There Is No “NA” In HARYANA!

Watch it! It’s my state you are talking about!

Screaming News Channels. Extremely Large Font-Sized Newspaper Headlines. Angry Blogosphere. Noise, Noise, Noise, I say! Amidst all this Hulla-Ballu over its supposed toxicity, it is really up to the proud residents of the glorious Dominion of Haryana to rise up and stop its gang balatkaar. Since when did mere trifles of Rape, Khap, No Law-and-Order and the absence of Roads, Bijli, Paani and other Infrastructure define this state, when there is so much else to be proud of? So, all you Prophets of Jat Doom, read and learn why David Dhawan would choose Haryana as the Hero if he ever were to make a film called Rajya No. 1.

The Generous Gender Gap. Haryana is, potentially, the global leader in so-called “skewed” sex-ratio. Like the foolish scientists who complain about global warming (why, wouldn’t you want to be able to visit Kashmir all year round, you tell me?), some misguided people are fretting over the 877 females per 1000 males population. Does no one remember the good old days when Sita got to choose her Man from a bunch of dhoti clad princes? Or Draupadi and her 5 Keeps? Stop this chatter about the Haryanvi Abla Naari. If anything, it’s the Men of the state who are suffering – look at the competition they face! Wisely, the state is making every effort to hold on to Pre-history. 21st century, no, thank you, you can wait indefinitely.

The Maul. Haryana pioneered the Mall Culture in India! What better way for Indians to spend every waking hour of their spare time than in confined spaces where every brand label and every store is conveniently priced out of reach? The Malls of Gurgaon – where folks go to get their Aloo Tikki McD burger, and also to get inspired to work even harder for things that they can’t afford today. Or tomorrow, for that matter.

The Chowk-a-Block state. Chowk, a glorious piece of city topography that draws towards itself humans in implausible numbers. Humans in their many, many cars, scooters, buses, rickshaws and tempos. Some might tactlessly liken this coalescence of seemingly chaotic human activity to a “traffic jam”. Let’s call it “Extreme Vehicular Plurality” instead, shall we? EVP is a sure sign of development and modernity. While Delhi has the occasional Chandni Chowk and Lucknow something singularly named Chowk, it is Gurgaon that pales everyone else with its preponderance of these exalted chowks – the beacons of prosperity. There is one every 500 yards! There ‘s a Shankar Chowk and a Rajiv Chowk. Heck, there are even chowks with corporate sponsorships attached – Hero Honda Chowk, IFFCO Chowk, DLF-Robert Vadra Chowk, Pepsi Chowk, Bee-tex Mull-hum Chowk etc. With millions and millions of folks sitting quietly in their standstill vehicles, going nowhere very slowly, mulling their wonderful lives – it’s a sight for Lord Buddha to behold!

The Queen. Mallika Sherawat. Haryana’s gift to Mankind! Of course, when I say Mankind, I really only mean Man.

Miss Haryana. Forever.

Go Pal Kanda, Go! A state where people with a “Kan Do” attitude thrive. If you are a child at heart (e.g. love toys like automatic guns and imported SUVs), indulge in playful jest (e.g. write cheques that bounce), are enviably social (e.g. have deep political connections), can charm the ladies (e.g. chase air hostesses till they give in, or give up, or check out), and still have feet firmly placed on the ground (and by ground, we mean land – lots and lots of real estate), SKY is the limit for you in Haryana!

The Khap Panchayati Raj. The coveted Moral Police that the rest of the country craves for but only fortuitous Haryana is endowed with. Aside from preventing the grave depravity of inter-caste liaisons – e.g. a Haryanvi – Bengali marriage (Really, Bajra ki Khichdi followed by Sandesh? Have you no shame?), these Guardians Of Distinguished Thought also protect Haryana’s Men Folk from the overreaching jurisprudence of the Indian State. Pooh-pooh, thank you very much! The Khap makes its own decisions and if you can’t agree, you can go swing (hang?) from a tree. The Haryana Women Folk might appear to be unfortunate collateral damage of these Wise Decisions, but hey, it is noble to sacrifice oneself for the larger good, no?

