I walked into the Indian Writers section at the Landmark Book Store the other day. The Fiction area was well stocked with new material, with fancy covers with fancier titles. I flipped through a few. The jacket write ups sounded intriguing. However, and interestingly, all the books I checked out could be neatly arranged into two distinct genres – they were either of one kind or the other one.
Now, since my own book (which is going to be awesome when it is ready in 2026, as I keep telling myself) is going nowhere very slowly, I think I will need a new profession in the interim. I could become a Book Jacket Copywriter! How come? Well, one, I can make any rubbish sound exciting, and two, there are only two genres that Indians love to read anyway. So, how difficult could it be to break into this career?
As a first step towards putting together a portfolio, I have prepared two jacket templates, based on self-imagined pieces of undoubtedly brilliant fiction – one for each of the two genres I just alluded to. A little bit of edits and these templates can be universally applied to any book that is sent my way by the marketing departments at Harpers or Penguin. Hey, Folks at Harpers and Penguin, I am open for business!
2012 : Time for the pre-historic plunder to begin again!
Here’s the jacket template for the first genre. The Mythological Thriller.
The Unholy Legend of the Kamasura’s Bindu : Part I of the Aryabhata Trilogy
By Sunando Bhattacharjee
Hundreds of thousands of years ago, the Kama Asuras and the Puru Asuras, the two warring kingdoms of the planet of Chirubhan were at war unto death. The Purus were defeated eventually after the 1000 year war. Amidst the pillage that followed, a band of the Purus managed to pack whatever was left of their universe in a small glass cage and sneaked their way out to a galaxy millions of light years away. They found a new home. They called it Prithvi, or Earth, and they hid there for centuries.
Cut to the present. According to the great Aryabhata’s astro-mathematical calculations, the Kama Asuras are bound to uncover the trails of their old battle adversary again in 2012. The grand prize they seek is the Puru Universe, saved inside a tiny round glass cage the size of a child’s marble. It is safe in the house of Puru Rajkumar, the anointed king, hiding in plain sight as the one-time failed actor son of a Bollywood legend. Safe, did we say? Not quite, because Puru Rajkumar’s 4 year old son just swallowed it thinking it was a marble.
As the doctors work hard to extricate the swallowed glass ball, the Kamas and the Purus are set to meet again in another royal battle for universal domination. But first, they must frisk through the badgered child’s potty and liberate the marble. And by that, we mean, the Universe. It’s a shitty task but whoever said Winning was easy? So, who will win this battle for supremacy this time?
This 279 page legend of a book will keep you up nights. Grab Part I of this historical trilogy at your nearest bookstore today! Remember, the Kamasuras are coming!
(Standard Requirements of this genre : Of course, all of the above is rubbish, doesn’t make any sense, and all that ‘history’ and ‘mythology’ has been pulled straight out of the imaginary writer’s fat ass, but, hey, at least it’s a trilogy! All Mythological Thrillers come in threes. And with a jacket as impressive as the one that I have written, readers are bound to throng bookstores to buy their copy – quite like Mika clamouring all over for a free kiss from Rakhi Sawant. By the way, since the title had to have at least two mythological names in it, one cooked-up and one sorta identifiable, I chose Kamasura and Aryabhata. Bindu, is just that boobylicious moll from 1960-70’s Bollywood, but the word fits well here, right?)
I Love You Even More Than Too Much
On to Genre no. 2. The Chick Lit.
Da Lovisstory Of Da Miss’d Calls : (SMS : Sid Marries Shraddha) : By Loveleena Poojary Anand
Their eyes met in class and there was unbridled passion from the word go. Unfortunately, they were both seeing different people at the time. It was a complication they would cloak with their surreptitious coitus – in the bathroom, at the library, behind the refrigerator even. He would give a missed call, and she would come. She would give a missed call, and he would cum.
Endless charades later, as they were about to leave college, they discovered this was love. Their older, as-yet-unsuspecting loves were dumped (in about 3 chapters of sheer torment for everyone – and by that I really mean e-v-e-r-y-b-o-d-y).
Find out how amidst career, sex, parents, sex, day-to-day drudgery, sex, marriage, sex, other things and plenty of sex, Sid and Shreds find out that true love conquers everything. As they say to each other at the end of their travails, in their quaint American parlance – “If it ain’t love, it ain’t anything.” The End. Or is it just the Beginning?
This 291 page Requiem to Love is sure to rip your heart out, chop it into little pieces and then reassemble most of it back. You will find out how YOU are Sid and Shreds. A love story that spares nothing. (And no one) Get your copy TODAY!
(Standard requirements of this genre : Boy and Girl must come from (and have met at) a premier educational institution. Check. They must use Hinglish and SMS lingo liberally. Check. As mst the authr wen he/she narates de storie. Chk. Boy must be tall and handsome, with an athletic body. Check. Girl should be slim, very pretty, with “long dark lustrous hair, eyes like saucers, and a full bosom”. Absolutely. Plenty of melodrama is a must, mainly in the form of misunderstandings. Check. She smokes, and he hates that she smokes. Yup. He cooks very well. Aww, yes, yes. They must go at it like rabbits – and by that we mean p-l-e-n-t-y of pre-marital sex. Check. Her mother must be worried about her marriage. Of course. LIVE IN relationship is essential. Double check. Love triangle? Triple Check. They must be “Software Engineers” by profession. Check. Oh, and lastly, there must be plenty of the slopy writing, grammertical error and spellng mistakes. We would’nt have any it other way.)
