On Why The Absence Of The Monsoon Is A Gift From The Gods

It looks like the Monsoon has failed to keep its date with us this year. I say, so what? Think rationally and you will agree that we are all the better for it not infesting our lives every year. Read on to know how –

Bring in the romance – A lack of monsoon invariably means reduced, or better still, no power supply. Learn to live without electricity altogether. Candlelight is so much more romantic. With the TV gone (no more saas-bahu serials and jagmagaati safedi ads), families will suddenly have time to rediscover the joys of antakshari and gilli-danda. Add to that, all the time that you will save by not having to change bulbs, or cleaning ceiling fans and room coolers, or servicing ACs. And you can finally roll in your 650 L double door refrigerator to your bedroom and use it to store clothes and shoes, just like you have always felt tempted to do. You will notice that its shelving is ideally suited for organizing clothes and accessories, rather than pateelas and kadhais. (Useful tip – Unused ceiling fans make wonderful merry-go-rounds for your pet hamsters. You must try it!)

All round productivity gains – No water will make people finally realize the futility of Bathing and Showering in India. These are wholly unnecessary activities. In the Indian summer heat, one begins to perspire the moment one turns off the tap and reaches for the towel. And as you hang by the pole in that crowded metro or local train contorting your face at your neighour’s smelly armpit, remember that your neighbour is having the same thoughts about you! The collective productivity gains achieved when 1.2 billion people save an average of a half-hour each day by giving up bathing and showering altogether will surely push our national GDP up by a few points. (Useful tip – Unused buckets and mugs make great plant containers. However, aim to go for only hardy plants like the cactus.)

Home Accessorization – Accessorize all parts of the house with unused bathroom fittings. We know, you spent a fortune installing the coolest contraptions from Koehler and Jaguar in your marbled bathroom. That was hardly long term thinking, was it? Now that you are not likely to use that space for activities other than quick nos. 1 and 2, remove them from the bathroom and install them in other areas of the house as quaint artistic installations. (Useful tip – Koehler faucets can be used as posh ketchup dispensers. Some plumbing expertise may be required.)

Flourishing fairness cosmetics business – With the new reality of the sun bearing down 365 days a year, every Indian will resolutely pledge allegiance to the Fair and Lovely (or Handsome) brand. Sales will shoot through the roof. (Useful tip – Trade in their stock TODAY.)

Get to know your children better – The impish monsoon had a fiendish ability to downpour only during rush hour, causing spectacular traffic snarls that could be seen from the moon. An evening shower typically meant people leaving office at six but only reaching home past midnight. Now with the monsoon gone forever, everyone, especially parents, can heave a sigh of relief. Back to business as usual will mean just the normal traffic jams caused by potholed roads, crazy drivers and cattle. Leaving office at six will ensure that you are home by 9, still in time to read that last fairy tale to your child as you tuck her in.

Healthy, Wealthy and Roly-poly – Food prices are likely to touch the sky. Kids can rejoice because prices of vegetables and fruits will finally be beyond the reach of all parents. Chips and Pepsi will be your new staple – after all, the price of Coke and Pepsi seems to fall every year as they come up with even larger pack sizes. The 25L bottle of Pepsi is not just a pipe dream any longer.

Old Wine in New Avatar – Such a pity that your bank recently gifted you that giant, colourful umbrella when you opened a new savings account – you will hardly need it to keep away the rain, will you? Anyway, all is not lost. Use it as a shooing mechanism to keep crowds away during stampede-like situations. For example, while boarding the metro or the local, or an Air India flight. (Useful tip – Old raincoats can be gifted to parents of bed-wetting children. Please be empathetic when doing so. Do not mock.)

Turn a blind eye – Have you always hated that new architectural monstrosity that has come up directly in your line of sight from your bedroom window? With its absurd lines and super shiny windows? Well, stress no longer because dry earth means dust storms all day, every day. Those glorious clouds of dust will make that giant building only 100 feet away fog out of your life forever. (Useful tip – Keep alerting your 6-year old child that he/she must continue to colour the sky blue during art class. It must never be painted brown, as it is in reality. Art teachers in school frown upon realistic-looking art work.)

