A version of “Fatwarya Rai”, was recently offered to a “fake” news website. This is more like a newsstory than an essay. Not sure if it will get published, but here it is anyway!
Mumbai : June 2, 2012 : After the disastrous red-carpet outing by Aishwarya Rai at the Cannes film Festival, where she was upstaged by the likes of Mallika Sherawat, the Bachchan Parivaar has gone into serious damage-control mode, film industry insiders have revealed. News reports and photos from Cannes have made it very clear to the Bachchans – they have a mammoth problem on their hands. The backlash in India, a nation famous for only slender and fair people, has already been tremendous, with political parties and trade unions asking for a month-long nationwide bandh to force Aishwarya to lose weight or face ostracism.
Our sources have revealed that the morbidly obese Aishwarya, who was hardly recognizable at the Cannes photo-ops, is completely unrecognizable when she is at home without make-up. These insiders have also admitted that Abhishek Bachchan had recently filed a written complaint to Juhu Police about the presence of a “super fat” stalker inside the Bachchan residence Jalsa, but then embarrassingly withdrew it after it was revealed to be none other that his wife walking around the house in a kaftan sans make-up. She has now been asked to wear make-up round the clock, just like all normal women do.
As part of the process to put Aishwarya back to shape, all symbols of obesity that are typically lying around the house, like images of Lord Ganesha, Vidya Balan and Amar Singh, are being removed from Aishwarya’s line of sight. Baby Aaradhya has been warned by grandmother Jaya Bachchan that cartoons such as Barney and the Teletubbies will have no place in her life during her formative years since they are a “bad influence” on her mother.
Sources have also revealed that since it is unfortunate that the portly ex-Miss World can’t be locked inside the house till she loses all that extra poundage, it has been decided that Abhishek will accompany her to all her future public and promotional appearances. “You see, with him next to her, the comparative benchmark is set so low that people seeing the two of them together may not even notice that she is fat,” explained a good producer friend of Abhishek who requested not to be named. “But they are still figuring out how to fit both of them in the same car, given her size,” he added.
It is rumoured that Shah Rukh Khan, a close friend and one time co-actor of Aishwarya, has strongly recommended to her that she pick up an IPL team of her own. “The constant running to the field, yelling at the referees, doing cartwheels, pushing and shoving officials etc. – how else do you think I maintain my 6-pack? It’s the perfect exercise regimen without ever having to go to a gym,” SRK was overheard telling a close confidante recently. It may be noted that not only does SRK look great these days, his team also had a very successful showing at the recently concluded IPL-5. It is anticipated that Aishwarya will be among the key bidders for “Jabalpur Jumbos” or “Bhopali Babbar-Shers” next season.
Meanwhile, our reporter has just learnt that the cook at Jalsa has been fired. “We are sure that she had covert ties with Madhur Bhandarkar. She was caught red-handed with a DVD of “Fashion” in her room. Apne aap ko badi Heroine samajhti thi. God only knows what she had been mixing in Madam’s meals”, the family gardener revealed when questioned outside the residence.
(We will try to bring you an interview with Aishwarya Rai or her ex-cook in the few weeks. Check this space.)