That was a perfect analysis of the current popular genres, Ricky. LOL You have your profession cut out and when your book comes out, (long before 2026) it will be superhit, because you have the genres licked 🙂
Thanks, Zephyr!
I think if I merged the two genres in my new book, I sure will have a winner…hehhehh 😀
WE have our own 50…err…sorry 100 shades of Vermilion and Haldi…padke lal peele ho jaayenge. Waiting for 2026.
Thanks! And I hope 2026 moves forward by about 13 years! 🙂
ROFL Loved your post Rickie. I wonder where to put my books – ahhhhh, both are just YA I guess.
With so much of appreciation you are getting on Hilawi, I am sure I will like it. That is my next buy, I promise!
Glad you liked the post! 🙂
I agree with Rachna. You will write the blurb for my book too, I promise you its not 50 shades of turmeric or 100 shades of garam masala
Hahhah….Done deal!
This was brilliant, Rickie ;). Tongue in cheek, incorrigible and harious. I will write a chick lit only to give the jacket writing to you :D.
It’s a DEAL! 😀
Hilarious. Damn this typing on the cellphone.
That was brilliant and in a way it summarizes why most of us avoid Indian authors 😉
Btw, 2026 kisne dekha hai, you better get off your lazy bum and start writing!
Sachchi…I get distracted from the book too easily! 🙂
With Kamasuras already in the kitty, you got the two genres merged anyway – or have I mistaken the meaning of kama? 🙂 So what is with this 2026 business? I think you should be out with it in 2012 🙂
That’s half the job done already – selecting a (or two!) winning genre. Now, how I wish the book wrote itself! 🙂
Brilliant read as usual ! Wonder where are national author fits in Mr chetan bhagat ! He is neither !
Arrey woh toh, as you know, purush hi nahi hain. CB toh mahapurush hain!
My money is on the second genre. Can weave in some of the mythological stuff when you handle the parents of the lovestruck, senseless kids. I haven’t read any of the desi authors writing that genre, so will wait for your book. I maybe dead in 2026, so will appreciate said book being moved along.
Hilarious article. I am definitely going to Landmark when I am in India next month.
Thanks for reading, Deenu!
Hah….yes, do make that trip to Landmark or Crossword. Even if you buy just one Chick Lit, you should be able to claim you have read them all! It’s quite like watching Hindi serials 😉
Please please tell me you will not dissect my book like this? *I am shuddering with terror*
Hah! With your book, I will probably land up in hospital. There is only so much belly ache due to laughing that a human being can endure!
You know I was planning on writing a tongue and cheek post on the current genres in Indian literature but then you beat me to it ! Damn I should really get off my ass and post more regularly 😛 As usual brilliantly written and very witty 🙂 . I shall not even attempt to write my post now 😛 😛
No, no, you must write! There is so much fodder there when it comes to this topic!! 😀
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Ha Ha Ha. Nice one. But it is so true that I am not sure whether to laugh or to cry.
😀
I actually just get scared thinking about it….I am sure my book (which will be neither genre) will sell just 2 copies – I will buy one copy…and force my mother to buy one, too!
I am sure all you blog fans will buy it.
I was planning to write a trilogy of the first variety. But realized it is getting so maligned that I should think of something else.
I’m sure you’ll be great at whatever genre you choose. Good luck!
Quite a Sarky take on both the genres. I have yet to read any of the Indian Authors. I started reading ‘Immortals of Melhua’ but could not finish it as the language jarred my brain cells. As for chicklit, I read it only when I am in a mood for some light reading. Enjoyed your post..
I am glad you liked it, Vinita!
I have not read much of the fantasy fiction genre as I do not find it appealing. It does look like it might turn out to be India’s fourth largest contribution to world literature, after the epics, the gita, and tagore. Thanks for the checklist, I still have a long way to go to measure up with the masters of the chic klit genre, my writing barely gets to the halfway mark. Not sure which direction to go, forward or backward.
Well, going by the writings on your blog, it doesn’t matter what genre you choose, the results will be great! If you are indeed on planning on writing a book, I hope you do so soon. I shall look forward to it.
Thanks for the comment!
This story made my day. Standard requirements of this genre: ….Yup. He cooks very well. Aww, yes, yes. They must go at it like rabbits – and by that we mean p-l-e-n-t-y of pre-marital sex…This is hilarious!
Glad you liked it! Thanks for the appreciative comment.
I almost fell off my chair laughing…brilliant take on the genres!!!
BTW….I am planning my book release in the same year (2026) 😉 We ll try and spare each other’s books..what say? 😉
Yes, that’s a deal! But let’s keep it the second half of 2026…that will give us more time! 😉
Glad you liked the post…I knew you would!
I am still laughing….I hope I shut up before my manager comes to check what am I reading that’s so hilarious 😀
Thanks so much for reading through so many blog posts! I am glad you are liking them!
I had a great time writing this tongue-in-cheek post!