“Do you have anything to say in your defense before I pass judgment?” thundered the judge at the man standing at the centre of the courtroom. The man nodded, quickly grabbing his opportunity. He then proceeded to clear his throat loudly. His seemingly innocent action, however, immediately made the audience shake in fear. There were hundreds of people in the chock-a-block courtroom and it was quite a sight to see everyone tremble frantically in unison. It was as if they were a part of some North Korean synchronized ritual in a giant stadium.
Thankfully, the judge was at hand to rescue the innocents from portended doom.
“NO!” he said. “Don’t even think about doing what you are thinking of doing! Else, I will personally throw you in the darkest cell in Tihar. And then swallow the key so no one can get to it,” the judge warned quite categorically.
The audience heaved a collective sigh of relief. Again, behaving quite like the North Koreans.
The shoulders of the sullen man in the middle dropped a couple of inches.
“Well?” the judge continued.
“Can I plead that I am a juvenile, at least?” the sad man whimpered leading to loud guffaws all around the courtroom.
“Order, order!” yelled the angry judge, his eyes red like embers. Then, turning his fury at the man in the middle, “No, you may not, fool! After leaving a trail of destruction at the homes of simple, naive folks who welcomed you unwittingly, pillaging even the most innocent of our society, not lending an iota of sympathy to those who begged you for mercy as you ravaged their senses, you now want to get away with just a little rap on your wrist?”
The hapless man sniffled.
“Besides, look at you. You don’t even look like a juvenile!” the judge sniggered in contempt causing an immediate buzz in the audience. People looked around at each other and nodded their heads in agreement. Some even began a smattering of applause but were immediately castigated by the judge.
The judge was right about the man’s looks, of course. His strange hairstyle, the pudgy face with oddly manicured facial hair, the chiseled eyebrows, the slick chest exposed by the top-two missing shirt buttons, hairless like a baby’s bottom, and the greenish-brown colored contact lenses made him look like Zoolander from pre-Photoshop Earth.
“But, My Lord, you are about to punish me for committing crimes against humanity on two accounts. Can I at least be excused on one of them? I think I am a better act…”
“Shut up!” the judge screamed interrupting the delusional man. “Better, my ass! How can you be excused? Can a murderer claim to be excused of chopping the body into little pieces when he has choked his victim to death?”
There were a few shrieks from the audience. Perhaps someone was going through a cathartic reaction.
The wily man wasn’t going to give up so easily. “Maybe not these folks,” he said pointing to the people standing around the courtroom, “but millions around the country think I am God’s Chosen One. They will take to the streets if you take me down, My Lord!”
The audience buzz, clearly in disagreement this time, rose again.
“The only ‘taking to the streets’ will be in jubilant celebrations when we are done with you!” the judge said. Then, turning towards the police officials present in court, he asked, “Is the government machinery ready to handle days and weeks of wild street-partying that is bound to erupt across the country as soon as this court is dismissed?” The Police Commissioner rose from his seat and assented.
“Well then…” the judge continued.
“But, My Lord…” the man whimpered.
“Enough! We have had enough of you! So, here is my verdit. Himesh Reshamiyya, you are hereby convicted of the inhuman butchery of Sa, Re, Ga, Ma, Pa, Dha and Ni. The seven kindest siblings there ever were, they had served humanity with the best virtues for generations. What possible malice could they have held towards you to deserve the savagery that you inflicted on them? Not only did you slay them in the worst possible manner, you also used them to enter the homes of millions of honest, ordinary Indians, sometimes as a TV Judge, other times as a Film Star, to wreak havoc in their innocent lives as well. No one was left untouched by your barbarity. The history of this country shall forever be stigmatized as Pre-Himesh and Post-Himesh, now that its innocence has been so ruthlessly snatched from it.”
“While I prepare your sentencing, I announce that the movie “Karrrrrzzzzz” is banned from this universe forever. Singing the music of “Aanp kaan Suroorn” and “Dammadamm” is explicitly prohibited and all their CDs will be seized immediately. And any DJ found playing “Hookah Bar” will be sentenced to 1000-hours of continuous Himesh music in a loop so that their ears bleed and they go off of music forever.
The man in the middle broke down into loud nasal wails.
The audience in the courtroom broke into spontaneous applause. Meanwhile, all the assembled TV news reporters burst out the court doors to report the historic verdict live to the billion people sitting in front of their TVs waiting for proof that God existed.
All characters except one in this short story are fictional. I am taking part in The Write Tribe Festival of Words 1st – 7th September 2013. The theme of the festival is SEVEN.