Goodbye, Nino and Nina – Those poor folks at the Meteorological Department can finally be put out of their misery. To have to learn Spanish phrases like El Nino, La Nina etc., predict the unpredictability of the ‘normalness’ of the monsoon, or just broadcast limp forecasts each day (e.g. Generally clear skies with the possibility of thunder showers in the evening) – there has got to be more to life than that! With the monsoon abandoning India, the Met Department can finally be disbanded for good, and their hapless staff released into the world to lead a better life.

Oil Shakes – People all around the country are likely to run into immeasurable wealth. This is on account of the fact that the water-table is now likely to drop to spectacular depths. Drilling deep borewells into the earth’s crust in their quest for water, citizens, especially in cities in North India, are likely to strike oil and gold instead! (Useful tip – Do not try to fill your car and scooter tank with that black liquid shooting out of your hand pump. This is still unrefined (crude) oil – it will seize the engine. Instead, fill it in canisters and sell it to your local black marketer.)

It’s not just a Mirage – The slogan ‘India Shining’ will finally become an all year round reality, especially when you are driving around during the day. At a distance, you will literally see your horizon glittering in gold.

Welcome to the post-Monsoon World. Welcome to the Good Times!

 

Comments

comments

28 thoughts on “On Why The Absence Of The Monsoon Is A Gift From The Gods

  1. Alka Gurha

    Seems as if the monsoon was waiting for you upload this post….finally some cool breeze. But hats off for such optimistic thoughts.

    Reply
  2. Ash

    Omg 😀 Rickie …. i just can’t stop laughing… ! This is just so appropriate, and wonderfully penned …. I personally don’t like the rainy season here at all … kills power, telephones, roads (spectacular traffic snarls!), cable TV….. not to mention the sapping humidity….. urrrggh!

    PS: Do stop by my blog sometime!

    Reply
  3. Dagny

    And I foolishly thought the moon was uninhabited. It consoles me to think that there is someone out there tut- tuting over my misery- traffic jams in particular.

    Thank you for this enlightening read Rickie…

    Reply
  4. phoenixritu

    Ahh the good old days, when the potholes were visible and not camouflaged by the dirty water on the roads

    Reply
  5. Priya

    Wonderfully expressed, Rickie! One must take a moment to appreciate the necessity of monsoons, even as we moan and whine! A lovely method to teach simple truths of life…have you read the Panchatantra by any chance? 😉

    Reply
  6. Rachna

    I see how your Marketing Research brain is working overtime seeing the positives in our vast nation’s miseries :). At the moment, amid the news of floods and landslides, shining sun is a comforting thought. Delightful read as always! How did I miss this one?

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      An empty mind is an ocean of ideas. (And not the devil’s workshop, as some idiots like to think!)
      I wrote this post when I had just 4 readers. Me, my mother, my dog and my stalker. Fir log aatey gaye aur karavan banta gaya…

      Reply
  7. passey

    Gilli-danda at night sounded strange but then people in Gurgaon are apt to do anything… 🙂 Liked the Koehler-ketchup combo though. There was a constant drizzle of imagination in the post… oops! bad for the drought there, I presume.

    Arvind Passey
    http://www.passey.info

    Reply
  8. ghatasinghal

    hahahha…..loved the use of refigerators and jaguars’ and umbrealls…but i’d still, any ay, prefer the monsoons with all their unpleasentness!!
    But just as a ficitonal piece of work, it’s hilarious as always!

    Reply
    1. Rickie Khosla Post author

      The past couple of days when we had extended power cuts, I did think of the fridge when I opened my closet and a pile of clothes just tumbled out of it!

      Reply
  9. purbaray

    It appears the Rain Gods read your post and decided to teach dry India a lesson. Now there’s enough water on the roads to drown your sorrows.

    Reply

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