Saddi Marutti. The state that gave the country its first automobile! Something that Chunni, Babbi, Dolly, Vikky, their Mummy Papa, and Tommy, the dog could finally be proud to be seen in. (I am sorry, but by just taking off its iron-tracks and slapping on 4 tyres instead, and giving it a chic name like The Ambassador cannot alter reality. So what that it has existed since 1955 – a battle tank is a battle tank, not a car. Like they say, it doesn’t matter if you put lipstick on a pig – it’s still a pig)

Gaali Gaali Mein Shor Hai. Ah, the infectious charm of the Haryanvi tongue! Even if two Haryana Jats were only sharing notes on something as innocuous as the horsepower of their tractors, a non-Haryanvi passerby might mistake it to be an exchange on the coital habits of Mothers and Sisters. Let us be very clear – A for Aandal, B for Bose-DK and C for Choo Tee Ah – is NOT a part of the Haryana Education Board syllabus. While it may be true that no literature was ever penned in Haryanvi, it is still the most charming sound of the soil. And you know what makes it sound even more charming? A lath in your hand. You must try it!

So, Shame On You, you elitist folks, for coldly ignoring the virtues of the land that gave us Bhajan Lal, Devi Lal, Chautala, Hooda and Sushma Swaraj. I am sure if threatened appropriately, even Kapil Dev would agree in his delightful Anglo-Saxon-Hissar accent – “Haryana da jawaab nahi!”

 

Comments

comments

39 thoughts on “There Is No “NA” In HARYANA!

  1. purbaray

    Bhai sahab, aap ne to humari ankein khol dee…..

    Have they appointed Rickie Khosla as the brand ambassador for Haryana! Thought of a tagline yet? Here’s my two annas – cum to Haryana 😀

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      See, my philosophy is clear – Jis thali mein khao, usko unholey mat karo!
      (Waise, I am only doing this promotion to get into the good books of Robert Vadra – ab aap se kya chupana)

      Reply
  2. alkagurha

    Looks like you are the brand ambassador of our state…it is indeed a place of striking contrasts.

    And all the rapes are only due to excess consumption of chowmein ( Says a khap leader). So true. Ban choemein and no rapes no molestation. Simple.

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      I just read that this morning! Though I am surprised that anyone eats Chinese food in Haryana. This is Robert Vadra land. Yahan toh the staple food is Spaghetti and Meatballs and other Italian cuisine!

      Reply
  3. Amit

    Haryana has given me roti, kapda aur makaan. So, I am with you. Put a ‘Haryana Boy’ poster on your car’s rear screen. Or you can also add – “I love Chinkis. We buy them to marry our boys because we kill all our girls.”

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Oh what you missed listing out is that apart from roti, kapda and makaan, Haryana has also given you that confident gait – which one has simply by virtue of being a guy in this state!
      Loose morals wale chowmein eaters!! Khap wale mujhe apni lassi mein dibo dibo kar kha jayenge.

      Reply
  4. Phoenixritu

    Myself Ma Rithambra Devi, Achievement : I have survived in this Ma ki sorry Baap ki &^%$ state. Mai Baap of Haryana, you must give me donasun for it! All hail the latest Baap of Haryana, Khosla Sahib

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Dear Rithambra Devi…bas, Vadra ji apna haath ek baar sar par rakh dein, uske baad toh hamari bas chandi hi chandi hai. Donasun toh badi tuchch cheez hai, aapko toh Aravali Hills mein plot dilwayenge.

      Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      hehheh….ab toh aap mujhe Brand Hero (Honda) bhi bula sakti hain!
      Anyway, for a state with so many redeeming values, my saying anything about it is quite like Sooraj ko laltain dikhana!

      Reply
  5. Akanksha Dureja

    Haryana ki itni tareef, ek sath maien kabhi nai suni. Really, aapne to chaar chaand laga diye.
    Bas 1 cheez miss kar di, Honor Killings.

