This post is my submission for the Surf Excel Matic #SoakNoMore contest on Indiblogger. Surf Excel Matic : Remove tough stains in the machine without soaking!
September 10, 2013 : New Delhi : Details are fast emerging today of a massive scandal that has left India awash with shock and awe. While past scandals have soaked the disaffected nation in distrust and instability, this new one appears to have had remarkably positive repercussions. Media analysts are calling it Surfgate, named after the brand Surf Excel Matic whose extraordinary tactics have caused the overwhelming difference that has come about to our lives recently.
People from all walks of life have sensed a massive change for the better in the way the country is being run today. There is general consensus that this shift started six months ago – about the same time that Surf Excel Matic-sponsored public pool parties started getting organized all across the country. These special parties were arranged in VVIP areas in the national and state capitals, and people from many backgrounds, but mainly politicians, bureaucrats, corporate and civil society leaders and others in important public positions, were invited to attend. Elaborate food and entertainment provisions were made, leading to the attendees to unanimously sing paeans about the arrangements and about the enjoyment they were having. The piece-de-resistance at these shindigs was, obviously, always the glorious pool itself (these being pool parties, after all), and people of various shapes, sizes, gender, hues and hirsuteness were seen dunking themselves in the inviting waters amidst all the eating, drinking and socializing.
Now, here is the remarkable part. All those who have attended these pool parties have claimed to be feeling fresher, lighter, freer and amiable, and consequently, more empathetic, accessible, accountable, responsible and earnest. But, perhaps more than anything else, they have felt 100% clean, untainted and incorruptible.
The reason for this change in mood, attitude and behaviour had been unclear. Until today, that is. Our investigative journalists have unearthed a massive plot by the most distinguished detergent brand in the country – Surf Excel Matic – behind this extraordinary transformation of our ruling class.
It has now been confirmed that, unbeknownst to all, the organizers of these parties have been lacing their pool waters with Surf Excel Matic! Owing to new Surf Excel Matic’s mighty vibrating molecules that, despite no soaking, penetrate deep into embedded dirt and stains and remove them effectively, the effect on our country’s squalid powers-that-be has been nothing short of miraculous. As more and more such folks unknowingly took dips in these pools, deep-seated impurities, grime, muck, filth and other forms of illicitness were pulled out of their minds and bodies like magic, leaving them cleaner, and therefore, better human beings.
A half-year on since these Surfgate parties started, and the country is practically unrecognizable. The shocking results are there for everyone to see. The latest national statistics released this morning show that the GDP for the last quarter was 11.5%, the highest in the world. The Rupee is now trading at 42 to a dollar, the strongest in a decade, leading to lower food and fuel prices and inflation. The Parliament is functioning with amazing smoothness, and important bills are being passed with intelligent debate and magnanimous consensus. When asked in a recent interview, Lok Sabha Speaker Meira Kumar couldn’t remember the last time she had to say, “Shaant ho jayiye. Baith jaiye”, in Parliament. A bunch of TV news channels have had to shut down because there is no more room for bellicose debate and rancour to be covered. Corruption has virtually vanished. The latest Time magazine issue features India on its cover with the headline – “India : The Giant Rises. Can anything stop it now?”
The average Indian appears delighted at the changes. The banishment of corruption and all forms of impropriety have expectedly restored his faith in the country and its establishments. A couple of catchphrases that have become very popular among the citizenry are –
How to save yourself from Corruption ridicule?
Make friends with a Vibrating Molecule!
Black Money looking scared and running frantic
Look out, it’s being chased by Surf Excel Matic
Interestingly, despite the revolutionary nation-building side-effects of Surf Excel Matic, its original benefit of providing a brilliant machine-wash without soaking has not gone unnoticed. Most people seemed thrilled with the quality of washing. “I can’t even begin to tell you how much time I can save during the day now. Clothes have to soak no more, they go straight to the washing cycle! No stains, just a brilliant clean!” said Malini Dey, a senior corporate executive with a multi-national in Kolkata and a mother of two. However, despite the universally acknowledged benefits, there were still a few disgruntled people that our team ran into. S. Susheela, a housewife in Chennai, told our reporter, ”All those compliments of – Is that a new saree? – even when what I am wearing is a 6-year old one, are all gone. There was a time when I was the only one who used Surf Excel Matic. Now everyone is using it, and everyone seems to be wearing old clothes that look brand new. It’s disgusting!” Clearly, it is difficult to please everyone.
So, where does that leave the perpetrators of the Surfgate scandal itself? Consensus is building across the country that despite the clandestine nature of the act, the contribution of Surf Excel Matic in effectively cleansing the moral fabric of the nation cannot be ignored. Add to that, the speed with which this ‘wash’ was accomplished, where not a minute was lost in soaking the citizenry in useless and long winded sermons and platitudes, and Surf Excel Matic’s act becomes beyond invaluable.
The Surfgate matter is expected to be presented in front of the Supreme Court shortly. A complete absolution is expected imminently. This will be one scandal with an ‘Excel’lent ending!