Aural Warfare – A Short Story

“Do you have anything to say in your defense before I pass judgment?” thundered the judge at the man standing at the centre of the courtroom. The man nodded, quickly grabbing his opportunity. He then proceeded to clear his throat loudly. His seemingly innocent action, however, immediately made the audience shake in fear. There were hundreds of people in the chock-a-block courtroom and it was quite a sight to see everyone tremble frantically in unison. It was as if they were a part of some North Korean synchronized ritual in a giant stadium.

Thankfully, the judge was at hand to rescue the innocents from portended doom.

“NO!” he said. “Don’t even think about doing what you are thinking of doing! Else, I will personally throw you in the darkest cell in Tihar. And then swallow the key so no one can get to it,” the judge warned quite categorically.

The audience heaved a collective sigh of relief. Again, behaving quite like the North Koreans.

The shoulders of the sullen man in the middle dropped a couple of inches.

“Well?” the judge continued.

“Can I plead that I am a juvenile, at least?” the sad man whimpered leading to loud guffaws all around the courtroom.

“Order, order!” yelled the angry judge, his eyes red like embers. Then, turning his fury at the man in the middle, “No, you may not, fool! After leaving a trail of destruction at the homes of simple, naive folks who welcomed you unwittingly, pillaging even the most innocent of our society, not lending an iota of sympathy to those who begged you for mercy as you ravaged their senses, you now want to get away with just a little rap on your wrist?”

The hapless man sniffled.

“Besides, look at you. You don’t even look like a juvenile!” the judge sniggered in contempt causing an immediate buzz in the audience. People looked around at each other and nodded their heads in agreement. Some even began a smattering of applause but were immediately castigated by the judge.

The judge was right about the man’s looks, of course. His strange hairstyle, the pudgy face with oddly manicured facial hair, the chiseled eyebrows, the slick chest exposed by the top-two missing shirt buttons, hairless like a baby’s bottom, and the greenish-brown colored contact lenses made him look like Zoolander from pre-Photoshop Earth.

“But, My Lord, you are about to punish me for committing crimes against humanity on two accounts. Can I at least be excused on one of them? I think I am a better act…”

“Shut up!” the judge screamed interrupting the delusional man. “Better, my ass! How can you be excused? Can a murderer claim to be excused of chopping the body into little pieces when he has choked his victim to death?”

There were a few shrieks from the audience. Perhaps someone was going through a cathartic reaction.

The wily man wasn’t going to give up so easily. “Maybe not these folks,” he said pointing to the people standing around the courtroom, “but millions around the country think I am God’s Chosen One. They will take to the streets if you take me down, My Lord!”

The audience buzz, clearly in disagreement this time, rose again.

“The only ‘taking to the streets’ will be in jubilant celebrations when we are done with you!” the judge said. Then, turning towards the police officials present in court, he asked, “Is the government machinery ready to handle days and weeks of wild street-partying that is bound to erupt across the country as soon as this court is dismissed?” The Police Commissioner rose from his seat and assented.

“Well then…” the judge continued.

“But, My Lord…” the man whimpered.

“Enough! We have had enough of you! So, here is my verdit. Himesh Reshamiyya, you are hereby convicted of the inhuman butchery of Sa, Re, Ga, Ma, Pa, Dha and Ni. The seven kindest siblings there ever were, they had served humanity with the best virtues for generations. What possible malice could they have held towards you to deserve the savagery that you inflicted on them? Not only did you slay them in the worst possible manner, you also used them to enter the homes of millions of honest, ordinary Indians, sometimes as a TV Judge, other times as a Film Star, to wreak havoc in their innocent lives as well. No one was left untouched by your barbarity. The history of this country shall forever be stigmatized as Pre-Himesh and Post-Himesh, now that its innocence has been so ruthlessly snatched from it.”

“While I prepare your sentencing, I announce that the movie “Karrrrrzzzzz” is banned from this universe forever. Singing the music of “Aanp kaan Suroorn” and “Dammadamm” is explicitly prohibited and all their CDs will be seized immediately. And any DJ found playing “Hookah Bar” will be sentenced to 1000-hours of continuous Himesh music in a loop so that their ears bleed and they go off of music forever.

The man in the middle broke down into loud nasal wails.

The audience in the courtroom broke into spontaneous applause. Meanwhile, all the assembled TV news reporters burst out the court doors to report the historic verdict live to the billion people sitting in front of their TVs waiting for proof that God existed.

 

All characters except one in this short story are fictional. I am taking part in The Write Tribe Festival of Words 1st – 7th September 2013. The theme of the festival is SEVEN.  

 

Order, Order!  (Image stolen from Google, as usual)

Order, Order!
(Image stolen from Google, as usual)

Comments

comments

48 thoughts on “Aural Warfare – A Short Story

  1. sanjiv mimani

    1000 hrs of himmesh in a loop …. you might as well hang the dj after feeding him cyanide and then throw him off the cliff this would be a less painful!!!
    thank god you are not a judge !!