    Anyways, I happened to interact with a guy from Hisar, Haryana today. It was shocking to see a software engineer talk about the “relevance” of Khaaps in Haryana. According to him, ” People of this state can’t survive without the khaaps,and will kill each other for slightest of things. Khaaps are the preservers of culture and they resolve issues faced by people. ”

    I know this guy, and he is quite a normal guy, otherwise who opens doors for the ladies, talks politely etc. I am now thinking over the possibility of these khaaps trying to impose the belief of their relevance and hence rightful existence by some means I am not really aware of.

    Also, Check out a comment on my last blog posts where I wrote a letter to the khaaps. I tweeted it to ‘Jat-World’ and someone from the group cared to reply. What the guy wrote was shocking, but I don’t believe it.

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      You know, these Khaps remind me of a similar social protocol that exists in Afghanistan. Basically, any society that is nothing but a bunch of ill tempered clans who can’t stand each other need some way to keep the peace. Khaps are essential for that. Or so they were a 100 years ago. If things haven’t improved in 2012, SHAME ON THEIR KIND OF SOCIETY. That is all there is to it.
      I think I did read that post…anyway, will check it out again!

      Reply
        1. Rickie Khosla Post author

          Just read the essay and the comment. I don’t know what is true or not. But one thing is certain. Never expect any real news from this country’s media. They really do only sensationalism wala journalism. Iss par bhi ek post banta hai.

          Reply
  6. Janhvi

    Wow! My first time here, and am I impressed. Everyone is right, you should become the ambassador of the state that has given us the best concrete jungle (Gurgaon) in India. We owe so much to this state, thanks for reminding us that! 🙂

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Thanks for stopping by, Janhvi! Do read some of the other write ups…hopefully, you will like those, too!
      Good point about Gurgaon being a concrete jungle. Seriously, if you stood at street level and tilted your head up 45 degrees, the skyline of Gurgaon would enchant you – it could be Singapore or London. Unfortunately, if you then tilted your head down 45 degrees, you would see the broken roads and the tattered sidewalks…it might as well be Burundi and Chad!

      Reply
  7. mayuri

    Of all the languages that i have ever abused in…I swear Haryanvi works wonders to your soul
    And ever attended a hard core Haryanvi marriage?? I haven’t found a better entertainment source yet …

    I am glad atleast sumbdy stepped up to acknowledge the truly deserving Rajya no.1

    Reply
  8. ddeepa

    LOL Rickie. This is the first and most positive post I have ever read about Haryana! Where were you when the entire nation was bashing the state? You should have stood up in Face the Nation against all those others trying to defend Haryana – you’d have done a mighty fine job I must say!

    Reply
  9. Rachna Parmar

    If nothing else, you can expect some favors from Madam Sherawat for this Haryana promotion post though if she comes dressed in that gown, you might not want to be seen with her :). Great post as usual. I was on vacation and luckily missed the crappy news. Some days I wish that I threw away my newspapers, TV and don’t browse the net.

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      Ah ok, I was wondering why you had been so quiet! Hope you had a good time off. Next time, you should chillax at a DLF-Vadra property in Haryana 🙂
      And I have no idea what you have against that gown…it does its job! Hehhehhe!

      Reply
      1. Rachna Parmar

        Yes, I did a post about my trip to Ooty. And,the real relaxation comes only if one can detach oneself from the internet, don’t you agree? Now, it is back to an overload of work so am going slow on the blog hop. Any new movie reviews coming up?

        Reply
        1. Rickie Khosla Post author

          Yes, will read your new post shortly. Been down with a bad throat infection and flu so have been taking it easy myself.
          I need to check if there is something new from Akshay Kumar in the works! Bas, those and Sajid Khan movies are the only ones worth reviewing! 😉

          Reply
  10. roshni tavadia

    Bas sare Warlld main phamus hai haryana! For consensual rape! And after all, desh ke jamia ki bhi chahati jagah hai yeh!

    Reply
  11. Soham

    Ha ha…”Mallika Sherawat” actually hails from Haryana…never knew that 🙂 And the thing about Mall Culture..Ah..You just spoke my mind 🙂

    Reply

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