Samsung Galaxy S4 Or Apple iPhone 6? The Real Scoop!

The ONLY Technical Review You Will Ever Need! 

 

Nerd Orgasm Alert!

Well, this week, Samsung launched their brand new flagship smartphone called Galaxy Ass-4. I know what you are thinking – ‘Galaxy Ass-4…hmmm…haven’t I heard that name before? Wasn’t that the name of one of the final frontiers ventured to by no man except Captain James T. Kirk (with reliable sidekicks Spock and Bones McCoy), who

Wowsa!

Wowsa!

discovered, much to his unbridled delight, that most extra-terrestrials out there look exactly like the curvy, buxom and blonde earthwomen of the 1960s?’ Yes, possibly, and we will discuss those mysterious ETs some other time. This post, however, is about the new smartphones which have so many features that they could fly the A-380 without human intervention. The feature list of the Galaxy Ass-4, for example, is mindboggling – it can cure your cancer, park your car, get you a hot date, give you a mani-pedi etc etc. – all you have to do as a user is launch an app and wave some gestures at it. Yes, quite like Harry Potter, but with a phone instead of a wand.

Now, I have been a loyal iPhone supporter for many years so I was getting very concerned that the Satan’s Own Fruit company was losing its skills of putting together the world’s most perfect 4 inch strudel. Until I read the feature list planned for iPhone-Sex, that is! I tell you, THIS IS GOING TO BE THE PERFECT SMARTPHONE. Sure, it does all that the Samsung can do (points that I have enumerated above) – plus, it can compose bhajans, correctly count the number of stars in the sky, iron your clothes etc. AND, you have got to look at the HUMAN features they are adding to it!

Read on, this is the new iPhone-Sex feature list that was recently smuggled out of a Chinese sweatshop by the Dalai Lama himself.

 

Ass Shaky Shaky Shaky : Now, here is a gesture to make an unequivocal declaration to the caller on the other side of what a pathetic runt he/she is, and that you are done having that miserable piece of shit in your life. This feature can be used in both personal and professional settings, but it is the latter that will give you the biggest bang for your buck.

To use this gesture, during the call with the said caller, simply point the phone screen to your buttocal area, pull your knickers/drawers down, and wriggle your ass firmly and repeatedly till your phone responds with a beep. The beep confirms that the phone has automatically wiped off all traces of the said asshole from your life. The great thing is that the phone doesn’t even ask for a confirmation!

Notes : The gesture works well on voice calls, Facebook messaging and SMS. And it works incredibly well on video calls.

 

Armpit-O-Meter : This is basically an Odourmeter in your phone that has been calibrated to calculate how close you  can safely get to smelly fellow passengers travelling in overcrowded public transport without loss of consciousness. The results are displayed on a scale that runs from 0 to 10, where the higher the number, the safer it is. For example, a flashing ‘10’ means that you can practically put your nose under the fellow traveller’s armpit and take deep breaths. A ‘5’ means that you might want to seriously consider waiting for the next train/bus/metro. ‘Can it get worse than 5?’, you wonder. Of course, a ‘ZERO’ would mean that it is time you started looking for career opportunities in another city (or country, preferably) – you are absolutely unlikely to survive any public transport travel in this location.

To use this gesture, point the phone for 5 seconds towards the crummiest looking passenger (or whoever you wish to) in the transport vehicle you are about to step into. Observe reading. Take action as proposed above.

Known issues : If the scale shows a negative number, especially while being used in a Mumbai Local, or anywhere near Najafgarh in Delhi, please don’t be alarmed that your phone has conked off. The reading is correct.

 

The Rapunzel Low Hanger Gesture : This is a cutesy name given by the Apple developers to the gesture that alerts you when it is time to consider a hair trim. After all, there is nothing worse for the 21st century  smartphone user than to see his/her cockiness pulverize into ridicule. Thanks to this gesture (which works in conjunction with the Rapunzel App), your wayward follicles can now be kept in check. On using this gesture, the phone screen will turn Green – for Glory, or Red – for Ruin, allowing the user to take appropriate action and, resultantly, chart the destiny they so desire.

To use this gesture, launch the Rapunzel app and bring the phone, face forward, to approximately 3 inches from your nose. Twitch your nose repeatedly at the screen for around 5 seconds. Stop, and observe the colour of the screen. If Red, the upper bezel of the phone automatically converts into a sharp blade and may be used as a hair trimmer.

Note : This is not a toy. Please take suitable precautions when using your phone as a hair trimmer. And, under no circumstances, may the blade be used as a pencil sharpener or on your wrist.

Additional Notes : PLEASE, this gesture is meant to ascertain the civility of the length in your NOSE HAIR ONLY. Do not use on any other parts of the body, you fucking idiot! Other people (family/friends) sometimes need to touch that same bloody phone!

 

 

Ready to kick ass!

Ready to kick ass!

The How-Loud?TM Gesture : This revolutionary idea is going to save new relationships until overt farting (as opposed to the clandestine, noiseless ones – those are more-or-less ok) becomes as socially acceptable as, say, fishing or groinal scratching or even listening to Justin Bieber past 14 years of age. The 21st century smartphone user often worries about – ‘How soon in a relationship is it ok for me to let it rip in front of my boyfriend?’ or, more importantly – ‘Oh fuck, did she hear that? Please God, please let her not have heard that! Shit!’ Well, with The How-Loud?TM gesture, the worrier can breathe easy. This App + Gesture combo gives you a full report on How-Loud?TM you can get and at what distance because, let’s face it, your body is going to let you down at the worst possible moment.