    Reply
  2. mahabore

    :D:D:D:D I just couldn’t stop laughing after reading your post. Didnt’ quite see Himesh Bhai coming up in the story and playing the role of the criminal.

    Although it has to be said that your story has hit the nail on the head when you say that he has criminally butchered the sapta swaras…

    Reply
  3. Animesh

    That was a clever twist 😛
    I had almost related it to someone else (and I’m sure I was damn right :D)
    To be frank, you took out the fun by changing the climax 🙁

    Reply
  4. rainbowhues23

    So here we have a ‘simpler’ post from you today. Thanks heavens…

    But tell me, when is the verdict finally out or is it already??! 😛 I bet if there could be laws made for such atrocities to mankind , the world would be so much better without ‘Aapka Suroor’

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      No, yaar, simple toh last wala bhi tha – it’s just that I pointed everyone the other way. Had I mentioned the word – political – everyone would have immediately connected with Mamma and Boy!

      It is so juicy to make fun of Himesh! Poor man…the more he tries, the sillier he looks, no? And, frankly, I STILL don’t know what ‘Suroor’ even means!

      Reply
  5. Sakshi Nanda

    “After leaving a trail of destruction at the homes of simple, naive folks who welcomed you unwittingly, pillaging even the most innocent of our society, not lending an iota of sympathy to those who begged you for mercy as you ravaged their senses,” – You know, I thought this was Asaram you speak about. After all, dancing with flowers in his hair (and hanging by his ears) too he is quite a juvenile, nai?

    Ahem! Can I say “awesome!” ? 🙂 Did not see that coming, at all. But thankfully, justice delayed is not justice denied! 🙂

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      I hope people imagine many, many faces before the real face emerges! And then when they see who I am talking about, they go – Yes, yes, totally that’s the one!
      Poor Himesh. I am sure he sounds great to himself and his mother!

      Reply
  6. blogwatig

    Tumhein Himmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmesh ki kasam, ek post Arnab par zaroor karna!

    Loved it start to finish! But don’t mention Korea to him. He will take a rickshaw out there too and come back with Aap Ka kasoor – The Real Truth.

    Bhag Rickie bhag!

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Where America failed, Himesh might succeed. If he visited North Korea, I suspect they will launch a full blown nuclear attack on us!

      Oh, we jest about Himesh! Right now, I am watching the ‘No touching, only seeing’ song of his! 😀

      Reply
  7. passey

    There was a medley of characters there… but ‘you are hereby convicted of the inhuman butchery of Sa, Re, Ga, Ma, Pa, Dha and Ni’ fits to the way these Godmen sing on so many av-channels… the i-am-ajuvenile-link is more a twitter-generated aspersion yet… loved this post more for your regular dose of laughter-generating words in that special rickie-combo!

    Arvind Passey
    http://www.passey.info

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      There are simply too many people out to destroy the Sargam of this country. I wish the law apprehended them and kicked these tuneless harmoniums out of the choir called India.
      Very glad that you liked the post!

      Reply
  8. Rachna

    Merry go round; I thought of him being at least two more real life characters — the juvenile and the baba before HR emerged. I liked the judge. I want this one for my real life case! I like how you make the reader guess and slowly unveil a choice who in this case was absolutely unimaginable (unless one considers the title). I can’t believe that you are writing 7 posts in 7 days. Are you going to go silent for a whole year now? 😛 I would love to read them all. Hopefully, I find the time to do so.

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Well, I can’t believe I am writing 7 posts back-to-back myself. Maybe I will not even complete all seven!
      But, thanks for reading. I know how difficult it is to keep up with that! I really appreciate your comments!

      Reply
  9. BhavanaDiary

    What a twist, I was hoping it was the baba in news these days, but had a doubt about the brownish green contact lens though. But I thought maybe it was a diversionary tactics you might have applied just to confuse your readers like you did with the last one..
    Then, when you revealed the person, all made sense and it’s very humorous. 😀
    I was almost craving for a quiz book which has answers at the end of the book to know the next mysterious character, but then you saved me 🙂
    I never heard Himesh’s songs much except for ‘surorr or whatever song it was’. But Kumar Sanu could had been better pick than Himesh :-D. All my teenage days, Kumar Sanu made me feel as if I had nose block. Such a pain to hear his songs.
    Just loving your posts for this competition.
    All the best.

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Oh my! Kumar Sanu was another one! Brings back terrible nasal memories!
      Thanks for reading and always taking a moment to leave a note of appreciation. It feels really nice!

      Reply
  10. Rekha

    OMG! And all this while, I was under the impression that this was something about the self-proclaimed Godman-turned-rapist. Loved it…and Hookah Bar definitely needs such a verdict only.

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Don’t we all wish we had judges who were fair and so categorical!
      I have a feeling even Himesh himself might not survive 1000 hours of his own music, let alone anyone else!
      Thanks for reading. I shall check out your blog shortly.

      Reply

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