The 10 Bollywood Films We Would Kill To See In 2013

With the remarkable benchmarks that Bollywood set in 2012, it is only obvious that we, the audience, would peg our expectations from our stars in 2013 even higher. True to style, they look unlikely to disappoint, if one were to go by the 2013 new movie releases list.

So, as a modest attempt to do my own “creative pay-it-forward”, here is my list of movies that you should watch out for this year. I can already see you nodding you head in wholehearted agreement. Here goes -

 

Jeans XXL – A worthy sequel to Aishwarya Rai Bachchan’s debut film Jeans, so what if it is coming 15 years later and 15 pant sizes wider? Just like the original, this one, too, is expected to bear an incomprehensible storyline but with lots and lots of expensively mounted songs filmed in foreign locales. Rai Bachchan, having given up her futile tryst with the gym for good, now has all the time to focus on her gigantic comeback. And unlike the boring one-dimensional though svelte characters that she has played in the past, this time she sinks her teeth into playing a well-rounded, khaatey-peetey ghar ki healthy ladki. There is already plenty of buzz around this being India’s nomination to the Oscars this year, just like its predecessor was.

Bharat Kumar – As a true desh bhakt, Aamir Khan has decided to follow up on his Lagaan, Mangal Pandey, Rang De Basanti, Satyamev Jayate success with the ultimate patriotic ode. In his next film, he stars in and as Manoj Kumar, the greatest Indian ever born in Bollywood, as has been repeatedly demonstrated by films from Upkaar to Roti Kapda Aur Makaan and everything in between (and by that we mean Clerk, Santosh, Kraanti, Om Shanti Om etc.). As part of his exemplary training regimen to get into the ‘skin of the character’, Aamir is only ever seen in public these days with his hand covering his face. Such obsession with perfection can bode nothing but box office gold. Already, people are wont to bursting into the national anthem at the mere mention of Aamir’s name – such are the colossal expectations from his new film.

Rajputana Rifles

Rajputana Rifles

Ek Tha Blue Whale – Frankly, film makers have run out of movie titles that symbolically signify what a gargantuan deal Salman Khan is. Hence, this new film, because there really is nothing bigger on earth left for Salman Khan to play. In this sure-shot blockbuster, Salman plays a rich Rajput named Ha-Whale-y Ram from Jodhpur (you see the connection to Blue and Whale now?). Once, while waiting at a traffic stop on his camel and simultaneously dancing to an item song with hundreds of street urchins, he comes across the beautiful Cham-Cham (played by Asin Ileana Diana Rumbha Ileana Asin) who he unabashedly eve-teases romantically pursues, not realizing that she is a clandestine spy from Pakistan! (But she is a good spy, so it is all ok). Then, lots of other bad spies also materialize and everyone chases everyone else across all of Jodhpur and many, many international locations across the seven seas (Blue Whale, you see). It all sorts itself out in the end with Salman bashing up 400 ISI spies to pulp with his bare hands. Oh, and we discover he is a closet CID agent too, the best India has ever produced. The film is expected to be Salman’s 100th film in the 200-crores club. And there are already hints of a sequel called White Whale – to be filmed in Antarctica.

Superr Duperr Housefull. If after watching this film, you happen to leave the theatre with a belly ache, it might be due to the consummate humour of this new Sajid Khan – Sajid Nadiadwala comedy. Or it could just be bad popcorn. But most likely, it may be because of the rich star cast of this film. After all, the marquee names include – Akshay Kumar, Sanjay Dutt, Anil Kapoor, Mithun Chakravarty, Bobby Deol, Kangna Ranaut, John Abraham, Paresh Rawal, Arbaaz Khan, Randhir Kapoor, Shreyas Talpade, Tusshar, Asin, Genelia, Jaqueline Fernandez, Zarine Khan, Mallika Sherawat, Mahesh Manjrekar, Nana Patekar and many many more. This delightful comedy has been penned by none other than Farah Khan’s triplets who are almost 5 now (keeping it all in the family, you see). Oh, and did we forgot to mention Chunky Pandey? Yes, he is in the movie, too, making it instantly repeat-viewing worthy.

Joker Tu – (Tu, as in, the Hindi word for ‘You’). Shirish Kunder strikes again with the sequel to Joker. Featuring Akshay Kumar. Enough said, except that the joke’s on you if you miss it.

Laddoo Sing! – The sensitive Ranbir Kapoor is back with his realistic and sensitive portrayal of Laddoo, a simpleton with a heart of gold. Living in a quaint town that is referred to in the film as Shimla but looks nothing like it, this sensitive simpleton’s only dream is to become a famous singing rockstar and win the heart of sensitive Ruby, the quintessential girl next door (played to Anglicized perfection by Katrina Kaif, quite sensitively). However, Ruby realizes around the interval mark (after leading on the sensitive Laddoo all this while) that she is in love with someone else, and also has cancer, plus she hates rock music anyway. That leaves sensitive Laddoo totally crumbly and ready to drop out of the singing competition that he is oh so very close to winning. What happens in the end? Does love conquer rock music? Does love at least trump cancer? Watch Laddoo Sing!, sensitive Ranbir Kapoor’s new sensitive film. It’s realistic too. Plus, the songs are to die for.

