loyal users of Facebook. According to insider sources, Facebook Inc. is so flush with funds that it will pay out US$ 1.00 to every loyal user for each ‘like’ the person clicks. That amount is expected to go up to US$ 5.00 for every comment typed.

Birthday greeting messages, however, will not be encashable.

A ‘Loyal User’ has been described as anyone who sends out at least 10 Facebook Friend requests daily. Alternatively, if you spend all your waking hours refreshing the notification button, you may also qualify as a ‘Loyal User’.

It is already well known that Facebook pays US$ 1.00 for every ‘like’ or ‘share’ of photos of sick or deformed children that most Facebook users observe on their Timelines all the time. It is estimated that close to 6 billion such lucky children have already been cured, thanks to the philanthropic activities of Facebook.

However, critics of the new rumoured policy have already started complaining. “Who does he think he is? Bill Gates? I hope he goes to Africa and dies of Malaria,” said one of the Winklevoss twins when contacted. It was virtually impossible to tell which one of the twins that was.

 

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Alok Nath To Limit His TV Appearances

September 4, 2013 : Mumbai

There was widespread panic in the Indian Television world today when veteran actor Alok Nath, simply known as Baba in all the serials he has ever acted in, announced that he was going to limit his TV appearances to only 50 serials at a time. Baba currently stars in all 148 serials aired across all TV channels in India, including many in regional languages.

Mujhe maaf kar do, Beta

Mujhe maaf kar do, Beta

“He can’t do this! I have 24 serials that will get affected by his arbitrary policy,” complained Ekta Kapoor, owner of Balaji Telefilms.

“But, Beta, where is the time to do so many serials?” Baba asked this reporter in his characteristic voice, furrowed forehead and I-am-just-about-to-cry expression. “Besides, I have also been offered Suraj Barjatiya’s next film in which I play the head of a joint family. I play Prem, I mean, Salman Khan’s father, and Reema Lagoo’s husband in the new film,” he added happily.

At the time of going to print, the TV industry and Baba were still discussing an amicable solution to this deadlock.

 

 

 

I am taking part in The Write Tribe Festival of Words 1st – 7th September 2013. The theme is SEVEN. This post features seven made-up news stories. Fake, sure, but millions of people pray and fast each day hoping that they will come true. 

Comments

comments

70 thoughts on “The Top 7 Fake News We Would Love To See Come True!

  1. Rainbow Hues

    Ok…. I’d love the fb news to come true and see the whole world quit their jobs and sit day and night to update statuses and likes…. I can smell utter chaos.

    Very creative thinking.

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Thanks, K!
      I hope Mark Z reads this and gets the right idea about people like me…who are logged into the universe he created all the time!
      Hope your mom likes this post, too!

      Reply
  2. Soham

    Call it a shameful coincidence, but the Asaram pic….Well it seems to have been shot during the final moments of the much-talked about Potency test :P

    Reply
      1. Rachna

        Of course, I could imagine a huge grin plastered on your face when I was reading this :)! This is among your best satire posts. I thoroughly enjoyed your humor. And I really feel that you must write a book in the humor genre.

        Reply
  3. alkagurha

    I so wanted to write about the guy who rose to the occasion despite Papaverin injections. Anyway, he is an interesting muse for all of us after the decline of Rakhee Sawant. My vote is for FB paying its loyal users.

    Reply
  4. chsuresh63

    How can you be so profligate, Rickie? And how am I expected to comment on this? Each one was so good that it deserves a comment by itself and anyone else – meaning the rest of the less creative world – would have made it 7 Fake news and put it up one by one for these seven days. So, instead of killing seven stones with one bird, you killed only one :)

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      I never thought of it that way! Interesting perspective :D
      Frankly, I participated in this write fest to simply get the rust off of writing and to get as much of these silly-funny type pieces down as I could. I shall happily pen up tomorrow if my brain freezes up (and it looks totally likely that it might!) and have zero guilt…7 days or not! Hehheh!

      Reply
  5. mahabore

    Have to completely agree with Suresh’s comment here (it’s becoming a habit of mine now :D ) Each one of these stories would have made an awesome post by itself, I really am in a quandry trying to figure out which one is the best of the lot….aw, what the hell, I love all of them equally well :D

    Amazing fun post to read. You seriously have a knack of writing amazingly funny posts….

    Reply
  6. Sanjiv Mimani

    what brilliant post ! reading your super hilarious posts are the best way to start the day ! looking forward to more . You are fully responsible for the following a) ugly laugh lines on face . b ) if I die laughing you shall be held responsible for my demise . c ) laughter increases life span …so if I actually live to see all mentioned above in reality …. you are sooooo responsible !!!

    Reply
  7. Sakshi Nanda

    All your writings are best-seller stuff. (Disclaimer – Having run out of words that mean ‘brilliant’ and ‘too good’, THIS phrase is what I plan to post on every passing blog post of yours, not knowing whether you realise it or not! Not knowing, also,whether you are making efforts in that direction or not. Are you, or are you not?)

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      See, even your compliments are so great…just like your blog!
      Well, I am sensing the bestseller might happen by 2038…I might even have one of the Khan’s on a motor-scooter be the chief guest at the book launch!

      Reply
  8. purbaray

    ROFL! Asaram’s potency test seems to have fired a lot of imaginations.
    TOI declared as an ads only newspaper was my favourite.

    You are so funneh, Rickie jee :D

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      I never thought I would say this but I have become Asaram Bapu’s “follower”!
      TOI’s declaration is just an official acknowledgement of something that already exists :)
      Thanks so much! Glad you liked it.

      Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Thanks for visiting the blog! Glad you liked it!
      True…this is India. Just a matter of time before the craziest things happen here.
      I will definitely check out your blog, too!

      Reply
  9. Karan Shah

    yet another hilarious post…i loved the potency test idea…the reactions of Smriti and Sonia are so apt and Alok Nath aha!! nothing is left say…loved reading it :)

    Reply
  10. Amit

    I actually went back to see what is so damn good in that Asaram pic. :)
    I like the idea of Rupee being used as toilet roll paper. Few years down the line and a loaf of bread will cost two rolls.

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Hahah…yes! “Mariana and Suheil rocking the pool party” type photos! Like we are supposed to know already who ‘Mariana’ and ‘Suheil’ are…and the fact that we didn’t get the ‘pool party’ invite means that our lives suck! :D

      Reply

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