They may look like a perfectly happy couple now, but do you know that the first date between Saif and Kareena almost didn’t go quite right? This is what the waiters at The Zodiac Grill at The Taj overheard of that meeting many months ago.
Kareena Kapoor : Hello!
Saif Ali Khan : Oh, hello, Bebo! I mean, I hope you don’t mind me calling you that…
Kareena : No, no problem at all, Uncle!
Saif : <Coughs> Errm…I wish you wouldn’t call me that…
Kareena : Call you what?
Saif : I mean, Uncle! Uncle is such a…such a formal word, isn’t it? You could just call me…
Kareena : Chachu?
Saif : No, no, not that!
Kareena : Mamu, then?
Saif : Why don’t we just call each other by our names? We both have such cool names. You could just call me Saif.
Kareena : Haww…I used to call Amrita aunty Amrita aunty, na! And you have always called me Kareena beta. Remember your wedding? I was wearing my pink frock and plastic clips in my hair. I must have been 2 years old or something. You must have been, what, 50?
Saif : You were 10. I was 19. But that was many years ago. We are both grown ups and mature adults now! We don’t have to be formal any more.
Kareena : Ok, Unc…I mean, Saif-ji…?
Saif : Saif. Just Saif. Please.
Kareena : Ok, Saif.
Saif : So, Bebo, how are things going?
Kareena : Oh, things are going great! Especially after I broke up with that lazy loser Shahid! You know, jab we met no, I thought it would be cool to get married to someone who already had Kapoor as a surname. But he is just so…blehh!
Saif : I see. Is it important for you to retain your surname after marriage?
Kareena : Yeah, sure. I am a Kapoor after all. Our family has achieved so much! You know why the Karishma – Abhishek engagement broke?
Saif : Why?
Kareena : Because he didn’t want to change his name from Abhishek Bachchan to Abhishek Kapoor. What a loser!
Saif : Naturally.
Kareena : I know, right! I mean, look at Karishma! She is considered to be the most famous actress of all time!
Saif : Oh, she is?
Kareena : Of course, that was why she was the heroine of all No. 1 films – Biwi No. 1, Hero No. 1 etc. etc. Why else would they name those films after her?
Saif : I see.
Kareena : And now, she is about to release her comeback film – Dangerous Ishqq 3D. I think the Khans had better watch out!
Saif : You mean I should be worried?
Kareena : You? Why?
Saif : You just said – the Khans had better watch out.
Kareena : Oh, sorry, I meant Aamir ji, Sallu bhai and SRK. You are not really in their league, na.
Saif : Ouch…that hurt…
Kareena : I mean, you are a Khan, too, but still not quite one. They are like – KHAAAAAAN. You are just – khan. You know what I mean?
Saif : Not really. But you do realize that I am as accomplished as them, right?
Kareena : Oh, yeah, yeah, I didn’t mean you are not old like them.
Saif : <Coughs> I mean, I am not that old.
Kareena : You are what now…like, 50 or something?
Saif : No, no, I am waaaaay younger than that!
Kareena : You know, Lolo is many years older than me. Many times, I just call her Daadi-ma. She is just sooo old! You know she even colours her hair! Have you seen her Garnier hair dye TV ads?
Saif : <Coughs> But many people colour their hair…no harm in that!
Kareena : Yeah, old people do! Like Aishwarya ji in her L’Oreal ads! By the way, I just re-bagged Heroine, that movie she was supposed to do with Madhur ji. I think it’s going to be another Mother India. A total classic!
Saif : Congratulations…yes, I can already see it as the biggest success of 2012! Madhur and his hard-hitting brand of cinema. In fact, I am hoping that he will someday make a male-oriented film called Halwaai and sign me up for that.
Kareena : Oh wow, really?
Saif : Never mind that. You know, there are many other great things on the anvil for 2012…
Kareena : Really? Like what?
Saif : Have you heard of Agent Vinod?
Kareena : Agent Vinod…hmmm…I think so. Isn’t it a brand of phenyl? Strong chemical agent to clean floor ke kaale kaale daag? I think they asked me to be their brand ambassador once. Before I bagged the Boroplus campaign.
Saif : <Coughs> No, no…nothing like that. It’s a new movie I am planning. Like James Bond. Agent = Spy, get it?
Kareena : Oh, I get it!
Saif : Would you be interested in playing the female lead in the film?
Kareena : I would be, but only if the character is very hat-ke. Something so unusual that it doesn’t even exist! Like, if you are a RAW agent, I could play a female Pakistani spy! Who is also good hearted! It will be sensational! I bet you, no one can even imagine a character like that, let alone play one! A good female ISI spy!
Saif : Yeah, that does sound absolutely unusual! Never in a million years will we ever have Aamir, SRK, or even that box-office ka Ek Hi Tiger Salman have his heroine play a Pakistani agent in their film! We could be the pioneers of this genre!
Kareena : Super excited! This will be another Sholay at the box office !
Saif : My God, we will have a Sholay and a Mother India in the same year!
Kareena : Good times!
Saif : I think we make a great pair!
Kareena : Yes, won’t it be great if we won the Filmfare awards together in 2012? Me for Heroine and you for Agent James!
Saif : Agent Bond. I mean Vinod James. I mean…
Kareena : Agent Vinod, yes, yes, sorry!
Saif : Yeah, but what I meant was that we make a great pair not just professionally. I think we are at the same wavelength personally as well.
Kareena : I know! Like the connection that M.F. Hussain and Madhuri Dixit have!
Saif : <Coughs> No, no, not like them!
Kareena : You mean, like M.F. Hussain and Tabu, then?
Saif : No! I don’t mean M.F. Hussain at all!
Kareena : Who then?
Saif : I was thinking more like Amit ji and Jaya ji, Rishi uncle and Neetu aunty. Like Shah Rukh and Karan. Like Riteish and Genelia.
Kareena : Oh! But you are so…
Saif : I am so what? Royal, suave, articulate? Charming?
Kareena : I was going to say o…
Saif : Opulent? I am a Chhota Nawab. Opulence runs in our blood. Have you not seen my mother?
Kareena : Yes, she does look good even though she is so old. How old is she, like 100?
Saif : You had better not say that in front of her. But yes, she does look great. And as Begum of Pataudi, she is royalty. Owner of all the khandaani riches – clothes, jewellery, land.
Kareena : Hmm…
Saif : All of which will be inherited by the next Begum…
Kareena : Amrita aunty?
Saif : We are divorced now!
Kareena : Oh, you mean your next begum!
Saif : I am just saying.
Kareena : Interesting thought – you and me. At least my initials won’t change!
Saif : That’s right!
Kareena : Though, if it ever gets serious between us, everyone will maaro PJs about our age difference!
Saif : Not at all. No one will even notice the age difference! There is hardly any, anyway!
Kareena : But you are old…
Saif : I am not…
Kareena : Geriatric almost.
Saif : <Coughs> Let’s talk about something else. Should we just order something? How about some wine?
Kareena : Sure. As long as it’s vintage.
Saif : Dammit!
Kareena : <Laughs>