Mawaali Rascal – Prabhudeva is back with another Hindi remake of a South Indian box office masala smash! This time, it is Ajay Devgn who plays the bare chested mustachioed cop masquerading as a mawaali. Crooks and cars fly in his presence – quite literally, when he goes dhishoom-dhishoom like the good old films from the 70s! In fact, for this one, they have even managed to rope in Helen to perform a saucy cab-ray song like she used to 40 years ago – that should make the boys throw chunky 5-rupee coins at the multiplex screens. The film stars Reena Roy Sonakshi Sinha as the Heroine –the impish but bholi village belle in backless blouses, making a smooth transition to an item-number-type dancer for the latke-jhatke songs, or a damsel in distress in the last reels, as required.

Kabhi Kal Bhi Toh Kuchh Khushi Ho – Karan Johar’s new magnum opus musical extravaganza, featuring ShahRukh Khan, Kajol and Amitabh Bachchan. This eternal love story has been filmed in the choicest foreign locations where everyone speaks Hindi, like in Milan, Vienna, Melbourne and Miami. The story is about an extremely rich and well dressed family where no one seems to need to work (and they commute in helicopters and live in chateaux type homes). And yet, they are emotionally unstable and unhappy. However, by the end of the film, after a lot of singing and crying has been accomplished, they become emotionally stable and happy. Perhaps because by then they realize how bloody rich they are.

Asdfghq Wertyx Cvb – Yes, you guessed it right. This movie has no coherent title. That is because it is Vishal Bhardwaj and Vidya Balan’s brand new experiment. It has been observed that regardless of what they do, the audience will go watch their films. They know that Asdfghq Werty Xcvb is sure to be a cutting edge story with mindboggling performances and brilliant direction. Oh, and we have been told that Vidya Balan wears a full burqa throughout the film. You can’t see her face. Moreover, it doesn’t even sound like her either. Yet, somehow, that has succeeded in making people even more excited about the film. Talking of the sheer draw power of raw talent!

And finally…

Untitled Soft Porn Horror Musical No.24 – At the time of writing this article, the Bhatt Factory (Mahesh, Mukesh, Vikram, Pooja, Soni, Alia, their dog etc. etc.) had still not settled on the final title of their latest Japanese/Korean remake absolutely original work. This one just might be called Jism Ka Raaz. Suffice to say, the film stars Emraan Hashmi, Bipasha Basu, Sunny Leone, with Dino Morea in a special appearance. If that hasn’t already made you put all your 2013 outstation travel plans on hold in anticipation of the film’s release, we don’t know what will. The Bipasha-Sunny kissing scenes? In bikinis? In Fiji? But that’s a given, anyway.

 

Comments

comments

30 thoughts on “The 10 Bollywood Films We Would Kill To See In 2013

  1. priyankazneverland

    Made me go all giggle giggle giggle!
    :D
    And they match with my predictions too, though you missed out on the second comeback films of Karisma Kapoor, Madhuri Dixit, John Abraham,Gulshan Grover, With many more debuts of tv actors n actresses..

    :P

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Imagine, Alka, the biggest undiscovered talent of Bollywood is currently languishing in his frigid bedroom in Gurgaon. So unfair!
      My favourite in the list is obviously Joker. Shirish Kunder is to me what Dronacharya was to Eklavya.

      Reply
  2. subhorup

    Super read. Will kill to see all. Do not ask kill who. Maybe not all. I was quite amazed to find that I have seen nearly half of the originals. Not half of each, but half of the list. Vishal Bhardwaj and Vidya Balan’s 2013 offering sounds promising, but I see you skipped it in your list. :)

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Hey, if you have already seen half of the originals, I am certain that you are dying (a.k.a would kill) to know what happened next! And for the rest (including the Vidya-Vishal one), if you didn’t watch those, what will you discuss with your buddies when you bump into them by the water cooler?? :P
      I am quite worried that one of Bollywood PR firms is going to steal this list and pass it off as their own!

      Reply
  3. C. Suresh

    Hey Rickie! At a loss for comments, pal! For each of those ‘movies’ a comment sprang in mind only to be washed off while reading the next one. I’ll probably need to write a post just to comment on this post! :) Fabulous stuff!

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Could there be a bigger accomplishment for this post than to have you write one to compliment it! I would be too thrilled for words
      Thanks for reading, as always!

      Reply
  4. Amit

    I really liked the Karan Johar one and the one with Vidya Balan in it. Do you know there is a movie titled – Ek Thi Dayan releasing next year?

    Reply
  5. Tanmay

    The scary thing is that we may actually see half of these in some shape or form :)
    What abt Saifeena’s post-wedding extravaganza? Oh wait…that’s already an ongoing reality show on news channels!

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Hehheh…wouldn’t it be great if we watched one of these as a large group like in the good old IMRB days!
      Btw, I think my 11-15 list will include Agent and Mrs Vinod, the sequel to the best spy thriller of last year.

      Reply
  6. pradeep

    Some imagination , Rickie- Yes and actually you may see some of these happening , knowing all the ‘woods’ (bolly, kolly, molly etc)

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Hah! I am thinking – given that there is no way in hell that I can look like or smooch my way into Bollywood like Emraan Hashmi, the only course I have left is to change my last name to Bhatt. I think I might just blend in. Of late, I have started looking like Pooja Bhatt anyway!
      Thanks for reading!

      Reply
  7. BhavanaDiary

    My goodness, what a list!
    I thought I would never find another Indian who would like to write a satirical piece such as this on bollywood. Thank goodness I found one!
    I was into fits of laughter, banging the floor of my home. It took 10 minutes for my husband to make me sit on a chair!!

    Reply

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