To use this gesture, launch the How-Loud?TM app. Once open, male users (seeking female companionship), must place the phone by the dresser-mirror and walk 5 feet away. Female users (seeking male companionship) need to place the phone on the couch that faces the TV-Gaming console, and walk away the same distance (5 feet). From this distance, the user releases around 10-15 farts, making sure to ‘mix it up’ by modulating their length and sound frequency. Based on the data provided, the phone will automatically produce a detailed report, giving the user precise information on which ‘types’ of farts are safe and from what distance may they be expended.

Note : This data is 100% reliable. Based on trials, it has been observed that almost all users are shocked by the findings. Most farts, inadvisedly considered by them to be surreptitious, are oh not so quiet after all. People are quite foolish that they think they can ‘get away with it’.

 

After reading this, it is clear that the iPhone-Sex is worth waiting for. Move over, Samsung Galaxy Ass-4, you are already obsolete. I don’t know about you but I am already planning to rob the ATM next door to arrange for the needed monies (because I need many, many ‘money’ to afford this). I think I can take that skinny guard if I just spend a few more hours at the gym.

 

(All images have been stolen from the internet – aided and abetted by Google)

 

Comments

comments

42 thoughts on “Samsung Galaxy S4 Or Apple iPhone 6? The Real Scoop!

  1. alkagurha

    This is the CEO of Samsung calling. Would you like to head our research and innovation wing Mr Khosla? Your inputs on the Armpit-O-Meter are remarkable, I must say.

    Reply
  2. Desi Traveler

    I will call it a smart phone , when in the morning I am looking for it and I scream ” Where is that damn phone?” and it screams back here under the pillow, come get me. 🙂 🙂

    Reply
  3. janu

    Oh! The iphone-sex still falls short…there is no app for recognizing a ‘jerk.’ Samsung ass cannot be owned by jerks!!!

    Reply
  4. blogwatig

    Rickie, I told you NO KIA toh kya KIYA? But you only did not want to listen to me. Achha, does the phone also have an app that can pick on inflated egos, dickheads and pile-ons? Please, bahut zaroorat hai. Check if you can use your pull to get things done 🙂

    LOVED this and so wish this was a guest post 😛

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Hah…I am sure they are constantly bringing in new features! Aapka sujhaav note karne layak hai!
      Had I written this sooner, I would have shared this with you – after all you are a techie, too! 😛

      Reply
  5. C. Suresh

    Hahaha! Rickie! You have the moviemakers fighting over your scripts and now the mobile guys are at war over your app ideas 🙂 Hilarious post and hilarious answers as well 🙂

    Reply
  6. Rachna

    Hey bhagwan, kya din aa gaye hain. Apps bhi kitne ashleel ho gaye hai ;-). I wish there was one that I could use to summon my phone from somewhere like a remote thingie.

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      I think I am going to seriously work on creating that phone dhoondo app. And I am going to call it – Aawaz de kahan hai – app. It will require the user to sing the old Hindi song with a nasal twang. The hitherto hidden phone will sing back to announce its location!

      Reply
  7. Dagny

    You are awesome, truly. I am very impressed with iPhone6. Can it do all that really? Um… can it write posts for my blog?

    *please say yes!*

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Bas, that’s about the only big thing that the new smartphones are not able to do – write our blogposts for us!
      Even they know that the hardest part about writing is – writing! (That’s a Nora Ephron quote)

      Reply
  8. Tushar

    that is some super stuff.. you are an Apple insider, right?

    btw, when are the apps for getting electricity to Uttarkhand, Hindi to Tamil Nadu, morality to Delhiites and sense to UPA coming?

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Hah…there are some things even Apple and Samsung are unable to achieve – like the ones you mentioned below.
      However, if you want a ride to Mars, or simply free tickets to a Bruno Mars concert, I am sure there is an app for that!

      Reply
  9. Amit

    I was wondering if there can be an app that can act as a portable loo? That will be able to solve our ‘water the wall’ issues.
    I truly believe that there are so many opportunity of some great Apple/Samsung innovations in this country. Why, they can even have taser guns for helping ladies.

    Reply
  10. Rickie Khosla Post author

    Hah! I am practically on my way to making billions of dollars….just need to sell a couple of my brilliant apps to Apple and Sammy first! 😀

    Reply
    1. Soham

      As i gesture you could give us , your humble followers a few lakhs each , is that’s not too much to ask.

      Reply
      1. Soham

        Oh..Man..That previous comment of mine totally goes against my interest..”As i gesture…”….And I can’t delete the comment either..Anyways what I meant was “As a gesture…..”

        Reply
  11. Soham

    Micromax and Karbonn have supposedly been involved in some very secretive R&D , trying to come up with few even better Apps…Like the Pee-o-meter , which uses GPS and lets you know of the nearest wall , dumpyard , parking , pavement , abandoned tree or lamp-post wherein you can Pee to your free will (Both male and Female)….And the location is all yours to choose 🙂

    Reply
  12. Anonymous

    rickie aur kya-kya kamaal aata hai–its been mindblowing nd wait-n-watch ,u r going to grab a lot of opportunities frm d ad agencies. keep on going, gr8.

    Reply
  13. The Fool

    That was highly imaginative coupled with your characteristic humor. On a serious note, I read a novel where man a device is invented that is planted in people’s head that does most of the thinking for them. The way mobile phones are going, I feel that is where they are headed.

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      And I agree, we are definitely headed there. Already, see what happens when you forget to carry your mobile when you leave home!

      The human-smartphone equation today is quite like that dialogue from that Tom Cruise film – “You complete me!” 😀

      Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Well, now that the cheque and other goodies from the manufacturer have been received and happily partaken, I, like any good and upright tech reviewer, feel no obligation to confess that I may have oversold the phone’s features just a trifle.

      😀

      Reply

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